Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

in thinking DP is unreasonable?...

22 replies

newfashionedmum · 18/09/2012 09:42

He asked me to look after DD all day on Saturday so he could do a job application. I'm a full time student as well as being the main carer for our primary school age daughter, do all pick ups and make everyone's teas and do lots of household stuff (he does a significant share but I think I do more) so don't get a full day in of study. Weekends are my catch up on work time and I have a big assignment due in which I've already requested an extension for.

Last night he told me he had a job application to do which he'd need to do on Saturday. It's for a job being readvertised which he was interviewed for but didn't get, mainly because he was a bit too relaxed about getting it (it was an internal promotion). I have already lost a couple of days work through DD being ill over the last 3 days, and said I was really worried about not getting my work done so suggested he took time off in the week to do the application (btw he also spends 2 hrs a week playing computer games). He readily agreed to do this.. BUT

He's really cross and upset because I wouldn't thank him for deciding to take Friday off. I did say I appreciated it but that I didn't see it as a favour, which is what I'd say thank you for. He doesn't see it as a favour either but that the job application is 'our' thing which needs to be done (ie bcs he's the one bringing the main income in atm) and therefore more of a joint responsibility - so I should thank him for arranging things so I can get on with my work as 'he can see how stressed I am'.

He is so upset about this I am beginning to doubt myself, AIBU?

OP posts:

Gumby · 18/09/2012 09:44

Sounds like you're both stressed tbh

Kayano · 18/09/2012 09:49

Well he did take a day off when you asked him which is a bit more tricky

Is a 'thanks' really this big of a deal?

I say thanks to DH if he does something like that and vice versa.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2012 09:53

It's nothing to fall out over surely?

HeathRobinson · 18/09/2012 09:55

Wait, he takes all day to do a job application?

CheeseandPickledOnion · 18/09/2012 09:57

I'd have thanks him in that situation. It's just nice to be nice eh?

TroublesomeEx · 18/09/2012 09:57

I agree with Gumby it sounds like you've both got a lot on your plates. DH and I have been there - juggling family, full time work, full time studying and it's so easy to get to the point where it feels a little like the other person is taking the piss a bit.

What you both have to recognise is that you both feel a bit like that! It's not really important to establish who is right or wrong; a winner or a loser. It's just about recognising that you're both focused on your own priorities, whilst recognising that the other person has different, equally important priorities.

He conceded by booking the day off to complete the application form.

Saying "Thank you" requires no effort or sacrifice on your part and will just oil the wheels of co-operation until a time when things are a bit less pressured.

stopthecavalry · 18/09/2012 09:58

agree with say thanks.
also can see why it would take all day to do a job app if you want to do it really well.

Doilooklikeatourist · 18/09/2012 10:00

Can't you just say " thanks Darling ( insert name here ) I appreciate it "
I think you ABU not to say thanks .

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/09/2012 10:01

He is being a bit unreasonable for having to "book" time to do an application. Is it that bad? Wouldnt an evening or two when DD is in bed get it done?

But the whole thing is a little ridiculous and I think theres a lot of resentment building between you. He resents being the main earner and you resent him not pulling his weight at home.

Think you both need to stop being drawn into these arguements, sit down and actually talk.

Kayano · 18/09/2012 10:01

DH spent an entire day on an internal promotion once - going over questions/ answers / figures

He's never wanted anything so much

And he got it
Good luck to your dp

procrastinor · 18/09/2012 10:17

heath I think that a day to consider your application carefully, rewrite your cv (I'm presuming he didn't do that last time) and to address any specific points raised in the last failed interview would be time well spent. He may need to hunt through and fill in courses, how he shows progression, he may need to come up with a business plan for his dept etc etc.

OP is "thank you" that big a deal? Plus you know that he now has one less annual leave day to spend with you and dd either when you have a deadline to meet or just generally as a family? I don't think I'd want my dh using up precious AL for this when it could be accommodated.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 18/09/2012 10:30

Just say thank you and shut him up. Then get on with your life. Is it such a big deal for a quiet life and to make him happy?

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 18/09/2012 10:33

No YANBU. He is saying his time is more important than yours. I would be annoyed at this too

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 18/09/2012 12:22

I think a day or more to prepare is reasonable yes at the level this job is at - I used to work at a similar level and would have taken at least a day. But I would rather he didn't take a day A/L (he sometimes uses it for holiday with us but also sometimes just to spend a day doing what he wants - sitting at the computer mostly) I would rather he didn't spend 12 hrs gaming this week and used that time for his application.

