I don't want to talk to you

[becstargazeypie]

Sometimes I don't want to talk to people. At work my phone rings constantly, e-mails constantly, people hovering next to my desk waiting for me to finish my call so they can talk to me. Then home and listening to DS' latest Star-Wars-related insight related at machine gun speed (I have a very, very talkative child), and DH's crappy day, and then sleep, wake up, pick up the voicemails that came in overnight, and do it all again. Possibly with a bunch of phonecalls from family members thrown in, while my dinner goes cold.

Then every now and then there's a moment, a little oasis of time where I'm expecting to have a bit of peace - DS is having his swimming lesson or playing football, or I'm walking to school to pick him up... These are the only moments where I am likely not to have anyone talking to me and asking me for stuff - And ALWAYS a mum/other carer of kid comes and talks to me. I try to give 'I don't dislike you but please can I just have a moment's peace' type signals but they clearly don't work because they are interpreted as 'I am longing for someone to talk to, and what I would particularly welcome is some competitive comparisons of our child's achievements or some advice on what I should be doing, because my lifestyle is not sufficiently time-consuming'. This isn't aimed at SAHMs at all - the four worst offenders for this that I regularly come across include two grandmothers and one childminder. I suspect most SAHMs are also longing for a bit of peace...

AIBU? Are you all dying for a chat and I'm the only one who just wants to be left to stare into the middle distance for a bit? I occasionally notice comments on MN about mums who are snooty at the school gates, or who 'blank' someone and I think "I wonder if they think that about me" and then I think "No, they can't do, because I have never successfully blanked anyone, even if I am dying, just dying, for a moment where no-one is talking to me." Is that totally unreasonable of me? I'm honestly just asking.

YANBU to not want to speak to people. Nothing wrong with being anti social. It isn't a crime.

Trouble is, there are just as many mums in the playground who are desperate for their one and only chance of social interaction each day as there are those who just want ten minutes peace whilst they're standing there waiting.

YANBU to want some quiet time, that's perfectly reasonable.

But, YAB a bit U to expect other people to know that you feel like this - a lot of the time, they might think that they're being friendly and stopping you from feeling bored, left out and so on. Especially if it looks like you're just staring into the middle distance.

Although the grandma who wanted you to remove your headphones so she could chat sounds a bit much.

Could you try bringing a document that looks like it might be work related, and stare absently at that? Then, if she interrupts your quiet time, say something like "I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I need to read this terribly important and complicated work thingy before work tomorrow and this is the only chance I'll have to do it"

Yes, that grandma is a bit much. I'm going to change the time of DS activity - move him to another slot so that I can escape her. It's a shame for DS but I just can't stand it, she's driving me nuts every Saturday morning - and my Saturday mornings are precious.

I think if I had a work document, or was pretending to be on a phonecall - well, to keep that up for any length of time would be quite hard work. And I do just want to look into the middle distance, I don't want to be distracted from my aloneness - which a book, a podcast, or a subterfuge of being busy does. I want to be completely empty and alone for a few minutes. It seems to be impossible to communicate that without communicating something bad about the person speaking to me though, doesn't it?

That grandmother would have gotten a and 'sorry, can't talk' while putting my ear buds back in.

Rude? Perhaps. But so was she.

Just because you want to talk to me, does not mean I have to talk to you.

YANBU. You could try "sorry, I'm meditating". What if you sit with headphones in and your eyes closed?

You are not being at all unreasonable. I'm an introvert (as in, I get more stimulus from internal processes and thoughts than an extrovert does, an extrovert getting more of their energy from external stimulus). I love social interaction and I love people, I just don't need AS MUCH interaction as others, and i badly need time away from people to recharge my batteries (unlike my extrovert friends who need time WITH people to recharge theirs). In a group I'm rarely the one that talks the most (although get me onto something I REALLY want to talk about and you won't shut me up! I also find visitors hard work, for example, if they want to talk all the time.

It sounds like you are similar to me. The way of the introvert is becoming more understood recently - if you search google there was a guardian piece or two about it in the last few months, and there was a famous piece in one of the US journals, NY times or Washington Post or similar, a few years ago too, that you might find interesting. You're completely normal and there are lots of us! There are lots of strategies you can use to cope with living in an extrovert world, but recognising that your needs are different to those of the extrovert is, I think, half the battle.

The bit about "blanking" people strikes a major chord with me too. Another characteristic of introverts is that we don't show every emotion, and can be seen as hard to read. It doesn't mean that we're not thinking or feeling those emotions, just that we don't show every last thought that crosses our minds! I've had to work with this though and modify my behaviour for at work, because some people struggled with it and thought I wasn't listening or interested, whereas in fact I am deeply interested and listening very hard, so although it doesn't come naturally to me I now do thinks like nodding, making noises of affirmation etc.

I hope this is helpful - it's a really interesting point to raise. There's a book called "Quiet! The power of the introvert in a world that won't stop talking" that you might also find fits your situation well. It can be incredibly stressful being an introvert around extroverts (and vice versa!) but I've found that the more I learn about other peoples' personality preferences and needs, the easier it gets.

Definitely not being unreasonable... we all need downtime. I swim a lot and am always getting people swimming alongside me wanting to chat. I'm plugged into an MP3 and definitely don't want to... I so understand where you're coming from, OP.

