to refuse to be unpaid taxi service?

[Shewhoisneverobeyed]

Hello everyone,

Im new to this site but just wanted to canvas opinion (and have a moan). As background I've got 3 children, 8,13 & 16. Im a single parent for getting on for 3 years. I work every day but am able to pick up little one from school.

Just getting really fed up of kids assuming that I'll ferry them everywhere. We live in a city with a good local bus service as well as being within a 10 min walk of town. Area is ok, not crime ridden or dangerous.

They've come home from a weekend with their dad who drops them at school on monday mornings with them all telling me that I've now got to go and collect all their baggage from his house. He has a car but is away in London for most of the week.

On top of this, my 16 year old who wants to be a dentist (just started her a-levels) has joined St John Ambulance which meets tonight from 7.30-9pm. She came home telling me she couldn't be bothered to go tonight/ever so I said fair enough its up to you, its your career and Im not about to start forcing you to do something you dont want to. She came back to me later saying she'd go. I told her she could cycle there and back (having already had 3 kids telling me I've GOT to collect their bags from Dad's tonight) to which she said she wasnt going to go then.

Basically just laziness. The cycle ride would take under 10 minutes along well lit streets.

What with me refusing to pick up bags/ferry to St Johns, Ive been getting a real earful - I've got a car but I don't see why I should always have to ferry kids about. I would never have expected a lift for anything when I was younger (live in same town).

Am I being unreasonable? Just fed up of being the unpaid taxi service.

Tell them to bring their luggage to school - there is no reason for you to go and get it, it can stay there til next time and their dad can wash their clothes.

I quite often give dd lifts but anywhere she can easily walk to I don't, it's not teaching independence to ferry them about everywhere.

YANBU. Tell the 16yo that from now on your going to be charging for petrol money to take her to St John's or collect her things rom her dad's, then see what she says.

What would she do if you got rid of your car?

If my 16yo wanted to do voluntary work to help a future career, I'd be more than happy to give lifts.

Sorry, I just think this stuff is normal parenting.

What usually happens with their stuff being left at their Dads?

4yr old DSS2 manages to carry and look after a bag between his mothers and ours now he's at school. It's not exactly hard!

i don't think anybody should be taking the car on a journey that is a 10min cycle on well-lit roads unless the rain or wind is so bad it becomes dangerous.

tell her you'll cycle alongside her or walk and hold her hand if she wants

You can't possibly ferry all three of them to everything they'll ever want to do so they need to get used to being independent, starting with your eldest. My parents never gave me lifts on the same grounds - I was with my single mum during the week and she worked full time and was too tired to cope with ferrying me about in the evenings. I used to find it annoying but now completely understand that I was being lazy and selfish - the only places I wanted to go were walkable or on the bus route anyway and I always managed to go where I wanted in the end, it was just a matter of wanting it to happen enough to make the effort. Encourage your daughter to do the SJA by all means and remind her how useful it will be on her CV when she starts complaining it's too dark/cold/far to cycle. If you cave in to her the other two will expect the same when they're older and you'll have never a minute to yourself, plus they won't have the independence that will stand them in good stead when they leave home.

They are your kids fgs. Giving them lifts is a normal parenting thing.

YABVU.

Dentistry courses are highly competitive and require not only outstanding exam results but as many demonstrations of voluntary work/extracurricular activities as possible to prove your dedication.

If she can't be arsed to cycle to her first aid course once a week at this age, she perhaps doesn't have what it takes.

Given the apparent dichotomy between the "taxiing them everywhere is normal" brigade and the "no, it's ABNORMAL" brigade, it's obviously normal in some families and not in others. Perhaps, if you feel up to it, the compromise is you could provide a lift to one activity per child per week, as long as they ask you politely of course.

My mother wouldn't drive me anywhere after dark! I soon got the hang of public transport.

Sit down and work out what you are prepared to do liftwise - don't just blanket-refuse out of principle. It is a thin line between pandering to kids who then fail to learn any resilience or ability to cope on their own, and effectively denying your kids opportunities/failing to support them in what are, after all, fairly difficult years. You have to find a balance.

Is the real problem a lack of gratitude? Would it be more palatable if they said thank you occasionally? Is the issue actually that you're being taken for granted, rather than the lifts? Because if so, I find a full-scale hissy fit works a treat .

There's a balance to be had. I've always encouraged sharing of lifts - is there not someone else who might like a lift one way or one week, and then you et a week off? I can understand not wanting to cycle somewhere in the evening (and presumably back again) when you've been at school all day and presumably need to fit homework in too. When my dc are doing things like that, I'm happy to give them lifts if I can. I also find that sitting in the car often elicits conversations that just don't happen when all the family are in the house. It's invaluable communication time with my teens. Supporting them to do activities is part of being a parent I think.
OTOH, if they want to go out with friends, or round to friends houses, then they can walk, mostly.

When I was a teen we didn't have a family car
I think it teaches a good sense of independence in teenagers as well as organisational and puntuality skills when they have to plan a journey in order to get to somewhere on time.

Giving lifts seems like normal parenting to me. It's good to ssupport them and it's not like they are 18 or 20.

Well thanks for your opinions everyone. Just to clarify, I do give the kids lifts all over the place but just got to the point where I seemed to be doing all the leg work to take them places that they wouldn't bother going to if they had to give an ounce of effort themselves. I've got a 13 year old that refuses to catch the bus! Anyway, a quick update....... I suggested eldest cycled to St Johns which she she did after some prevarication! She even then cycled to her dads to pick up the bags on behalf of her sisters.

Funniest thing though, when she got back she gave her little sister her laptop and she got no thanks. So I said when she told me about it later - now you know how I feel! She said she felt really miffed and that she even thought 'that's what it must be like for mum'. I guess its a start eh!
I liked the suggestion of a family meeting, and the hissy fit comment made me laugh. Anyhoo, thanks for all your comments :)

I think lift to St. John's (at least in winter) is a reasonable thing for you to do. Taking up the slack for disorganisation or laziness like leaving bags at Dad's, very much less so.

I'm glad it worked out, and the eldest got a bit of perspective on what it's like for you.