To punish or not to punish

[aabb]

My 17 yr old son was asked on several occasions to be ready to leave the house at 7.50 to catch a train to military college. He decided that we only needed 15 mins and therefore this morning refused to be ready til 8.00. As it happens, there was no traffic delay so we had enough time but as it is my car, my petrol, and my time I feel it's disrespectful to ignore my request. As he intends to join the army I am tempted to text him to walk the 3 miles back when he returns this evening by way of showing that he cannot dictate all the terms when he is contributing nothing to the household. Is this too extreme? What would other Mothers suggest?

It is the age where he is learning and wanting to make his own judgments and contribute to the adult decisions being made in the household.

Negotiation would have been better than this sort of stand off.

If his attitude is defiant though I would simply refuse to take him again.

If it's not, then negotiate. Punishing someone of his age makes you sound a bit scared of him iyswim?

Tell him to be ready tomorrow or he can walk but don't do it today.

I wouldn't let a 17yr old do that to me they are either ready for their lift or they get themselves there, if he is wanting to go into the army he isn't going to have his mum run his life for him , tell him he needs to be ready for X time or you are not taking him,

Tell him that you want him ready by 7.50 and if he isn't and it causes him to miss the train he will have to accept the consequences of being late for school. I imagine a military college is not going to be wishy washy about punishing lateness?

I think as most 17 year olds like to try to be independant! I personally wouldnt make him walk back only because he might react worse. If i was you i would talk to him and say "look this is my car and i would appreciate it if you got up earlier only i dont want you to be later" if he doesnt listen and does the same tomoz,then i would make him walk back.at least if youve sat and talked to him hes had the warning :) x

Thank you - ok will try to explain my decision and if he is still resistant tomorrow will suggest he walks. Grateful for your responses X

I don't think making him walk home tonight will teach him anything but if he's not ready by 7.50am tomorrow morning then you just go without him.

At 7.50 you get in the car and leave. He's practically an adult, if he can't be ready for his pre-arranged lift then he needs to make his own way.

I wouldn't 'punish' him though. I would simply stick to my side of the bargain and let him negotiate any fall out.

OP are you maybe panicking he misses the train ? you could also go down the route of him missing his train to show him leaving at 8 isn't going to work out

I would talk to him as others have suggested. Tell him the time you will be leaving tomorrow morning, and if he's ready then take him to school, if not, the natural consequences of his lateness will be dealt with by the school.

My son is nearly 8 and used to mess around in the mornings before school. One time we were very late to school and he had to walk in whilst assembly was going on. He bloody hated it so much, all I need to do is remind him of that time and it does the trick

I'd take him at 8am and if he misses the train that's his problem.

very late to school and he had to walk in whilst assembly was going on. He bloody hated it so much, all I need to do is remind him of that time and it does the trick

The walk of shame DDs hate being late because of the walk

What about telling him that it's your car, your time and you have other things to do (an appointment somewhere?) so could he be you wanted him ready at the door at 7.45am and not a minute later or you would not be able to do the lifts.

Are there any buses?

You can't really punish him he's 17.

But I'd just say you either do it, or make your own way their. Some independence will do him the world of good anyway

If he is seriously going to join the army then he seriously needs to get a new attitude or he won;t lest 5 minutes!

I have zero tolerance for lateness - tell him when he has his own transport to the station (bike?) he can leave at whatever time he likes but if he is expecting you to give him a lift then it's on your terms.

last 5 minutes not lest!

I'd be taking him at 8am and definitely missing the train

Do you need to leave at 7.50? If so, go (without him if necessary).

But if this is about giving a him lift then I think at 17 its fine to let him decide what time he needs to leave. If he misses the train then it's his problem and his responsibility. You can't help him become an adult by organizing his life for him (however much he appears to need it).

If you punish him then you're back to that me adult, you child relationship that you both need to put behind you.

Jesus Christ. Make you're own way THERE not their. I've no woken up properly

YABU. I'm with BarbarianMum here. If I was giving an adult a lift to the station I would ask what time they needed to leave by and (so long as they knew where the station was) I would go with that. He is 17, so treat him as an adult. If he chooses a time too late and misses his train, he will learn from that and it is his call. I would be annoyed with him changing his mind from 7:50 till 8 though.

Why are you driving a 17 year old 3 miles anyway? It's a journey that is almost certainly as quick by bike.

But if you are, then it's perfectly reasonable I think for him to decide what time you need to leave so unless you're doing something else which means you need to leave at a particular time for those errands, then as you're doing him a favour he should respect you.

This is an excellent answer too and one I hadn't thought of. Thank you

(To Barbarian Mum)

I'd expect him to be jogging there and back with a 56lb pack on his back! He's not going to be able to ask for lifts from his mum when he joins the army is he?

ha ha you're right Mandy!