to feel angry that mum can never be proud of me but is always gushing over others who have achieved the same?

[Fairylea]

I am in my 30s and in some ways of course it shouldn't matter really but it does hurt.

My mum was very focused on my education growing up as she had a very difficult childhood and left school when she was 15. She later had a reasonable career and is very ambitious. I used to be ambitious and did well at school. I did very well in my a levels and applied to universities and was accepted into all my choices. I then had a long hard think and decided not to go. I looked after my gran who was terminally ill at the time and then I met my now ex and had dd now aged 9. I spent the next few years working in very demanding jobs and during that time I left dds dad.

I later met my now Dh. We are really happy. Not rich at all by any means but happy. I now have a ds 12 weeks. I have been a sahm for 2 years now and I don't want to work again. Fair play to those mums who do but I didn't like it and I'd rather manage on less money (and I know for some this is not a choice).

My mum never seems happy for me. She seems irritated that I can quite happily spend all my time with the children or potter ing around at home. What really gets me though is she always makes a fuss of others who are sahms etc and says how great it is but with me its like its not good enough.

She's also very sexist and thinks carrying a few extra pounds is wrong so it's like she thinks I've let myself go because since having my ds I haven't made any attempt to lose weight as I've been busy with ds and I think at 5ft 7 and 12 stone size 14 it's not that desperate a situation!! And yet if she sees another mum larger than me she might say they look nice but with me it's not good enough. I need to remain size 10 forever like she is and wear full make up every day.... sigh.

Sorry. I'm just so annoyed.

Sorry that's a bit disjointed. The sexist thing just came out. And I'm not hurt I'm 30 .. I know it reads like that!!

Come over to the stately homes thread, we feel your pain.

Where is that? Thanks.

I think (and this is just based on my own experience) that if you have a mum who had a difficult childhood, they can have cripplingly low self esteem and somehow that extends to their children in the form of criticism.

I did go to Uni and had good jobs, worked hard to get where I did, but it was never enough. She has never been proud of me. I too get criticised for my hairstyle, my clothes, my weight and also usually my choice of job. It hasn't extended to my dc yet, but judging by how she treats my sisters' dc, I'm expecting that too.

I used to get very upset about it. But I think if you can move on from expecting approval from your dm and recognise that she is at fault, not you, you can come to terms with it to some extent.

I still feel very envious that other people have emotionally supportive mothers. Unfortunately I just don't.

It is very upsetting. Particularly when she harps on and on about other people's dc and their achievements.

Much sympathy. I don't think my dm will ever change so I had to find a way of coming to terms with it.

Sympathy from here too. I think its also about not being "seen" and "appreciated" as a person in your own right. The fact that your mother can "see" other people is part of it. My own story is slightly different but it comes down to the same thing.

I think the only way to deal with it is to make sure you see, appreciate, respect and care for yourself, and find ways to avoid or distance yourself negative energy from your mother.

Agree with mum4041. Mothers who had difficult childhoods themselves tend to have massive issues with their own children. My mother put me down in every area possible. She didn't like it when the worm turned either I am afraid, but issuing a quick total arguement (w. departure straight after so no reply off her possible) tended to cut them down by about 90%. ie. Her: You are dressed slutty - again. My reply: "Everyone at work loves this outfit so if its suitable for work how can it be slutty ..? Oh look at the time "...... And ..... leave ........and.. ignore any replys she then makes as you depart.

Limit one on one contact if poss, my Mother was smart enough not to do it in company, only w. me alone or in front of v close family.

You deny her the instant pleasure of upsetting you w. your comment back -and the leaving enforces the 'no reward' on top of. It may vary as people are of course different, but this strategy worked after i noticed she wouldn't argue w. my friends/work colleagues/boyfriends opinions, only mine ! Stating other people disagred stopped her in her tracks. If I had disagreed it would have then fuelled the toxic dynamic. Strategy, strategy ... (coping ones that is)...

Are you the eldest/only child?

