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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be resentful at BIL living with us?

43 replies

chasingtail · 19/09/2012 13:26

To cut a long story short, in June BIL's (DH's brother) wife told him she didn't love him anymore & wanted him out. they didn't have any children. Her parents own the house so in effect he was homeless and takes no equity from it.

My 'knight in shining armour' DH immediately jumped to the rescue and told BIL he could stay with us. Although this was not properly discussed with me I didn't really mind as we have the space and thought it would just be for a short spell. Helping out a family member & all that... plus the kids would be pleased to have their uncle around.

Welllllll.... 3 months later he is still here and does virtually nothing around the house (even though I give him chore lists & drop huge hints about taken the kids to the park once in a while), but the best bit is that he pays not a penny in rent. Although he has a reasonably paid job & no financial responsibilities, DH decided in his wisdom that it would be better for BIL to pay off debts and save for a deposit, than make any financial contribution to us. Again this was decided without my input. Angry Strangely there seems to be money available to wine & dine his new woman. Confused

I have now been informed that BIL will be with us until Xmas, when apparently he will miraculously then have enough money for house deposit and mortgage. I am not holding my breath...

So AIBU to feel increasingly resentful towards both DH & BIL, who frankly I feel are both taking the p*. If I was in the same situation not only would I insist on paying at least a token contribution but I would also be doing whatever I could to help out with housework/kids etc.

I understand that DH feels bad for his brother (as did I to begin with) & wants to help in anyway he can, but I am sick of not being able to discuss this rationally with DH. How is that I always end up being made to feel selfish and disloyal!!

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/09/2012 14:40

Good for you. And, make sure it's by Christmas not Christmas. They will do Sad faces at you otherwise.

MummytoMog · 20/09/2012 15:36

Sounds just like my sister. Moved in in December to pay off debts and save for a deposit. Still here, spending HUNDREDS of pounds on her new girlfriend and complete crap, admittedly paying bills, but basically not doing what she was supposed to do in terms of paying off her debts. For example, I now regularly open her post to check that she hasn't had any more default notices on her council tax payment arrangement (from a flat from two years ago) because I'm worried about how they will affect our credit rating. She goes on holiday all the time, buys ipads, new phones etc etc etc. Her kids (who don't live with her) get anything they ask for (in a way that really irritates me) like blackberrys, iPads, DSs etc etc

boaty · 20/09/2012 15:43

We had BIL with us for three weeks when his marriage number 5 failed. He arrived at 11am, by 2 pm I had taken him into town and left him outside an estate agents! He moved out 3 weeks later! just as well as I understand murder is still illegal Grin

BlueberryHill · 20/09/2012 16:35

Chasingtail my mothers BIL moved in with her and her DH (his brother) for 2 weeks about 25 years ago, he is still there. I'm not joking.

Seriously your DH needs to sort this out, it has been 3 months he should be contributing to the house and helping out especially as he isn't paying rent.

Fosgoldlady · 20/09/2012 17:05

I ended up with exh1's cousin for 6 months after coming for 2 weeks..........ended up yelling 'either he lives here or I do........'

Joiningthegang · 20/09/2012 17:14

For all those yanbu - what if it was her sister made homeless by her dh who was seeing someone else and the husband wanted her out ASAP? Bet the responses would be very different

TheProvincialLady · 20/09/2012 17:15

Your problem is not your BIL and whether he can afford a mortgage by Christmas.

Your problem is with your husband, who moves in BIL without your permission, decides unilaterally that he doesn't pay rent and that he will be staying until Christmas. What kind of a relationship is that? Your BIL's problems are not yours, and if I was you I would be TELLING my husband that he can decide which one he wants living with him, his brother or his wife. Enough is enough.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 20/09/2012 17:25

Joiningthegang nope. Because the issue is not him staying there to get on his feet. The issues are; her not being consulted; him not contributing emotionally to the family; him not contributing financially to the family; the indefinite nature of the arrangement; the fact that a perfectly capable, single man has foisted himself on this family for six months. Also, where did it say that BIL's ex had a new man? Because it is actually BIL who has a new women (how long after before the split did that happen?).

