to think actually HE contradicted ME first?

[coldcupoftea]

Just had an argument with DH about something that happened this morning.

DD was having a stupid tantrum while getting ready for school (just started reception). I was doing her hair, she wanted het special school hairclips. I told her to go and get them from her bedroom, she had a tantrum because she wanted me to get them. So I told her if she wanted them she needed to get them herself and ignored her flailing hysterics while I carried on getting ready for work.

DH came storming in, grabbed her by the shoulders and shouted at her that she needed to stop this now, she was very naughty and he was going to take 3 stars off her star chart. I said to him (quietly so she wouldn't hear) that I was dealing with it. He made a sarky comment about 'well thanks for supporting me' I said he wasn't helping, he stormed off. Poor DD was then crying real tears because she was genuinely scared that daddy shouted at her so loudly.

Whoops pressed send too soon-now he is annoyed with me because I contradicted him in front of the kids. I think he contradicted me first, and his reaction was disproportionate. AIBU??

Yanbu. He had a total over reaction to the situation.

YANBU, for a start, you shouldn't take away something a child has earned, as its counter-productive. Secondly, there was no need to shout in her face, leaving her to sort herself would have been more help! His reaction was way over the top

more to the point he needs to know that taking away stars is not a good thing.

but yanbu

How old is she? Is reception about 4/5? Well tbh I don't understand why he shouted but men do that (or seem to). What I mean is you obviously have a discipline/reward system in place so there's no real need to shout, just instigate the punishment. (although unnecessary in this instance really)

Anyway, on what you asked - no YANBU. What a ridiculous way for him to handle it. You were doing perfectly fine. If she really wanted to wear them then she would have got them in the end. He turned into a much bigger deal than it was IMO

He says I wasn't dealing with it. I don't tend to punish tantrums, just ignore them, he thinks this is me being soft. I think I need to have a talk with him about the whole bloody point of the star chart. He says in front of the kids we should display a united front- I agree up to a point, but he was the one who butted in, and we ended up being late for school as she was so upset.

You were handling it. He butted in, angrily and over the top.

I think you need to explain in big words with lots of pictures for the hard of thinking how star charts work. They are an incentive to help the child realise the positives that come from good behaviour/doing homework/using the potty whatever. To punish bad behaviour by taking away stars earned by previous good behaviour will pretty much guarantee that she will disregard the star chart, cease to care and her behaviour will deteriorate.

YANBU, ignoring tantrums is the only way to deal with them, any attention will feed the tantrum, so its totally counterproductive. Sounds to me like he knows he went OTT and is now sulking because a) he knows that you know he over reacted and b) you called him on it so he cant pretend in his head that it didnt happen or he was justified.

You are both treating her feelings (what you call a tantrum) as her pissing you off, it seems to me. Shouting and ignoring aren't the best way to deal with this.

She is 4, 5 at the most & probably knackered from full days at school after a long break. You both need to give her a break & find out why she was so upset that no one was helping & help her express her feelings better.

Perhaps keep the clips in an easily accessible place so no one has to go off hunting for them. Or remind her when she brings you the brush, that if she wants her clips, to bring them too.

start a star chart for DH

Don't agree about the star chart, DD has one in which she can go up and down - if she reaches the top she gets a fairly big (in three year old world) present, so it's a big deal for her. But, used sparingly, it does work as a good sanction when nothing else is appropriate, much better for us than the naughty spot or anything like that.

Shouting about removing three stars in one go though is totally the wrong way to handle it.