...to expect my BF to replace what he borrowed?

[WineGoggles]

I lent my BF 2 roofrack straps which unfortunately he then accidentally because he didn't engage his brain and check (he tends to get lost in his own head) left in a vehicle which he sold. He sheepishly told me and although I was irritated it's no big deal really as I don't need them at the moment. But what pissed me off is that instead of automatically replacing them he told me he'd replace them if I ever needed some, i.e. sometime in the future, maybe. Now, I was brought up that if you borrow something you return it in the same condition, if you lose or break it you replace it. An added problem is that he's just become unemployed so I feel a bit bad asking him to spend £15ish on this; it was an accident, I don't presently need them, and I can afford to buy some myself. But it's the principle, and his attitude has pissed me off. What do you think.

Just buy them yourself.

£15? After reading the title I thought it was something that had cost hundreds of pounds!

Do you keep a running total about all the other aspects of your relationship too?

Do agree with the principle,but given your BF's current circumstances it seems a bit unfair to enforce this when you don't need them right now. If you can afford to replace them then do so, but with the proviso that he pays you back once he's working again?

Leave the bastard, clearly :o

OK, thanks. I was thinking to myself oh FFS Wine, just buy them yourself but was concerned that because it's a principle I feel strongly about it may keep niggling away at me. It was his attitude that peed me off, and I have history of bottling things up and it's something I'm trying to address. In a weird way if the items were a lot more expensive I wouldn't expect him to replace them until he'd got a job, but these aren't a lot and he did get a few hundred from the sale of the vehicle. He has since bought himself things that were luxury rather than necessities so that doesn't help. Plus it comes after I've spent the past year playing "hostess" to him when he's visited every weekend (it was straight from his work so wasn't costing him any more time or money to do this than for him to go home, and he preferred to visit me as he prefers where I live), where I bought all the food and drink, did all the cooking, came up with all the ideas of what we could do, while he did nothing. It never once occurred to him to bring a bottle of wine, or to help with the washing up. So I suppose there's more to it than just a couple of roofrack straps

YABU to write an AIBU which is clearly nothing to do with the real issue.

Does he really contribute nothing to the weekends that he spends with you? He doesn't bring any groceries or wine, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't wash up, doesn't make the bed, doesn't clear the table, dispenses with your roof rack straps, doesn't do any cooking, doesn't make any tea, doesn't ......

Does he ever buy a present for you - even a bunch of flowers? He recently sold a car and didn't offer anything?

When If you have children, will he change nappies? Not by the sound of it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Rule, he puts the loo seat down, makes the occasional cup of tea, makes me laugh, and is affectionate. He now does the washing up (quite happily) because I ask him to, but I find it doesn't occur to him do do things unless he's told and I just wish he would use his initiative. He definitly has a tendency to live with his head in the clouds, and I think I cut him too much slack for that, but it is getting me down now. Thankfully children are not on the cards (I'm mid 40s) and I'm not bothered about marriage or cohabiting. The only time I got flowers was when I got really pissed off with him and he was obviously trying to get into my good books cheer me up. I've recently had some CBT counselling and was told we've fallen into "roles"; him being the guest (who doesn't need to do anything) and me being "super hostess". Got to have a chat with him I think but I hate confrontation (another of my issues).

As others have said the car straps thing is not the real issue.
You are providing a cocklodger hotel service and he should be paying you for that.

Roof straps aside, are you happy in your relationship?

When DH and I dated we went to each others homes or a night away, shared cooking (we both like it), would mostly turn up with wine, pudding, new dvd and sweets etc if going to the others to stay for the weekend. If we were both due home around the smae time we would meet off the train and go to M&S or tesco together and choose stuff for dinner.

This gave us a good even distribution and it made us closer, no one felt taken advantage of etc.

I was in a very similar 'relationship', OP, sadly I hadn't discovered MN at that stage so wasn't familiar with the term cocklodger.

It was one of the reasons we split up, his seeming inability to assist in any domestic activities at my house plus I was invited to his place less than a handful of times in return. (Mind you, he still took his washing home to his mum at the age of 43 so not sure what I expected...)

Looking back, I did facilitate this behaviour for a lot longer than I should have so ask yourself how you can change the situation if you want to stay together.

Eg don't make your home so available, don't always have food in when he does come round, tell him that you would like to visit his place one weekend as it would be a nice 'break' etc etc.