I know the feeling. I had book fail the other day, even as I tried to carry on reading as it was a gripping book but a woman just had to talk to me. I do love socialising but sometimes just can't.

My ds is a teen now so doesn't need me to attend his activities and I've just discovered a 10min window a few times a week where I get home, mange a and just sit by the open window listening to nothing, pure bliss.

I might use the headphone tip but pretend I'm learning a forrin language if anyone gets close.

Ha! I turn up for pick up late and drop off early for this reason, if plan A backfires I drop the shoulder and pick up the pace while typing furiously on my phone .... people usually get the message.

YANBU to want to be left alone, at all - but I don't know how you would communicate this to people. As others have said, people can't mind read... and actually, there have been threads here from mums who have been dying to be included in conversations etc at school gates and wonder why no one will start a conversation with them. And you might find overtures from people irritating... but they are just being friendly, really.

I don't think cultivating a 'fuck off' vibe is very friendly or adult, really.

I think a book can help (although someone might use that as a conversational 'in'....) - but really I think the challenge is to come up with a sentence that you can use to protect yourself without verbally bitch slapping someone who might just be being inclusive and friendly.

'I'm really sorry, I'm a bit out of it - I've spent all day dealing with people, it's been pretty nonstop - I'm running on empty now. I don't want to be rude but I'm just going to sit here and zone out for a few moments, and get myself back together again. I just can't string a sentence together at the moment.'

that but shorter, if you can.

Yanbu. I'l be friendly to everybody but I'm another introvert that needs to switch off at times. I go swimming for space between work and home but people always swim in the exact same spot as me so I've got to swim around them. Trying to relax in the jacuzzi is nuts when it's full of middle aged lonely divorced men who go there to meet somebody which I can understand but they gawp, ask 20 questions and want to tell me their life stories. They assume any lone female is there for company not for alone time. I've tried dropping hints and giving off 'leave me alone' signals but they're thick skinned. I've thought about cancelling my membership a few times.

I completely understand - I am an introvert and need a LOT of time alone otherwise I get really stressed and cranky. 2 of my dcs are the same so it would work well in our house were it not for extrovert dc3 who likes to be with people all the time and say the same thing in a hundred different ways. I feel spoilt now though as I can be alone while the dcs are at school and DH at work - I don't know how I would cope with a job that involved talking to people all day.

I have many strategies to avoid talking to people including walking around the block if I'm early for school pick-up so that I arrive just as they pour out, and locking myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes on Sunday afternoons when I really need them all to go back to school/work.

So, no YANBU, and do whatever works to avoid the talkers!

PS I am also an introvert - I desperately need time on my own and am lucky enough to have a job now where I have exactly that.

I don't think that being an introvert makes it ok to be rude to people though. Not deliberately.

I think it is reasonable and polite to have some 'graded' responses ready for unwanted overtures - so you have somewhere to go if someone doesn't respond to something as clear as 'Sorry, I'm really tired and can't string a sentence together - do you mind if I just sit by myself? It's really nice of you to say hello but I just need to sit quietly while I gather my thoughts/get my head back together.'

If someone keeps yapping at you after that - well, you've been polite and clear. Tell them you have a headache and you really just need some peace and quiet. If that doesn't work (they will probably offer you a paracetamol and start talking about their own headaches) then say 'it's really nice to see you but I'm just going over there because I'm really too tired to talk to anyone.'

If they follow you, say 'I'm sorry, I don't want to talk to anyone'.

Knowing you have prepared responses stops you worrying about how to handle things. And I wouldn't go for the 'I don't want to talk to anyone' line as a first response because it's just mean to someone who might, however wrongly, be thinking you might be lonely, and trying to be friendly.

Try 'Hi, sorry, can't talk now' with a big smile, and walk away. That will deal with anyone who is genuinely trying to be friendly to you because you look lost or lonely. Anyone who follows you and keeps talking is fair game for firmer measures: try 'Excuse me, but I can't talk right now, I'm working something out.'

And if that doesn't work, it is not unreasonable to drop the smile, look them in the eye and say 'I have told you, politely, that I don't want to talk to you. Please go away.'

I love my moments of peace but I am no introvert!!

I switch off the house phone permanantly and only look at my mobile before a school run to check messages from parents (I childmind). And when my own children are out I speak to non-one, do not have anything on (music or tv) and love just sitting or reading.

If someone speaks to me and I don't want to talk I just smile and look away - no need for rudeness - or say "right i have to go" and move somewhere else :)

I have that book Secondsop - it's very good.

I like 'Hi, sorry, can't talk now.' - thanks for that solidgoldbrass. I'm pretty sure that any of the 'I need space' or 'I can't talk because I've had a hell of a day' type things would lead to 'Oh dear, what's wrong?' followed by lots more advice. I get an awful lot of advice.

I think headphones, avoidance of the particularly rude grandma and 'Hi, sorry, can't talk now' is going to be my standby.

I'm relieved that a few people feel the same way. I often read on MN people saying 'anyway she blanked me at the school gates the next day' or 'she's one of those snooty mums who never talks to anyone'. I just feel like I've already got far too many people talking to me all day long and I need a break from it.