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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

shared party?

32 replies

themiss · 19/09/2012 12:51

I'd planned (but not booked) a big birthday party for my child this year on the actual day (never had one before), mentioned this to a friend and she wants to make it a joint one with her child (almost same age). They have a lot of friends in common, so in a way it makes sense, but I had really wanted it to be a special party, and I feel sharing it just won't be the same. They get on ok (our kids), but they can be quite competitive with each other. I'm just not sure.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 19/09/2012 12:52

Every party is havoc, and every birthday child is special. So long as each child is catered for, and you do separate birthday songs and have two cakes, then I've found shared parties brilliant.

Kayano · 19/09/2012 12:55

That's a stupid way to think

I had a shared party every year with a boy in my class. I worked out well as we invited everyone, had no 'politics' and it was a fab day!

I loved sharing my birthday.

Kayano · 19/09/2012 12:56

You don't need 2 separate songs! Happy birthday xxx and yyyy is fine :D (just have 2 lots of candles or 2 cakes)
Dining happy birthday to torturous

Pandemoniaa · 19/09/2012 12:57

ds2 and his friend had shared birthday parties from 10 onwards. Their birthdays were a couple of days apart (and in the winter) and the arrangement worked brilliantly. We tended to organise these joint parties around an activity and neither of the birthday boys felt less "special" on the day. Quite the opposite.

Bookbrain · 19/09/2012 12:58

If you don't like the idea then just say no. We've done shared parties before and loved them - half the expense, half the work, just as much fun. And the kids loved sharing their parties with their friends.

Maybe ask your DC whether they'd like to share or not? In our experience, it made it more special for them, rather than less.

5Foot5 · 19/09/2012 12:58

No I agree with the OP I think it is nice that a child can have a party that is just for them. I would be suspicious of the motives of the friend who suggested it be joint in case she was hoping to shrug off some of the work, organisation and expense but still have a party for her DC

Kayano · 19/09/2012 13:00

Well 5foot part of the whole point of sharing is to save a bit on cost/ organisation

wannabedomesticgoddess · 19/09/2012 13:01

Have to say that I hate the thought of a shared party. Unless its for twins.

A birthday party is the one day of the year when a child gets all the limelight.

How does your DC feel about it?

Sleepwhenidie · 19/09/2012 13:02

Depends how well you and your friend get on and how similar you are. I had a shared party for ds1 earlier this year and i wouldn't do it again tbh, i felt like i did all of the work, it was a bit awkward between other mum's friends and our family/friends (just didnt mix very well), it all felt a bit kind of...meh..to me. I am a bit of a control freak though, i think i am better off doing everything myself, how i want it, rather than relying on other people to do some parts when their approach is a bit more useless relaxed. Probably didn't help.l The ds's had a great time though.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/09/2012 13:03

I think you should do what you want. I am having a party for my dd this year - haven't done the big, class party before and probably won't do it again. In future I will probably just take a few of her friends out to the cinema or something. So I want this one to be special. There is nothing wrong with that, if it's what you want. Just as it's fine to share, if that was your choice.

Just explain to your friend that you want to have a party just for dd this year. there is no reason for her to be offended by that. Remember though, that if you share and are inviting the same kids anyway, it is nice to share costs.

aldiwhore · 19/09/2012 13:03

There are 4 children in my eldest son's class who have birthdays within a week of each other... after 4 parties, none were that special!

Shared party all the way (and separate songs!!! mwahaha)

Bookbrain · 19/09/2012 13:04

A birthday party is the one day of the year when a child gets all the limelight.

Neither of my kids are limelight lovers- perhaps why they loved sharing their parties. They get spoiled rotten by family for their birthdays (with love, not £££) but don't really like the whole centre-of-attention thing.

Pandemoniaa · 19/09/2012 13:06

I would be suspicious of the motives of the friend who suggested it be joint

Really? My friend first suggested we consider a joint party for our dcs and it made complete sense. There were twice as many adults to organise and pay for it and the actual party was far less stressful with both of us being there. We just sat down, in good time, asked the boys what they wanted to do for their birthday party each year and then organised a fair division of labour.

As I said before, neither of them felt their individual birthdays were undermined by sharing a party. Adults can be far too precious about this sort of thing because children just tend to want a good party!

