Should DH do the floors?

[holyfishnets]

Please help me find some perspective as I'm shattered and I'm struggling. I have previously had mild PND when I have felt totally snowed under. I just wondered if things are balanced correctly/fairly in MN eyes?

Pre kids we shared the housework, DIY, etc equally but now we have children (boys aged 9, 3 and baby) and things have changed - naturally.

I do all the childcare - various baby/toddler groups, helping with homework, older club runs, baths, book reading, getting the three kids changed, play dates, putting kids to bed, making lunch boxes etc. I also do all the cleaning, piles and piles of washing (without a tumble dryer) and I do all the cooking/food shopping/food planning/washing up etc. I also work 1.5 days a week which isn't much and go to a gym two evenings a week. Generally the house is a bit messy despite me tidying every day. I never seem to get on top of it ever and realise that I would have to totally ignore the kids all the time to make real headway with the cleaning/sorting of rooms. I seem to spend a lot of time picking things up (DH's dirty pants, toys etc).

DH commutes about an hour and 15 mins each way, he works normal full time hours and he plays football two nights a week. He leaves the house before me and the boys wake up and sometimes might be back in time to kiss them goodnight in bed. He seems to potter once home and might do one small thing like move the dishes near the dish washer or put the recycling bins out.

Tonight I asked him to take charge of all the floors. They are half carpet and half wooden. It would make a huge difference to me if he could mop one night and hoover the carpet the next and do the stairs the following day. Am I reasonable to ask him to do this? He looked a bit shocked as he thinks he already helps a lot. Am I being fair?

I think if you can afford it you need a cleaner/some help. IF he is commuting three hours a day and you have three very young children and a job it would help you both.

Although, I think if he can put dishes NEAR a dishwasher he can put them in it.....

Not sure really, but surely the 9yo can help out a bit, either looking after the younger ones, or hoovering for you in exchange for pocket money?

You're being completely fair I think.

Well the 9 year old for starters should be able to get himself bath/changed and he should be able to hoover for you.

Personally, I would be doing all what you do and the floors...

I think a cleaner would be good if you have the money. If not, list all the chores, sit down with him and agree who does what. May work better than just saying which ones as long as you both agree.

What happens at weekends? Who does the cooking, clearing up etc then? I'd save as much as you can for the weekend and then do it together. He can't play the exhausted, 'I've had a hard day' routine then.

During the week I would stop housework as soon as he walks through the door and then divvy up all the jobs if he insists on being an arse.

Hard to say really-he´s out of the house more hours, but you´ve always got two children with you(?)

What does he do to help?

TBH, often, what I didn´t get done in the day tended to not get done.

When husband gets in-he doesn´t want to start housework & I want to be knocking off for the day.

My dp commutes long hours and he is only really up for helping cook or dishes in the week. Can't say I blame him really.

I think it's a bit much to expect him to start cleaning when he gets home - how about him helping to tidy so you can do a quick mop or Hoover of a floor each morning. If you do one room each day it should be manageable.

We do every chore 50/50 here even with kids

I wash and iron and dust and put all the 'mess' away
He does litter, bins and all the floors and cooks

We split the dishes.

I will be going back to work 3 days a week but it ain't changing. I'm the mother and carer of his children, not his skivvy

I would not expect my dh to do anything during the week is it was me and would be expect to be growled at if I suggested it....a long commute and full time is not a preamble to sweeping and mopping floors. The weekend is different though and if he could just do that it would really help....or if he could take the kids out for a few hours whilst you mopped and then sat down in peace it would be even better! By the way, I come at this from both sides having done the first (3 under 4 1/2) and now the second..........

Alternatively, get a cleaner as previously suggested!

Thanks for the perspective.

At weekends we share childcare but I still do most of the housework. My nine year old boy does help out a bit (hoovered his room tonight) but also adds to the mess - leaving football kit/boots on the floor etc.

I like the idea of a cleaner by the way. DH is very anti spending money on such things but it would make my life easier.

If you're shattered and struggling, and he isn't, then I think you should be able to ask for more help. The kids won't be that much work forever, and it'll soon be easier. I hope you can have a good chat and help him see that you need him a bit more just now, for a little while.

But try not to stress too much about cleaning and housework. Some toys/crumbs on the floor is really not worth falling out or exhausting yourself over.

Anything not done in the day gets shared in the evenings and weekends. The idea that one of us gets to chill whilst the other cleans because it is their job sits badly with me.

Your dh sounds very separate from home life which I would be uncomfortable with. He can mop after a commute just like I can mop after a disrupted night, early start and busy day. Neither of us are madly enthused by the task but doing it together makes life better.

You work, have three children and a dh who leaves pants on the floor...if it's not working for you then something needs to change and he should want that too.

I agree beancurd. Also an hour commute home could be a train journey listening to music and reading a novel. Hardly equal to fighting to get 3 children fed, bathed and bedded! Hope he doesn't expect a meal on the table as well op

Blimey. I have to be honest, I would really struggle with having to do the floors after a long commute. I work full-time with a shorter commute than that, and I am knackered at the end of the day.

DH is at home full time, we have one child. He doesn't hoover, has always hated doing it and we only have carpet upstairs. I loathe hoovering too and I do do it, but probably about once every three months, at the weekend. I'd rather have an inhumanly disgusting house than have rows. He does wash the hard floors something like weekly, and I sweep up something like three times a week before doing to work.

If I were you I would invest in a Roomba. The cheapest one is £279 - that's 15 weeks of a cleaner.

Well, I am WOHM with SAH husband. Mu commute is shorter than your DH's (but not dramatically so) and my DH and I share chores, so I cook every evening and clear away while DH gets other stuff done. We both do laundry. My BIL1 has an astonishing pressured job, but when he is not travelling he has always cleared up after dinner, got the kids breakfast and done other bits and pieces-that sister is SAHM. BIL2 (both he and this sister work, she is part-time) is not good on either cooking or housework but takes over childcare while my sister does it.

So, based on that experience I'd say he has to do more, and you probably both need to look at how you could be more organised and tidy so you aren't doing crisis management but are keeping on top of it (number one thing: everyone really really has to tidy up their own stuff. You could spend your entire time just picking up after others and never getting anything else done). My husband and I blitz the house together one night a week. We get really ratty, then we get into it and start joking and there is usually tea and late night telly at the end of it.

Oh, and buy a tumble dryer. No dryer with three kids? Madness. Even if it is a tiny one or you only use it for bed linen, get one.

IME, it's the picking stuff up and putting it away that's time consuming. I think your best bet is to make him responsible for putting away his own crap and actually loading / unloading the dishwasher rather than rearranging stuff near it. If floors are clear, hovering and mopping would take one of you an hour at the weekend while the other took the children out to play.

Oh, and agree with Eldritch about the tumble dryer. Saves a lot of time, and they are usually a similar power rating to an iron, so not much difference in cost when you weigh up having the heating on to dry clothes plus the cost of ironing.