I do understand why people say about 'just say thanks is it a big deal?' but yes it is, because to me saying thanks implies he is doing me a favour by booking AL on Friday so I don't have to look after DD on Saturday afternoon, which is when he's supposed to spend time with her. So effectively I'd be thanking him for letting me say 'no I'm sorry I can't help you out this time'. It gets right to the nub of the problem I have as a stay at home student and parent, that my time is always the one that bends (taking the car for MOT, doing the food shops, cooking dinners, hanging out the washing while its sunny, taking DD to the dentist, etc etc) because my work time isn't 'protected' in the same way his is. I feel that I'm doing a full time 'job' (albeit studies that I enjoy) and 3pm-8pm domestic duties every day on top, while his contribution to the household isn't as great and depends more on what free time he has (after his gaming) - and I'm struggling. If I thank him for letting me have time that is supposed to be mine anyway (he spends saturday mornings in bed while I look after DD, I get sat afternoons as my time in return) it kind of implies that I'm not really entitled to that time in the first place.

Everyone who says there's stress/resentment here you are entirely right - on both sides. Which is really sad isn't it.

I should do some of that work I've been stressing about. But I'm worrying that this argument and the way we dealt with it has pushed him too far. He is really angry and upset and I think some of it is that he knows the gaming is at the root of it. He gets SO defensive when we talk about it and guards it so jealously. He admitted last night that it has been a major bone of contention in all his previous relationships.

OP posts:

LydiasMiletus · 18/09/2012 12:30

I think this is all really petty and you are both playing power games. It won't end well. You need to discuss this properly.

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 18/09/2012 13:54

Lydia, we have discussed it, over and over. Last night for a couple of hours. Did you read my last post? Can you see why we think its not petty?

OP posts:

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 18/09/2012 13:57

Perhaps you need to talkj to him about the fact that he is not doing his fair share of childcare and housework with a view to getting a practical agreement of how you do this more fairly. So him having responsibility for certain housework jobs and being responsible for childcare at fixed times.

And then you could have some free time to do what you want as well.

TroublesomeEx · 18/09/2012 14:05

But wouldn't saying "thank you" just acknowledge that on this occasion, he had made alternative plans rather than just expecting you to bend.

I think EatsBrains has a good point - you feel resentful that you are the primary carer for your daughter, a full time student and the main housework person. He feels resentful that he is the one working f/t and trying to get a promotion to improve everyone's financial situation. You need to find a fairer way of dividing the workload.

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 18/09/2012 15:10

Yes, thanks Eats and Folk - not sure exactly how to go about this but a more specific his n hers list might be good - including giving DD (7) some chores maybe so we all feel we're pulling together.

I suppose I kind of knew this but can't see thro the fog and needed it pointing out, its been a hard month one way and the other and this just came at a bad time.

...or would it work to allocate us 'me time' ie he currently has 12 hrs gaming and 3 hrs climbing a week - so 15 hrs - maybe cut that to 10 hrs and we have 10 hrs each a week protected time - to use as we like, fitting round each other where we can? The rest we do chores, some his n hers but others just general stuff we share depending when its needed (eg bringing the washing in/washing up / sweeping floors etc)

I know we sound gripey but we have been under a lot of strain and our relationship has had lots of pressures from the off - we're usually really supportive of each other, especially after I stopped work last year- but goodwill has begun to run dry as my workload increased again...

OP posts:

LydiasMiletus · 18/09/2012 15:14

Yes I have read the your posts and it seems like power games and petty. Sorry, but it does.
You need to come to some resolution. Imo, a thank you wouldn't be a hardship. But you won't to it.
Its a power game.
You need to discuss all the issues that you have mentioned. You are both clearly frustrated with eachother. If discussing doesn't work, try counselling.
If that doesn't work, what do you think the outcome will be a few years down the line?

squeakytoy · 18/09/2012 15:33

I could not live a life where every hour was allocated and accounted for, including leisure time. It would be draining.

Original poster

newfashionedmum · 23/09/2012 22:54

Thanks to everyone who posted, we are talking again and have still more to do but it feels like we're on the same side again at last!

OP posts:

Flip