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 20/09/2012 17:28

YANBU. Grown-ups sort out their own medium-long term accommodation. Short-term emergencies are another thing.

Original poster
chasingtail · 20/09/2012 17:49

Provincial, you are right - the most concerning problem is with DH taking unilateral decisions on major issues without my knowledge or agreement. This has been duly noted & I intend to leave him under no illusion that it will not happen again! Angry

But my more immediate prob is how to get BIL out sooner rather than later. I have just come home from school/ballet/street dance/ad infinitum run to discover BIL has "spent the afternoon ironing" 2 pairs of trousers and 2 shirts! Hmm Purrrrleeze

Terrys His ex is adament that no one else was involved with the split on her part, BIL also claims he got together with his new woman only after the split (albeit 1 week!!) & she was a long standing friend. So who knows what went on???????

Joining, not that I have a sister but if I did, yes she would be welcome as a very temporary measure, but only after I had discussed it with DH & there would be a list of expectations that came with it.

OP posts:
BlueSkySinking · 20/09/2012 19:43

Hold a meeting with them both at the same time. Tell them to be quiet and listen/not interrupt till you have finished.

Explain A) you were not consulted about BIL staying at all. You are not happy for BIL to stay till Xmas. He is to leave before half term. End of - no discussion.

B) Explain you feel used and it is just like having another child in the house. He isn't contributing time or money towards the bills or help at all. While he is staying for free at your house he must act as part of a team. He can start by taking his part in the cleaning and child care rota - he needs to be hoovering, cooking meals, cleaning the loo etc ...

Original poster
chasingtail · 21/09/2012 12:22

So had conversation about this with DH at 5.30 this morning (don't ask).

Gave it to him both barrels without losing my rag & actually when presented with the stark facts about how I had been not been consulted in the slightest, he did agree with.

He did try the "oh, what was I supposed to do, he's my brother" line, which was red rag to a bull & was swiftly kicked into touch! As someone so rightly put either he is a lodger and pays rent, or he is a family member and helps out.

So, I gave him the option of either the 3 of us discussing next steps or him doing it on own BIL. Unsurprisingly he said he would rather do it himself & will do so tonight!

So to be clear, ahem, tonights agenda items will be:

  1. update on process for finding/buying a new property
  2. final date for shipping out to be 20 December
  3. requirements of BIL if he wants to stay here rent free until 20 December (To be done FULLY on daily basis and not in own sweet time)
  4. He pitches in with childcare (given that they are his niece/nephew afterall!)

watch this space.......!

OP posts:
HoratiaWinwood · 21/09/2012 12:24

Good luck!

ratbagcatbag · 21/09/2012 12:33

Was trying to think of something witty to mark place with, but instead shamelessy marks place and awaits outcome.

But, well done, it is tough, we had a dear friend with us for one month and we worked opposite shifts, he was lovely and bought his own food and made himself scarce BUT it still drove me bonkers that I couldn't walk from the bathroom to bedroom naked just in case he was in. ARGH!!!!!
He did buy me lovely flowers though :) as a thank you

Original poster
chasingtail · 21/09/2012 13:08

HAHAHAHAHAHAH - laughs in hysterical/maniacal stylee!!!

BIL has just walked out door stating he is off on booze cruise for the weekend!! Best bit was he offered to get us some wine if i had any cash on me! (WTF??)

So, further discussions will now have to wait until his return..... think i need to go and lay down in darkened room!

OP posts:
lels99 · 21/09/2012 13:21

Surely that deserves a comment along the lines of "think you should be providing it, I need it to cope with you" said with a smile :)

ratbagcatbag · 21/09/2012 13:44

OMG!!! Change the locks whilst gone and borrow a for sale sign and tack sold onto it for when he comes back, tell him you're moving next week with DH into a 1 bedroomed bungalow, sorry, he needs to find somewhere to go, like now!!

HoratiaWinwood · 21/09/2012 19:38

When he comes back...

"Hello?"

"Hi, Chasing, can you get MrChasing to give me a hand getting this stuff out of the boot?"

"... Sorry, do I know you? I think you must have us confused with someone else."

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