TheCalmingManatee · 19/09/2012 13:07

I could have written your OP, twice now :) My DD has a friend who's birthday is close to hers. We have done shared party twice now and it worked out really well. Both DDs can be very competitive so we did make sure that things were equal, so, separate cakes bought out at exactly the same time (really!!). I think it also depends on the kind of party, we did 1 party at a soft play, and one at a roller skating place. I think if its a big party in terms of numbers it will be fine and when we did ours it meant we could invite more children as the cost was shared - so dd got more presents tat . We were a bit dubious about the joined party this time as the girls do argue but it was fine, worked really well, half the money, half the stress. I don't think it would work as well for an intimate home type party, but for a big thing i think it would be great, it also allows for a special family party as well, so your DS gets TWO special days.

Pandemoniaa · 19/09/2012 13:11

I'd add that the joint birthday party didn't replace a family birthday tea on the day itself. So the birthday boys actually got two celebrations, not one.

Floggingmolly · 19/09/2012 13:12

It depends on their ages, really. From around 10 onwards, if the kids themselves are happy with it, fine. Any younger than that, with my kids anyway, they really wouldn't have wanted to share the whole fuss and specialness of their party with anyone else. That's fine too.

5Foot5 · 19/09/2012 13:29

"Well 5foot part of the whole point of sharing is to save a bit on cost/ organisation"

I meant in case the other Mum might be hoping to leave all the work and organization to the OP but then swan along and take a full share in it

DeWe · 19/09/2012 13:32

My dd2 (who loves being the centre of attention) had a joint party for her 6th with a friend. They both had a wonderful day and neither felt that things were watered down because they were sharing it. They sat next to each other when we brought on the cakes and they thought it was so funny blowing out the candles at the same time.

Original poster

themiss · 19/09/2012 13:32

thanks for all the advice! I suppose what bothers me is that when I mentioned that I was planning it, my friend said she was intending to have a party that day too. Then she sugested sharing it. My daughter has never had a big party before, but her two kids often have. I've not asked my child yet ... will have to wait and see.

OP posts:

JuliaScurr · 19/09/2012 13:33

Have done it, the guests would have been the same, it was OK but the other parents dominated a bit

TheCalmingManatee · 19/09/2012 13:34

Well i think you need to decide what you are going to do because you do not want to be in a situation where your friend invites all of the children you would be inviting to the party and therefore not have anyone turn up to your DDs party.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 19/09/2012 13:44

I was approached to do a shared party last year, in a hired hall by a mum I didn't know very well. The girls were very keen so we agreed but in the end it was a bit of a nightmare. We would meet, discuss and agree things and then the mum would phone me up and say her husband wasn't happy and we had to change arrangements on his say-so. I didn't always agree and then she would get upset.

We set a budget but then she sent out more invitations - as it was a nice big hall... When I asked about the extra food that would be needed she announced that she'd tell her extra guests not to eat anything.

On the day she didn't turn up early on the day to help sort out tables, decorate the room etc (as we'd agreed) but she didn't like what I'd done when she did arrive...
I'd also decorated a table to put dd's cake on. She tried to move our cake and put her daughters cake there instead as there wasn't time for her to do such nice decorations for her child.

We'd agreed (I thought!) that we would take it in turns to run games. Every time it was her turn she was outside having a cigarette. I was happy enough to run the games - I just would have liked to know what was happening.

She had a headache when it came to clearing up so went home without helping at all.

She still owes me about a fiver to balance out the costs of the party.

She asked me on Monday whether I'd like to do another shared party this year!
I smiled and said no.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 19/09/2012 13:45

oops, didn't mean to rant - it obviously still rankles!

Pandemoniaa · 19/09/2012 13:48

Sounds like hell, Idontknow!

Joint parties worked well for us because I knew my friend very well. We could trust each other to arrange things and share the workload fairly. I definitely don't recall ever consulting husbands though!

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 19/09/2012 14:36

I think that part of the trouble was that they had never had a "traditional" party before - and didn't realise how much smoother it runs if everything is organised! And her daughter is an only child whereas mine is my third - so I've had a lot of party organising experience. This was my first ever shared party though and I have sometimes wondered what she thought about me...

The girls both enjoyed it, so that was the important thing. (I keep telling myself that )

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