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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have my Mum give me away?

46 replies

Piglet28 · 19/09/2012 14:30

I am currently planning my wedding after being engaged for 9 years (put on hold due to a baby and finances).

I am thinking of asking my Mum to give me away as she is the person who has always been there for me. Dad had numerous affairs and eventually left us to marry the lady he is now with.

I don't have a great relationship with him and I'm sure it will make things worse between us. I expect he wouldn't make a speech as he is a very quiet, awkward and shy person. It almost feels disrespectful to my Mum to give him the right to give me away.

They haven't seen or spoken since he left 11 years ago. He married his new wife (she will be the one to kick off if anyone will) and my Mum got married this year. I don't know how to keep them apart if I have him on the top table.

My plan was to seat him with his wife and her kids. I want him there, but maybe not involved with the wedding.

Has anyone else got family issues and a wedding coming up? Advice needed please!

Thanks

OP posts:

Hopeforever · 19/09/2012 20:46

For those of you who don't want to be given away - don't worry it's optional!

Piglet, more and more brides are chosing their mum to walk them down the aisle and give them away. It's fine.

We didn't have a top table, but how you describe will be fine.

Enjoy your special day

minxthemanx · 19/09/2012 20:48

My Mum gave me away. My Dad had died several years beforehand, but I'd always said I wanted Mum to do it as she had far more to do with bringing me up.

She had a double knee replacement 3 months before my wedding, and still walked me up the aisle.

PavlovtheCat · 19/09/2012 20:49

Your reasons are sound, explain to your dad what you have said here, that you want him there but due to your mum's role in your life versus his role and your close relationship with your mum AND add to that the fact this is your and your future DH's wedding, your mum is going to be asked. And let him know that in order to keep the peace, you want him near you but not at the top table as that is where your mum, who is giving you away, will be.

There is going to be someone upset, you need to decide which one is more important to not upset, and it seems you have already done that.

EmmaNemms · 19/09/2012 20:50

It's a bit different as we married in a civil ceremony, just the two of us. We had a church blessing three weeks later, and we met everyone at the door of the church and once everyone was seated, we walked down the aisle together with our four kids following us. It was lovely! I wore red, rather than white though, I wouldn't be kidding anyone!

PavlovtheCat · 19/09/2012 20:51

and re it being your mum and not a traditional 'male/dad' figure, my mum was going to give me away, but unfortunately died just beforehand. My brother did it in the end but I did come close to no-one doing it as I felt there was not really anyone else who had that role to take. However, I knew, if no-one was there I would keenly feel the absence of my mum and would probably have blubbed all the way down the aisle!

moanymandy · 19/09/2012 21:03

I am planning on doing the exact same thing. My dad hasn't been around for alot if my life so don't feel he should have the pleasure.
I haven't told him yet and I know he will be upset but I figured it's not about him anymore.

Good luck and do what feels right for you.

AllPastYears · 19/09/2012 21:43

I'm not sure why, in this day and age, any brides are "given" away. You are not possessions!

My dad died some years before I got married - my mum suggested my brother would have to give me away. and again!

Hopeforever · 19/09/2012 22:17

The idea of 'giving away' is seen by some as a symbolic act that shows that husband and wife are starting a new life and although their parents will still love them and care, they need to let the younger couple make their own life.

Katisha · 19/09/2012 22:37

DH and I walked up the aisle together. I saw no reason to be "given away". My mum made a speech at the reception. So did I.

anastaisia · 19/09/2012 23:50

I'd want to do the same as you Katisha - walk in together rather than feeling like I'm being presented to the groom after walking down the aisle. To me being 'given away' is one of the not so nice left overs from an age when women weren't equal in law and went from being their father's responsibility to their husband's. Though I don't especially want to be married at all, and if it made sense legally to be it would be a registry office signing some papers kind of event anyway.

But, if it is something that you want in your wedding OP, I think YANBU to have whoever you want to give you away. Totally up to you.

