To expect DH to help about the house while booked off ill? (genuine AIBU)

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

I work from home childminding. DH has been booked off from work with acute stress due to work related pressures (definitely outing myself here ). I fully appreciate that things have been extremely difficult for him at work and that he needs a break - I suggested about 3 months ago that he go and see a GP so I am not making light of what he is experiencing.

However, he is starting to get a bit bored. On top of that, I am working full time and running all the household matters as usual.

HONEST question: would I BU to point out that some chores need doing and that stress at work does not prevent you from "light household duties"????

Surely he can lend a hand??? (for the first 3 days off he slept and slept and slept which he needed - but now, he is lots better, though still worried about work and what the reception will be like when he returns.)

From what you say, i can't see why he couldn't do a few light household chores - e.g washing up, short errands to the shops.

I might phrase it differently than how you write it up there. More, "Listen, I know you are pretty exhausted and I'm glad you have a break from work. Do you think you feel up to helping me a bit around the house? Do you think you could fold and put away that load of laundry in the basket at some point today?" Or whatever you'd like him to do.

Stress is, well, stressful, and although having something simple to do might help occupy his time, I would be specific about what you want help with, not make it a big task, give him a good deal of time to complete it and thank him for whatever effort he makes, completed or not. If he feels his work life is shit, the last thing he needs is to feel he's useless and a burden at home.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, how is he filling his day?

It sounds like some jobs round the house and shopping trips would take his mind off the worrying too.

As well as the time off, has the GP suggested other things to prevent the stress recurring when he does have to go back? (Sorry if that's for another thread!)

If he's off with stress doing normal day to day chores is good as a slow build up to getting back to work surely?

YANBU to expect some help, but depending on how burned out he was be careful about how much you expect of him.

DH had a total burnout a few years ago, and even a quite a while after it happened had very reduced energy levels. I sometimes got really frustrated that he didn't want to do this or that, and had to remind myself that he was exhausted and not just lazy.

That said, if your expectations are appropriate to his energy levels there's no reason in the world why he shouldn't be mucking in.

YANBU, I would have thought it would be a good thing for him to be doing stuff around the house and part of his recovery and return to normal life really.

If he has a medical condition then only his DR can tell you the answer.

Thanks, everyone. I do appreciate that it is a genuine thing and that he is not 100% well - that's why I wondered how U I would be in getting him to do a few things. He just hung up a small load of washing with me now only to discover how wonderful the sun feels in our backyard, so he has now taken himself off the sofa, outside (having hung up a few bits with me!)

Aquashiv, I think that while someone may have a medical condition it can be common sense whether or not they can undertake certain tasks, so I will not be bothering the GP with this type of question.

Is he going back to work?

He'll need to get better first, and find a way of dealing with stress or he'll be ill again.

Yes, he will be back at work late next week. His boss was supposed to ring him last Friday to talk about the situation but DH has yet to hear from him! I think that HR are looking at reducing his working hours. DH is not sure what is happening yet and that of course, in itself, is stressful and worrying.

It depends on how bad he is. When I had stress that wasn't treated for a long time, I got so depressed that simply washing and dressing in the morning was a challenge!
But odd jobs might help him - the washing is a good example. Send him out to the shops maybe, if he can, walk? Make the most of the vitamin D while he still can. Sit down with him and ask what he can reasonably manage and what might make him feel overwhelmed.

Is it stress or depression?

His boss was supposed to ring him last Friday to talk about the situation but DH has yet to hear from him! I think that HR are looking at reducing his working hours

No wonder he's worrying, OP, it sounds like it's being very badly handled by his employer. I would be very reluctant to go back to work whilst all this is still unresolved, I'd get his GP to write him another sick note for an additional few weeks.

KellyElly, I think the stress has brought on depression, but I am not medically or psychologically trained.

I don't know whether to ask DH to ring work or if I should or if I should just wait... maybe I will leave it all together until Monday and see whether his work has called by that stage.

The reason I ask is that with depression sometimes the smallest jobs like cleaning up etc can feel like a mountain to climb and if you are ok to do something one day you may not have the energy to even get out of bed the next so in that case it may be a bit unfair to expect him to do things around the house. He should def go back to the docs again and if it is depression he will need more time off work, support and perhaps anti depressents as well to get back on his feet.

Thanks, Kelly. I will have a chat with him soon about it. So far, he seems okay, doing school runs with me, taking DS to swimming lessons, fixing a small problem with his car - so he is not completely inert.