To think this comment is worrying

[barmysarmy]

Bit of background- My friend of many years has three daughters a 7 year old a 5 year old and a 2 year old. When the last baby was born she and her husband expressed their disappointment that they didnt get the son they so desperately wanted.

I have noticed that my friend appears very distant with her child, her basic needs are attended to but the child is rarely held or comforted and left for hours in her highchair/pram. She regularly covers her daughter with blankets and shades when she goes out and leaves her to cry for ages to get her to sleep.

I am in no means judging her parenting or saying that I am a better mother but at times her behaviour towards her two y ear old is worrying. On the the other hand her other two daughters ( her oldest in particular) is put on a pedestal and treated very differently to her youngest.

A few days ago the little one fell over whilst I was there and split her lip open resulting in a lot of blood and leaving the child distraught, after helping my friend stem the blood and calm the child, I left to pick my daughter up from school.

I later called my friend to ask how her daughter was and to ask if she was ok as I realised that its pretty traumatic for mums when their child gets hurt and my friend told me she was fine but if the accident had happened to someone she felt closer to then she would have felt much worse. I didnt say anything to her at the time but it has been playing on my mind ever since, she didnt mean closer to in distance either as it happened right next to her and she was the first one to attend to the child.

Shall I let this comment go? I cant help thinking that it was almost a cry for help! Any advice appreciated please.

take it as a cry, you may be the only person she feels like she can confide in

No advice sorry but im sure you will get some - bit yes that is a worrying thing to say.

Your friend sounds like she needs help, and I hope you are able to give it :)

It sounds like it may be a cry for help.

PND? Worth having a chat with her and seeing if maybe she will go to the doctor or something?

I think the comment that she made gives you an opening to say something. It sounds like she maybe needs some counselling to help her bond with her youngest child.

I'm not sure I could let it go after a comment making it so obvious.

The problem is she is a very proud person and when I have broached the subject before my friend has became very defensive and avoided me for weeks.
I realised as soon as she said it I should have said something but I was gobsmacked and didnt know how to go about mentioning it.

How well do you know your friend's husband, OP?

I'd be concerned about it too tbh, in as non-judgy a way as possible. Sometimes unresolved issues can sadly interfere with how parents bond with a baby and it needs someone to step in and suggest something like counselling. She may well be aware that her bond isn't what it ought to be but feels too ashamed to reach out for help. It's really difficult to admit to someone that you don't feel the way you want to and know that you should feel about your child.

My friend has similar issues with her DS because she wanted another girl so much. She was finally diagnosed with PND but it took a while to recognise it. She had treatment and came out of the other side and now has a brilliant relationship with her DS.

It would be natural for her to be defensive because it maybe that she feels like she's failing her DD. I think numberlock has a good idea in how well you know her DH - might be worth approaching him? Or Heath visitor?

I used to know him very well, me and my husband used to go on holidays with them, see them every weekend and socialize with them all the time, However this is no longer the case for whatever reason the invites dried up and we barely see them as a couple anymore. He works very very long hours and isnt very involved in the care of his children. I honestly dont think I can broach the subject with him.

I'd take that comment as a cry for help too. It was my initial reaction to reading it.

I'm not sure how you could approach it though

Perhaps you could mention you have been worried about what she said, it reminded you of the story of "your mums friend" and you wouldn't like that to be her or her daughter.

My mum's friend has 2 DD, was teacher, loved and was good with young kids. My mum noticed she seemed very indifferent towards one of them, harsh even whilst the other was the "golden child". One day when dads and kids were out in a boat, she told my mum she didn't care if that child drowned. My mum was shocked and concerned, spoke to the husband who said she had always been like that, baby left crying for hours outside while she carried on indoors as if nothing happening. He seemed to accept it. My mum kept a weather eye but moved away after a couple of years. Heard one daughter had a great high achieving life, the other quite the opposite. It was so sad to see and nowadays people would have access to counselling for PND or something, when they didn't know what to do back then. Maybe things could have been very different and much happier.

OTOH maybe the husband is the issue and she doesn't want to say anything because of previous friendship?

Can you start with a very non-judgy comment that opens the door a little wider for her? This isn't going to be resolved overnight so if you genuinely want to help, you have to be prepared to play a long game.

Something like "Glad to hear she's okay. It's difficult, isn't it? I know a couple of people who have found it harder to get close to one child than another. If you ever want to talk about it, you know where I am."

You know - if this were me, id invite her for coffee, without the kids if possible and just tell her that you are worried. I REALLY don't think this is because she is the wrong sex though, it could well be PND. I would be very frank and open, start the conversation wiht something like. "look, im your friend, you know you can talk to me about anything, i'll never ever judge, but you said something that really worried me, also i noticed that you are a bit distant from the baby........" If she tells you you are being ridiculous then just apologise and tell her you are being silly and making something over nothing but leave it as, "well you know where i am if ever you need to talk about ANYTHING".

Its a very difficult thing to handle, i'd be devestated if i thought people thought i didnt love my baby, i think it was a cry for help. The problem is, she may not thankyou for offering it, if that makes sense.

me and my husband used to go on holidays with them, see them every weekend and socialize with them all the time

Just thinking of all options, could your husband try and re-kindle the friendship with her husband? Eg text/phone call "Long time no speak, hope all OK, fancy a beer some time?"

I was worried I might favour one child over another when thinking about having a second. I couldn't imagine that I could love another child at the same time or as well as DD1. In fact when I had DD2 I loved her so much from the start I thought I would burst. I so enjoyed my mat leave with her & really relished the baby stage in a way that I hadn't with DD1, when I'd always been impatient to get to the next stage...

DD2 was always such a cuddly baby as well which helped a lot, DD1 would seem to want a quick cuddle but then be off crawling or doing something else. I actually worried for a short time that I loved DD2 more than DD1...but then I realised I love them both the same but it is they who are different little people.

DD1 in fact seems to need more reassurance with words than physically. We have nice chats about what has happened at school which she seems to.enjoy.

DD2 needs lots of cuddling, holding, etc but has an awful lot of confidence to just get on with situations without asking for help. Sometimes too much!

Anyway, they are both young really & this could change. Didn't mean to waffle so much, I agree that having a quiet word is a good idea. Sometimes it's worth risking causing offence when it might make someone sit up & think.