(posted in relationships but not getting any response, so donning hard hat and and flameproof coat and preparing to be pelted with buns)
I feel hurt and betrayed, even though i totally see his point.
Its over money, basically a client has been slow in paying, we have some (small) mortgage arrears (less than one months worth) and this money is to be used to pay this off.
Anyway, on saturday the client told DP she was going to transfer the money - today i asked DP "you will pay the mortgage today wont you, im starting to get stressed" DP: "yeah, i will do" i KNEW he had no intention of paying, i also knew in the back of my mind the client hadn't paid yet. So i said "are you sure", "theres a problem isn't there" cue DP looking sheepish and him saying, "oh well actually client hasn't paid yet i'll pay when she pays" So i asked him why he thought it was ok to lie, blatantly to my face angry
He said becaues he "didn't want to worry me" It slightly more complicated that this, I have an anxiety disorder, im currently undergoing CBT and i think it might be working. So my normal reaction would be to fly off the handle, go into "disaster mode" everything degenerates into an almighty row. In fact that is what did happen this very weekend because there was a dispute with the client over the pay (awkward one, my DP did a job for someone via a third party, he thought she was aware of his hourly rate etc and that extra charges would be made because there were expenses in the way of parking (£30 a day!) so partly DPs own fault for not ensuring client was up to speed, his friend was in charge of the job and should have told her an estimate, which he didn't so DP already knocked money off the bill to avoid conflict hmm)So anyway, i went into my normal meltdown over this - this is a symptom of my anxiety and i was pretty shitty to DP, called him an idiot - (i know i shouldnt have done this and i apologised and felt terrible) but its like i can't control myself, i have spoken to my therapist about this and we are working on it, i know i shoudlnt be saying these things, shouldnt be panicing but once i start im on a straight road and can't stop.
So i do understand why he felt it was maybe better not to tell me, but i not an idiot, i knew there was a problem. I had rationalised it to myself anyway as I had decided i must just let him deal with it. But it hurts so much that he feels he can't be open with me about things but also i feel gagged in as much as if he does something that upsets me, i can't say anything because its due to my over reacting due to my anxiety disorder. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
My dad died 7 years ago today, so i had no energy for a row this morning, but told DP i was really upset with him and could hardly bring myself to talk to him - he went off to work, came back just as i was getting ready to go to the cemetary to put some plants on my dads grave. He offered me a lift which i took grudgingly and we did argue on the way there - but i didn't "go into one" i just sat quiet, i didn't want to be having this, i wanted to go and sort my dads grave out - anyway, i told him to go back to work and leave me there. I sat and sobbed for a bit and then got on with sorting my dads grave out (it was a bit of a mess) I thought about things and how i don't want to continue being lied to, this is something trivial - how can i relax if i think he is lying over trivial (relatively) things, i will always worry that we are going to be in trouble (its always money sad ) Anyway, after about half an hour DP came back and i was still very cold with him but i was so pleased to see him that after a bit i said sorry hmm and asked for a cuddle. He said sorry too and that he really didn't want me to worry but i feel that its that he doesn't want me to kick off rather than being genuinely concerned about my anxiety. He is very hmm about the CBT but i think it could be good. Its that or medication and he doesen't want me taking meds and being like a zombie agian.
I am looking for a job, i know that this will make the difference, but no matter how hard i try i dont seem to get anywhere. Today i am on tenterhooks because im waiting for an email from a trust that may or may not be offering me the opportunity to apply for a fellowship, it means a modest but respectable part time wage and my feet back on my career ladder. If i don't get it im going to fall apart because its very much last chance saloon. Im checking my email like an obsessive with OCD and its driving me nuts.
I just want a break, one lucky break. Im sorry if you have managed to read this far i just needed to get this out somewhere. I love my DP dearly and he is a good and decent man, trying his best up against so much pressure but he has to see that he must never ever lie to me. I need to face my demons so i dont react explosively, but i can't do that without his support.