I have a completely different theory to the rest of you then! I have a critical mother but I know that she's much harder on me than anyone else as she thinks so much of me! It hurts sometimes but I know she loves me and that she is proud of me - even though she never says it. I don't know, maybe my experience is different. Have you ever considered that this could be the reason though?

Momsnatter, how do you know she is proud/thinks so much of you if she doesn't tell you tho ? Seriously, I am really interested here (maybe hoping to explain my own mother?) ie. in what 'other way' does she make it clear if 'she never says it' ? Its a funny way of showing it to be extra hard on you, has she actually said that she is to justify herself ... are you maybe trying to think the best of her bcos she is your mother ... ?

Other peoples dynamic w. their mothers is subject of endless fascination to me , so i genuinely want to know: because my own mother/daughter dynamic is so not what i really want it to be.

I could win a Nobel prize and it would not be good enough for my Mum.

I have finally learned to stop trying to please her and look after those who deserve and appreciate my efforts.

I have slight issues in this way with my mother. She had a very out of control childhood and had to work hard herself with little encouragement to achieve things in her life.

As a result, she is (and admits so herself) a control freak. I know that all she really wants is for me to be happy, but her life experiences have taught her that if she relinquishes control over her choices she will end up unhappy.

Obviously, when I was a young child she needed to make choices for me and of course she made choices that she thought would be good for both of us. I think that she struggled as I got older to recognise the separation of our identities, and that I would not only want to make different choices to her, but also that those choices would not be hurtful to her even if she could not control them. (I hope this is making at least a little sense!)

Even now, I can see it in things she says to me- for example, I recently sent out invites to my wedding. Her comment was that they were lovely, that I am good at making things like that, but she couldn't understand why I used a certain image on it as she couldn't work out what it was, and she wouldn't have used the ribbon I did. Somehow it matters very much to her that I make different choices, even though she is proud of the results I achieve.

I make a point of remembering that she is a person with flaws just as I am, and to recognise that she does not act with malice but as a result of her own issues. I try to focus on the positive, and look at her through adult eyes to forgive the negative.

Sazzle, my mom is critical but never rude or personal, she picks at things I do but never at me as a person. She would never call me slutty, for example. She would however, find every negative in work I had done at school - so if I did a spelling test, for example, and got one wrong she would comment on that one and not the other nine that I had got right. I've always thought she did this because I am quite academic and she thinks I'm so clever that I should be perfect in all things academic.
Once she told me that she'd had a nightmare that I'd decided to go to drama school rather than university. So I took from this that she thought I shouldn't waste my academic intelligence, rather than I was rubbish at drama.
She often gives me advice about how to raise my children. It always comes across and 'you're doing that wrong, do it my way' but she is saying this because she wants life to be easier for me.
So bascially, it's a lot to do with my perspective on myself but also that she's not really that bad.
She also talks about my weight a bit (I'm a size 14/16). This I think is to do with her own insecurities - she worries about her own weight a lot.

Momsnatter thanks for that. I do think you are prob dealing w. it incredibly well tho as i still can't see in what 'other ways' she is showing you she cares..ie. Does she say 'i want life to be easier' or is that your own interpretation? See, I thought maybe you meant w. affection/hugs etc? My mother didn't 'do' physical contact so that on top of the drip, drip of toxic criticism kinda killed it for me. You are obviously more upbeat and looking for any positives than i am tho, which is no bad thing. And i fully know my mother acted out of malice: her best ever comment was she wished she had never had children as me and my sister were "millstones round her neck".

I had a very similar situation with my mother. She was always putting me down even in front of people, I could have been so much more but i let myself down etc etc. Now for a long, long time i took it to heart and like yourself it really upset me. But now I've decided it's my life and i'm happy and refuse to waste any more of my energy worrying about what she thinks i "could have been". I eventually told her that to her face. You need to take control let her know its your life and you are happy and to butt out.

From her point of view she put everything into helping you have a better start in life than her, better chances than her etc. She never had the option to go to Uni at 18. She's seen you throw away opportunities. You say she's ambitious - she must find it difficult seeing you as a SAHM.

All of this could be improved if she stops viewing you as an extension of herself. Your life isn't her second chance. You're a different person with different priorities.