Petrol money

[mimmum]

We went on a holiday this summer and my Mum came with, we drove to Cornwall and all went together in one car, it was a squeeze, as my mum doesn't like to drive long distances. We shared costs equally between us. My mum is quite well off and we do struggle slightly with money but are doing fine overall. My Mum is generous with gifts at random times which is really nice but we don't count on it when we budget IKWIM. Well we spent more than£200 on petrol, when we asked her to make a contribution to petrol she got v upset, then later she told me she had done a straw poll of her friends who said it was v low of us to ask for petrol contribution. She said she was going to give us v generous x-mad pressie so we were silly to ask for this. Well AIBU?

Ok so maybe you could have mentioned the petrol when you said you would go to Cornwall for your mum?

i don't understand why petrol is any different to the other holiday costs. so you'd pay the cottage cost, all the food and entertainment and not ask for any contribution because it was 'bad form'? And just hope they realise it might be good to contribute? or is it just asking for petrol money that's 'bad form'?

we ended up being stitched up for food on a holiday once. went with another couple and they happily eat all our food, but never once volunteered to cough any money up or buy any. I think its extremely rude. learnt lesson the hard way. though obviously relationship with mother is different.

Unless her being in the car actually caused you to use more petrol, then no, I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my mum to contribute.
Conversely, if I'd been asked by someone else I don't think I'd refuse either, certainly not on the grounds that I was planning a particularly nice Christmas present for them . How bizarre!
Difficult one.

She sounds a bit controlling, making out that presents negate all other responsibilites. I assume you're not 8 years old.

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable, especially as you shared costs equally all the way through. Had she gone to Cornwall by herself, then she would have paid travel costs. Also, petrol is not cheap nowadays, and 200 pounds is alot of money. I think it is irrelevant whether she is going to give you a generous Christmas present - thats several months away, and unrelated to the holiday. Petrol is one part of the holiday expenditure so should be shared.

We split cost of cottage by bedrooms we used 2 and she used 1. We paid for some meals and she paid for others I think that all worked out fairly. Wow this sharing costs is such a minefield. We'll be much more careful next time, if there is one!

If you were all travelling together to keep costs down then I don't think YABU to think the petrol was being included in the sharing of costs.

It would have been better to have discussed the whole petrol thing before going though to avoid confusion.

YANBU

No offensive but I think you are both being unreasonable.

You for asking because I would never ask family for petrol money, especially if I was going anyway.

Her for not offering and then straw polling her friends about it.

I wonder about other peoples relationships sometimes its interesting though.

Mine would offer, I would say no. When we got there, in replacement they would probably say oh we'll pay for this and that instead, and I would say okay thanks :) that's more normal imo.

YANBU to ask.
SWBU to get uptight about it, especially as -

it was a bit of a squeeze in the car
you only went to Cornwall because she wanted to go
she's quite well off.

Giving a generous christmas present instead of paying your way is bad form.

YADNBU petrol prices are ridiculously high. In what way would a generous gift help with petrol costs? An extra person in a car would use more fuel.
She was very U not to offer.

Blimey. If I was your mum and had the money I would pay my share if I was asked, on the basis that you wouldn't ask unless you needed the money.

But people are different. Some people feel embarrassed NOT to pay and some are always skipping off to the loo or forgetting their wallet at the critical moment. Only the OP knows what her family is like in this respect.

I'm really surprised at some of the responses. I don't think you were unreasonable at all to ask. Although it would have been better to broach it beforehand from a mother-management perspective, I don't think it was unreasonable not to do so, because I don't think someone should have expected to be driven on such a long journey on a shared-costs holiday without OFFERING a petrol contribution.

I also don't get this "I would never ask family for petrol money" business. I get it for, eg, lifts around town, but for a holiday to/from Cornwall where all other costs are shared and where the actual cost of petrol is £200?! Why is petrol seen as a special cost unlike any other and borne by the poor sods who happen to be the drivers (and I note they seem to have done all the driving too, if I've understood it correctly?). I think it's unreasonable of your mother to have expected a free trip down and especially unreasonable of her to have bitched to her friends about it and got snippy with you.

I also don't really see the relevance of the fact that you were going there anyway. Whilst the costs of having an extra person in the car are marginal, it made the journey more squashy for you and yours, plus you did her a favour by doing the driving. The fact that you would incur a high petrol cost anyway doesn't, in my view, mean that you shouldn't be able to share that cost when you share your car space. I see it as the other way round - you're saving the other person money as they would otherwise have to drive themselves down or bear the cost of the train. Why should they get the benefit of being driven down without passing on any of that cost-saving to the people driving them?

I think you should have brought it up beforehand - I can understand her being a bit upset with it being mentioned after the fact, when it sounds as if she thought it was a present like she gives you, and it turns out it wasn't.

this is very unusual for me but im certain i cant decide with regard to this if yabu or not.

i personally would never ask for a petrol contribution in these circumstances if i were the driver but if i was the passenger i would allways offer hence why my mind is boggled.

I wouldn't ask my mum for money. Having said that I wouldn't need to, she'd probably insist on paying the lot and I'd have to fight her not to.

If generous Xmas present is a nice fat cheque fine.
If it's costly, but something you need then YANBU.

DSIS and Me are always buying meals, doing on trip in her car one in mine etc. to ensure petrol costs of our girlly shopping trips are shared.

Well, if you took her on a holiday you would not otherwise have chosen for her sake, and you split the cost of the cottage, why not also split the cost of transport?

She was unreasonable to "air family laundry" with her friends.

My parents would have insisted on paying all the petrol money.
YANBU to ask, would BU to expect.

I can imagine the conversation with her friends.

Mum: "Do you know, I've just been down to Cornwall with my daughter and she had the nerve to ask for petrol money!"

Friend 1 - a driver: "Well, petrol's awfully expensive. What did that cost, £200 or so?"

Friend 2 - a driver: "Sounds reasonable to me, but didn't you decide on it beforehand?"

Friend 3 - a non driver with a bus pass: "Bloody cheek! She can't think much of you!"

Mum: "You're right, Friend 3, she's always been awfully cruel to me..."