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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to know what to do re sick friend

19 replies

Tryingtodoitright · 18/09/2012 18:32

Have been told that an old friend is seriously ill. It's not been said in so many words but from my understanding of her illness, she's not going to live through it. She has no family, no longterm partner to support her.

We were close for several years. She wasn't very nice to me - in fact she was a complete bitch more frequently than I could cope with. Eventually I decided I didn't want a friend who wasn't kind at least some of the time, and stopped calling her. And she never called me, and so we lost touch.

So............... I feel really sad to hear she is ill. I wish I could make her OK. It's a fucking tragedy for someone to be terminally ill at such a young age and I can only imagine what she is going through.

On the other hand, I have to be honest, if she was not ill I would not want her back in my life. I have never regretted cutting contact.

I just don't know whether it is right and just the proper human decency thing to do, to contact her and see if I can do anything to make her unthinkably horrible situation more bearable. Considering I wouldn't want to see her again if she were well.

If this is one of those situations that's painfully clear from the outside, then please, tell me what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 18/09/2012 18:34

Hmm, does she have other friends? What support does she have in place?

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 18/09/2012 18:35

This will sound harsh:

She doesn't like you. You don't like her. Leave her alone.

Enjoy your own life.

Tryingtodoitright · 18/09/2012 18:36

I don't know what other friends she has TBH, as we've not been in touch for quite a while. I know she has no family support and is not in a settled long-term relationship.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/09/2012 18:38

If it is something that you think may play on your mind if you dont do anything, then perhaps send her a letter, something neutral but offering a hand of friendship if she wants it. It is then up to her to write back, and you will have the comfort of knowing that you have tried.

StealthPolarBear · 18/09/2012 18:38

Have to say I'd agree with MrsRK unless you are her last/only hope. Obviously be friendly if you see her, but don't go ot of your way to reinstate a friendship that neither of you got much from.

redwineformethanks · 18/09/2012 18:40

A card saying "Sorry to hear your news, hope you are being well looked after" might be a nice gesture, but I'd say inappropriate to suddenly start turning up with casseroles when you both chose to let the friendship come to an end

morethanyoubargainfor · 18/09/2012 18:43

As hard at it may seem it think this is one of those times where you have to accept that you can have people in your heart but not in your life. Personally I would not want to reignite the relationship just because of illness.

Flojo1979 · 18/09/2012 18:47

I think if u r asking this question then u have to do it.
Otherwise I suspect it will play on your mind and haunt u when its too late.
I'm sure having a terminal illness 'at such a young age' would have changed her immensely. She would probably be much more appreciative of your friendship. But u owe her nothing and have nothing to feel guilty about if u decide to leave it.

CrapBag · 18/09/2012 18:58

I don't see why you should get in touch. You don't like her, you wouldn't get in touch if she wasn't ill. I think that pretty much answers it for you.

Being ill doesn't change the past.

pigletmania · 18/09/2012 19:45

I would just leave it, you ended the friendship that is in the past. Do you share any friends, Mabey they could look out fir her.

Tryingtodoitright · 18/09/2012 20:10

Thank you all for your honest advice. The more I think about it, the more I think I can't not contact her. Because I would always regret doing nothing - I know that's the wrong reason to contact her, it's more about me than her. But I would never forgive myself if she died and I'd never at least told her I was thinking of her.

Redwine, I think that is right on the money. A note, which she can take or leave, saying how sorry I am to hear of her illness and that I hope she has good friends to support her, and giving her my contact details.

I am nervous of opening the door to let her back into my life but it just doesn't feel right to do nothing.

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 19/09/2012 13:25

Ah thanks

TroublesomeEx · 19/09/2012 15:26

I can completely understand that initial feeling that maybe you should contact her, but I wouldn't either.

For the reasons everyone else has said.

She's still the same person she was before.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 19/09/2012 16:18

I don't think that people do change immensely because they are ill - if they are not nice people then they don't have a personality change for the better.

Have you thought what you will do if her illness lasts for some time and if she wants or needs repeated, regular contact?

Do you have support if it all gets messy?

TheWonderfulFanny · 19/09/2012 16:29

Unpleasant people also have life-threatening conditions.

Why did you cut her out of your life before? If it was becasue she invented stuff/made everything about her/lied to get her own way for example, this might be more of the same.

If it were me, I wouldn't get in touch. But I might make a donation to a charity associated with the condition if I was trying to be a better person...

OldGreyWiffleTest · 19/09/2012 16:45

Hope - no contact. Keep away.

zlist · 19/09/2012 16:52

I agree with those saying to keep away. Your friendship didn't work out - and it sounds like you both let each other go.
Putting myself in you exfriends position, I wouldn't want to suddenly be contacted by an exfriend at a time like this.

EmmaBemma · 19/09/2012 16:56

I like the note idea. She can choose to ignore it if she wants to. I'm sorry to hear about this; what a sad and difficult situation.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2012 17:01

Send her a card to say that you are sorry about her illness and put your contact details on it

Leave the ball in her court

It would, like someone said, be weird to turn up out of the blue like some sort of ambulance-chaser when you lost contact for very good reasons a long time ago

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