If you take the time to read this, bless you!
Mum and Dad broke up after 2 years, he left when I was 6 months. For some reason around the age of 4, I refused to see him. I would scream at the top of my lungs if mum took me to see him, or if he called. When I was 11, Mum encouraged me to write to my dad, and eventually we started seeing each other. Dad thinks the reason I stopped seeing him, is because "my mother is a slag, had more dick than hot dinners etc" and if I didn't go to see him, Mum wouldnt have a new boyfriend. He continued to say such things about y Mum,not hesitating to tell me when I was 16, that my mum was such a slag, he doesnt even know if Im his daughter. My mum isnt an angel, but i beleive her when she says there is no element of truth in this.
For some reason I think its relevent to add that my mother would threaten to send me to live at my dads (who lived a good 2 hours away) as a punishment if I did something wrong.
Dad told me Id be pregnant at 14, that id follow in the footsteps of my mother. He tells me now (im 20) that i would be such a BETTER person if id been bought up by him.
Funnily enough, I did follow in the footsteps of my mother, I got pregnant at 18, and didnt know who the dad was. I now have a 10 month old daughter who I love dearly.
He tells me he expected no more, that I only did it for the free flat and benefits. He is clearly ashamed of me, and doesnt hide it. The main time I see him, is when he wants me to get him some weed. He also visits a friend of mine to get his drugs, which is a 15 minute drive away, but doesnt tell me he is near, or doesnt suggest meeting with me whilst he is down. I have to find out from my friend, that he came down.
I have no contact with anyone on his side of the family apart from him. Since getting pregnant my step mum has taken a sudden dislike to me. My dad has told me that she gives him s* for seeing me, and that sometimes he doesnt see me, to keep her happy. I would like to see my grandparents (its been 2 and a half years) so they can meet their great grand daughter, but my dad appears very reluctant to help this get put into place.
He upsets me more than he makes me happy. He says horrible horrible things, about me and my mother. My partner, told me my daughter will be pregnant by the age of 12 because this is the way of the world now. He is so NEGATIVE. Ive recently been accepted for group therapy to help me deal with Bipolar. He told me Im too mollycoddled. He didnt even ask me why I needed it, let alone ask me about my feeling for it.
What do I do? He is the other half of me, and the only connection to a whole other family. He made a new years resolution to come see me and my daughter once a month (like it was some kind of chore) he failed at February and has seen me 3 times this year.
He tells me I should make more of an effort. I ask myself if I even want to.
I cant approach my dad about anything, his negativity and blunt comments are something I can no longer digest, I just want him to love me.
I spent a week drawing a picture of a baby girls fist holding onto her daddys finger. It was a beautiful sketch. I would like to think hes put it in a frame on the surface, although the harsh reality is that its shoved away in the car somewhere. I had a step dad who was with my mum for 7 years, and even after they broke up, he was still my Dad. I regret giving this picture to the wrong dad. I just thought the picture symbolised something. He didnt see it obviously!!
Its REALLY getting me down now. Im thinking of cutting off contact, because it will be easier than the confrontation with him about my feelings.
:'( Im so sad right now. Any words of encouragement will be appreciated. Thankyou for taking the time to read this. xx