CommanderShepard · 20/09/2012 03:11

My sister accompanied me - I didn't want to be given away but I also didn't want to walk in on my own.

My parents are going to a wedding soon where the bride and groom are walking up the aisle together. Lovely idea!

ComradeJing · 20/09/2012 03:33

This was one of the reasons we eloped.

YANBU. I think if you are going to be given away it should be by the parent/friend/relation who has been there for you the most. This doesn't sound like your dad!

With the tables I'd just put him with his family and damn the consequences but only if you felt it won't impact on your wedding day.

Also if you havent seen or spoken to him in so long... why invite him at all?

Icelollycraving · 20/09/2012 07:37

My sister had my mum give her away. I had my bil as mum wasn't well enough to attend my wedding (abroad). My other sister also had bil as she is traditional & felt unsure about having mum do it. Have someone who you want,our dad isn't in our lives & so that wasn't an option.
Congratulations on getting married. Now,what's your dress like?!

Kaida · 20/09/2012 07:37

My Mom walked down the aisle with me. I wanted my stepdad (who I've always called 'Dad' and who has been in that role since I was a baby) but didn't want to upset my father (who is not terrible or anything, just a more distant, uncle-like relationship). I was able to tell him (father) that my feminism didn't feel comfy with being given away, and anyway Mom brought me into the world (both of which also true and valid reasons, if not the whole story).

We also did a 'sweetheart table' instead of a top table, right in the centre of the room with all the other tables around it, so as not to have any higher/lower tables and spread contentious family members around without demoting anyone. It worked really well. It would've been tricky with a true top table, as both sets of parents are divorced, and all hell would've broken loose on DH's mum's side if his stepmother was sat with us but probably trouble from his dad if she didn't, plus I wasn't going to exclude my perfectly nice stepmom to be 'fair'.

samandi · 20/09/2012 13:43

Of course not, why would it be unreasonable?

lovintheolives · 20/09/2012 13:48

YANBU....i had my grandad give me away as, like yourself, i didn't feel that my father deserved the privilege! had my grandfather not still been around it would have most definitely been my mum!
Everyone, (including my dad and his new wife) understood my reasons and respected my decision and although i too was worried about possible ramifications of my choice, there were none!
Good luck with all your wedding planning and remember, it's your day and you have to do what's right for you! x

SinisterBuggyMonth · 20/09/2012 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur · 20/09/2012 13:59

YANBU.
I have a fraught relationship with my Dad (for similar reasons) and after a long engagement, DP and I have been talking about getting married - maybe even next year (am not holding breath..) and DD knows this. We had a rare meeting with my Dad earlier this year and DD (bless her) blurted this out and came and asked me if Grandad was invited (in front of him of course) and he immediately went into 'Father of the Bride' mode. I stopped him sharpish. He nows knows he is not giving me away or doing a speech. I will invite him, but I'm not going to let him make it be about him (which is what he would try and do).
Hope you have a lovely day!

wheredidiputit · 20/09/2012 14:53

YANBU

My mum gave me away as dad was not part of my (his choice). My FIL gave a speach after dinner.

We didn't have a 'top' table we had round tables and was just in with everyone else.

poopnscoop · 20/09/2012 15:39

I'd go with your mum... it's a huge privilege to walk a daughter down the wedding aisle and has he earned that right?

My father was not invited to my wedding - affairs et al... left mom with 4 kids ... idiot of note.

My brother walked me down the aisle :) If I didn't have brothers I would have asked my mum for sure!

Original poster

Piglet28 · 21/09/2012 15:03

Thank you all for your messages, it's given me the confidence to have a chat with my Dad about the wedding, no doubt he will throw his toys out the pram!

I'm not sure who suggested it, but I think asking him to be a witness so as not to feel too left out is a good idea.

I know some of you don't agree with the 'being given away'. I'm not a traditional person but want her to be involved with the ceremony.

Thanks again for all your advice!

OP posts:

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