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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to support my DDs through the terminal illness of their father.

17 replies

GilbGeekette · 18/09/2012 07:44

ExH was admitted to hospital just under 2 weeks ago with suspected liver failure. Whilst his liver has turned out to be ok, he was very jaundiced and subsequent investigations have concluded that he has advanced pancreatic cancer. We have two DDs, youngest is 14 and lives with me, eldest is 16 and lives with her father and his wife. They're about an hour and a half's drive away.

I know I'm BU, as AIBU isn't an advice forum, but I got such good advice here re contacting his wife last week, that I'm posting in the hope that someone can offer some insight into how the hell I can support my DDs whilst they watch their father die. He is only in his early 40s.

I'm doing everything I can think of; letting them talk, accepting their emotions as they surface, being honest about the cancer, giving the eldest time away so she can gather herself and not have to be 'brave' etc etc but I have no idea what they're going through. My 14yo is going to school - very unwillingly but I can't just let her have the next few weeks/months off, can I?

I'm lucky; my parents and GPs are still alive. I've not had to deal with bereavement of anyone close to me. No-one I know in RL has had to deal with the loss of a parent until they were adults either. I appreciate that anyone who has experienced this will find it very painful but I would be incredibly grateful for any advice or insight, either her, or by PM.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/09/2012 07:47

No advice really it sounds like you are doing everything to support them. I have heard people saying the charity winstons wish is very good at helping to provide support to young people in such situations.

Sirzy · 18/09/2012 07:48

On the school issue is there a staff member that could be a support for your Dd in school so if she is upset/worried she can go to speak to them?

MrsKeithRichards · 18/09/2012 07:49

I don't know any names but there will be charities out there that will offer support. Best wishes.

talkingnonsense · 18/09/2012 07:49

I have no direct experience, but know from a friend that the charity Winstons Wish are very helpful, and the local hospice also found them appropriate counselling.

Make sure you take care of yourself too, as even as ex dh you may well have quite strong feelings of grief.

charliechildnurse · 18/09/2012 07:50

I second Winston's Wish. You're not supposed to know what to do in this situation, so you shouldn't feel bad in the slightest. Make sure they both know that you are there for them when they do need to talk.

IWishIWasSheRa · 18/09/2012 07:51

I am so sorry to hear this, I followed your other thread, I think everything you described is all that you can do. I am the same as you and fortunate not to have gone through this. I think school is a good option for your youngest but with flexibility. I am sure someone more helpful will be along in a minute.
I would send his wife a bunch of flowers from you and the girls, it might help to show the girls that you are all in it together ifyswim.
What a horrendous situation and my heart goes out to you

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 18/09/2012 07:53

I would be tempted to write to the head and tell him/her that dd2 is going to see her dad for a week as he will be too ill by half term to spend any propertime with her.

JayEee · 18/09/2012 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GilbGeekette · 18/09/2012 08:47

Thank you all. I've looked at Winston's Wish and their website seems very helpful indeed.

I've spoken to her HoY at school who is being very supportive too. School has an on-site counsellor, who she can see if she needs to, and her teachers are aware of the situation, so she can excuse herself from class without any hassle, if she needs a few minutes to gather herself. I want her to go as much as she can because a) she's just starting her new GCSE subjects and b) she's eventually going to need some time off when he passes. Also it's a bit of distraction for her. In the same vein, I'm madly decorating the house and doing a lot of cleaning (this is not normal for me) - anything to stop my brain from working overtime.

We weren't happily married, I was 18 and he was...older, but we had two children together and whilst he wasn't a great husband, he has always been a fantastic and involved dad. He's in my head as DD's father not my ExH, if that makes sense, because I don't have the emotional energy to process him as anything else.

Thanks again for all your input and good wishes.

OP posts:

GoldShip · 18/09/2012 08:53

I have no advice to give but I didn't want to read and run.

I think you're doing enough. Seriously. All you can do is be there for them and make sure they can see him as much as they want to.

Thoughts are with you and your poor children x

SoleSource · 18/09/2012 08:55

No direct experience here either bit feel like I want to tell you that I think you are lovely. All the best to all concerned x

Thumbwitch · 18/09/2012 09:00

Since you've already been given great advice, I'm not sure I can add anything beneficial but I recognised you from your previous thread and wanted to add my support - I think you're already doing the best you can.

Let them talk as much or as little as they need to - it's good that they have school on board and the school counsellor available (or is that just the younger one? See if you/ her stepmum can arrange it for the older one as well).

Talking of the older one - I know she lives with your ex and her stepmum - what is likely to happen when he passes away? Will she stay with her stepmum, will they both be happy with that arrangement? This is something that may need to be explored before he dies, as it may be too traumatic to think reasonably about it afterwards.

I remember that the stepmum was grateful to you for phoning - perhaps you can have another chat with her (I don't know how feasible that is from your POV) about how best to support your elder DD, as she is the "on site" parent - see if you can work together with her as well.

So very sad for your DDs - it's a horrible disease. :(

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 18/09/2012 09:06

I was in a simelar situation to your dds. My Mum and Dad weren't together, and I lost my Dad to cancer when I was 15. He lived quite far away, but the best thing my Mum did for me was to communicate with his side of the family even though it was very difficult for her because of the history, and she did a lot of travelling to take me to see him.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. There isn't anything you can do to make it easier and take it away from them, although I know you wish you could. Keep doing what you are doing, and talk about him to them. Make sure they think about anything they might want to say to him and advice them to say it. It is horrible for someone to die when things are left unsaid, and you might be able to help prevent that.

Your dds will probably appreciate knowing stories about how you got together with their Dad and happy times that you had. Although maybe this can wait for now and will be more appropriate when he is gone. We do learn more about people when they have gone sometimes, and that was very true for me losing a parent at a young age, because it is hard for children to really know a parent as a person who isn't just their parent if that makes sense.

3monkeys · 18/09/2012 09:11

I work in a hospice, they will be able to offer counselling to the children and advice to you

Original poster

GilbGeekette · 18/09/2012 09:57

Thumbwitch - the question of where eldest DD lives afterwards, as it were has been discussed between me and her, and between her, her Dad and her SM. Her preference, which I understand, is to remain there until she goes to Uni. I've been very clear with her, repeatedly as it doesn't always go in the first time, that whatever her choice is I will support her. Obviously, I'd love to have her with us, but I fully accept that her life, school, friends and on a day to day basis, her family life, her home, is with her Dad and SM. Her SM, so I'm told, supports this. She has very little remaining family too, and my DH said that if it was the other way round, so to speak, he'd be devastated at the thought of DD going to live with her dad.

In a week or so, when I'm a bit less fuddled, I was going to write a very carefully worded letter to her Dad and SM and say all this. Phoning is hard as SM is still very upset and he is quite dopey from meds and struggling badly with the prognosis. I thought a letter would be less intrusive and means they aren't on the spot.

Outraged - I've unearthed my wedding photos and all the photos we have of us as a family when DDs were tiny wee, on the basis that they'll all be in one place and it might help a bit when the times comes. I've always talked with them about him, they were so small when we split (2 and 4) that really the only memories they have of us as a family are the ones we've given them.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 18/09/2012 10:01

Sounds like you have it all pretty much covered, Gilb - but do come and offload here whenever you need to.
Also, you might find that you get more emotional than you expect about your ex dying - that's ok too - just come and let it all out on here, whatever you can't say in RL.

DrCoconut · 18/09/2012 22:57

Winston's wish are a great organisation and I agree with those who said to contact them. I lost my dad as a child and so wish something like that had been around then. Help them to deal with it now as it's happening rather than storing up all the feelings for later.

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