to expect my dcs to be a bit more responsible by now?

[queenofmeringue]

DCs are 11,9,7. The eldest is not too bad anymore but still seems to need me to find everything for her all the time - school books, items of clothing, general crap. The younger 2 are AWFUL - DS(9) remembers his homework in the mornings only about 50% of the time, despite having a checklist on the fridge and consequences from the teacher. He also forgets his lunch quite a lot (then school give him a hot lunch and I get the bill) and when he does remember his packed lunch he leaves the box at school. DD2(7) has left her bike in someone else's garden 3 times in the last week, and recently lost 2 pairs of shoes.

AIBU to think that I shouldn't have to nag them constantly about everything they are supposed to do/remember? It doesn't work anyway and I want them to be more independent.

YANBU.

DS is 8 and only now takes full responsibility for his homework. Only now does he know to get himself into the shower and brush his teeth in the morning without being told. He's not daft but sometimes I wanted to scream into a pillow, you brush your teeth every flipping morning! Why would this morning be any different!?

I found making a massive fuss about what he did do by using his common sense got us more than whinging about what he didn't. He lapped up the praise and now comes home, gets changed into play clothes, folds his school stuff and gives me what needs washing then does his homework before playing. These changes in behavior are recent though, only the last month, so we'll see if it lasts!

YANBU. I feel like I am constantly reminding my older 2 about lunchboxes, bus money etc. (mine are 8/11/3). I would be at getting billed for a school lunch.

Was musing on this exact same subject with a friend over coffee this very morning. Mine is 9 and she was OK briefly for about 3 months around last Easter-time and then it all went to pot again..despite my constant nagging. Friend says her two (11 yrs and 8yrs) are exactly the same ....

[sigh]

Will watch with interest

YABU because children are not "responsible" for ages yet! Even friends with teens older than mine moan about the same stuff!

I have been telling my two "brush your teeth" every night before bed for the past 13 years and they still dont do it unless I actually say it!

Yep, they could easily "forget" to brush their teeth - in fact last time we left them with a babysitter I could see the toothbrushes had not been used and DD1 admitted it later.

DS has also started "forgetting" to wear underwear - it took me over a week to notice that there hadn't been any in the wash. I did wonder if he'd been wearing the same underwear all that time (bleurgh).

It's hard to let them take the consequences when I can easily run after them with their luch etc, but I can't do that forever!

hey mine are 20,18 an 16 ( an 7 ) and Im still trying to keep them on track :o

You need to tell the school not to give him a meal. When he has gone hungry a few times he will amazingly start remembering his lunch!
Don't take the lunch up to the school either.
Tell him in advance that these changes will be happening and most importantly, stick to it.

When you have the lunch issue sorted you can start to work on the next thing.

YABU I think. From a developmental point of view, even at age 11 children don't have a great grasp of time. They can tell time, and talk about the past and future but in terms of planning their time and keeping track of tasks, they aren't quite there yet. In things like exams they just can't cope with the time constraints, for example, which is one of the many things that makes me think the SATs are a complete waste of time. They just don't have the mental sophistication to be able to say "Ok, this is taking too long, I need to move on" or "I need to start this now, or else I won't get it done on time." Their thinking is still very one-track and they're easily distracted so planning ahead and ensuring tasks are done is a bit beyond them.

7 year old still needs full-on parenting - you are her organiser for the moment. 9 year old could probably cope with one task he has to do every morning but will need reminding for about 6 months. You need to start with a complete reminder - "Brush your teeth" and then slowly reduce the reminder - "What do you need to do now?" "Have you done your teeth?" until he's doing it himself.

11 year old needs help to organise looking for things in good time. So maybe a list of things she needs to have ready for school that she has to sort out in the evening. No coming and asking where it is unless she's had a good look for it first. Fixed places for important things etc.

I agree with your reasoning Hermione but no school would let a child go hungry, duty of care. OP are you in a position where the school could ring you and to drop off his lunch? Perhaps agree no school dinner but they are to ring you to bring it in? At that age I'd have been mortified by my Ma coming into the lunch hall with my dinner.

That's a real shame PunkInDublic as over here (NZ) it could be done and I think the child would then be really motivated to remember.

I agree HermioneHatesHoovering, I dare say it would only happen once. Apologies though, didn't engage brain to think you might not be in UK.

ho hum... Ds1 is 19 and is still like this

We are not in UK. School would phone me if DS asked, but he wouldn't be embarrassed in the slightest by me coming into school.

I am lucky my 14YO and 16YO are usually pretty organised, however DD2 has still managed to lose a pair of trainers this week.

YANBU - mine learned from a really early age that if it was swimming that day then they had to remember to take their kit. Otherwise they wouldn't be going. Same with everything else. I've got large family, DH, job, crap organisational skills for stuff I'm bored by, etc. You want to eat at lunchtime my dearie? Then take your lunch with you. Anything outgrown I pay for: Anything lost you pay for! I stop pocket money for lost items. I can barely organise my own life, never mind anyone else's. By 11 & 9 I would certainly not expect you to helplessly want Mummy to do it all for you. Don't nag - just let them know that they need to remember to organise the things they need or accept the consequences if they don't.

I agree sowornout but need tips - I've taken dd's bike away for a week before because she kept forgetting to bring it home but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I guess she would get a shock if it was stolen but that's a bit drastic.

Hmm..ok, do my best. Tips for 7 yo DD. I think I would just ignore the bike thing, TBH. If friend calls round for her to go out on bike/she wants to ride bike well....if it's somewhere else she can't, can she? Just leave it where it is. I wouldn't stress about where the bike is. If she asks just say vaguely , 'Dunno....where did you leave it?'. If parent rings you to say 'can you collect dds bike' I would go fetch it and then charge her for delivery, lol. If it costs you £2 of your pocket money every time Ma has to fetch your bike presumably you will begin to remember to bring it home.

Thanks, at least that puts the responsibility more onto DD. Still worried the bike will disappear though. Right, next week at school lunch and swimming bags etc will be their own problems.

Sorry. Mine are 13 and 11 (and 21). My 11 year old can't (won't) remember anything. 13 year old better but a girl so slightly more mature and only since going to secondary school.

Good luck queenofmeringue. I guess if you are worried bike will disappear you could simply collect it every time she arrives home having left it somewhere and apply the collection fee .

I used to fine my SD for not doing teeth/washing face/putting on deodorant. She soon started to remember.

What about a list of things to do and they can tick them when they are done? If they tick but the task is not done, they will bear the consequences. For instance, if they leave their dirty clothes on the floor, don't launder them. Their friends will soon tell them when they smell by sending them to Coventry.

They have a list on the fridge for mornings - homework book, teeth, hair, etc, and also their timetables so they know which days they have PE/swimming. I still help dd2 to read the timetable then she's supposed to get everything herself. DS is the worst in the mornings - doesn't even know what day it is half the time.

DD1 is supposed to be in bed by 8 - it's early but she has to get up at 6. She would always wait until I told her and try to get a few more minutes so I said she is responsible for checking the time and every minute late will be a minute earlier to bed tomorrow!

Ha! I knew you could do it! Tough love, baby, tough love . I tell myself it's because I want them to be independent, but really it's because I'm too idle/tired to sort it myself. They'll thank me one day (evil laugh)....

"so I said she is responsible for checking the time and every minute late will be a minute earlier to bed tomorrow!".

Ooh no it needs to be 2 minutes earlier to bed for every minute late, that will sort her out!