..to feel angry that such things (re bad fathers) are accepted in the 21st century

[Punkatheart]

Some people know me here, although I don't post very much as I am not in a great place - physically or emotionally still.

Short version: ex left us in July 2011. Six weeks of non contact, getting through our money, off the rails etc. My daughter suffered most - very serious health concerns when she was fainting and had to have a cardiac consultation. She also wrote a suicide note.

It has been horrible and nasty, particularly now with my mother-in-law who blames me for the fact that our daughter wants nothing to do with her father.

But he has not shown concern for his daughter, not contacted her or even called me to see how she is...knowing her problems, being previously told how difficult she finds things.

When people ask and I tell them the situation, so many people say 'Well men can do that..detach.' Or 'Fathers can dump families and move on without looking back.'

Really? Is that accepted? Why do we (some of us) shrug our shoulders and say that it happens, it's OK?

Maybe your MIL accepts it because he's her son and sounds like she did a pretty rubbish job of bringing him up.

So sorry to hear the rest of your story though and really hope you and your daughter get to a good place soon.

And YANBU it is not acceptable behaviour.

I've lived abroad quite a bit, and my take on it is that a lot of British men are accepted to be badly behaved. I don't know if anyone else thinks that, but they seem to be almost tolerated here.

Sorry that you are in the same situation, Seventh. Hopefully the next generation won't accept this....my daughter has already expressed a strong sense of morality and loyalty for her family - even though she hasn't got her own yet. I am proud of that.

Harsh, but yes.

I do think men can 'detach' and dump their children without a second thought.

My ex did it as soon as he got a new girlfriend, and I've come across other 'men' who've also done it.

It's cuntish behaviour, but men do seem to be wired differently.

I don't think people are saying it's ok, they are acknowledging it happens.

He knows you will look after your dd. That gives him the freedom to do this.

Whether your dd wanted to see her father would only be relevant if he was attempting to see her. Ask you mil why he, as the adult in this situation, does not want to see his daughter.

Then ignore her.

It's a sad fact of modern life. It is socially acceptable for a father not to be involved in a child's life, but a mother who distances herself this way is slammed for being a bad mother.

Personally, I refuse to let that happen. I have been branded a nag, a gold-digger and worse for constantly telling asking my XP to be involved in our son's life. And I have, many times, considered handing DS to his father and saying "Right. Your turn. See you in two years." Don't think I'd actually do it, but some days it's very tempting.

I believe the only reason this is accepted is because women accept it. If every lone mother put her foot down and said "I am not tolerating this any more", these pathetic excuses for men would have to step up. We just have to realise that we have that power.

And, you know..."See you in two years"

Saying it happens and it's OK are two different things though.

I doubt the woman meant it was OK.

ThreeEdged No-one can force a parent to see their child.

It doesn't work like that and ultimately it's certainly not what's best for the child involved.

People aren't saying its ok, just recognising that it happens.

For the record, not all Fathers could walk away without looking back.

I know it's not as common, but women do 'dump' their families without looking back. Please don't lose hope in men just because of one bad egg.

And I don't think it's socially acceptable for a man to leave his family. Every time there's ever been a mention of men leaving their families in my social circle, the men have been just as appalled as any of the women. I think it just depends upon the individuals culture.

No - I don't think all men are like this.....I know enough good 'uns. I suppose it was shock that a kind, loving man of 20 years could have such a personality transplant.

Yes I do know a woman who left her family - five children. The adolescent daughter went through hell and used to come to my house and cry. She was bullied at school and when she tried to see her mother, the mother took out a restraining order against her - which shocked me more.

To me a parent is a parent and the bond is irreplaceable....