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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Maybe not so much AIBU as AIB mean....

19 replies

bitweepy · 12/09/2012 19:58

This may be long, so bear with... DH has cousin in another European country who has a DD aged nearly 12. Cousin's family bit dysfunctional and the DD not very well cared for - nothing specific, more just a general lack of care/concern for her well-being. The DD's grandmother (ie my DH's aunt) comes over each year to visit her own mother for 10 days or so - the aunt's mother is quite protective of her time with her daughter (the aunt) and pretty much insists on having her to herself, ie without the grand-daughter, for pretty much all of the visit. For the last two years, the aunt has brought her grand-daughter over who has come to stay with us for a few days as my DD (other girl's 2nd cousin) is similar age. The first year was fine, the girls got on very well and were together for most of the October half-term. Last year was also fine but as my DD had just started secondary school, I asked if we make the visit slightly shorter - this was OK, although I am aware that it did then cause a few logistical problems since the 2nd cousin had to be got to and from me and other family members had her with them for a few days due to the aunt's mother's insistence on being alone with her daughter for most of the trip.

Hope you are still with me, nearly at the point of all this..

Anyway, I have now been asked if we could do the same this year and if so, how much time we could have the other girl. Because of other commitments and my own DD's wish to see other friends (language barrier means that other girl not good in a group), I have said 3 days/3 nights is what we can manage. I was aware as I said this that it does cause a logistical problem and leaves the other girl "floating round" various family members - the grandmother has now said that that causes too many difficulties and is not going to bring the other girl at all. My question is am I being mean to a little girl who needs a bit of care and concern, or is my offer reasonable and it's then up to the girl's grandmother to make a decision?

OP posts:

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 12/09/2012 20:01

I would feel mean TBH and would try and have her

you are not the mean one in this scenario though, the family are! but I would try and have the girl I think

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 12/09/2012 20:02

(I know you said you will for part of it, but I would for as much as I could)

QOD · 12/09/2012 20:10

I don't know. Its tough on your DD, shame the girl can't just join in with DD and friends.

Breathoffreshair · 12/09/2012 20:12

I think you should do what you feel is right for your family and offer what you can manage. If you feel you can manage a longer stay then that might be nice but that doesn't make it your responsibility to ensure their entire stay is sorted.

Original poster

bitweepy · 12/09/2012 20:15

Thanks Lacking and QOD - I do actually feel mean but genuinely feel the offer I made was best for my DD, not me, IYSWIM. That said, my DD is a lucky, cared for girl, with parents who try to do their best for her, her 2nd cousin maybe not so.. so perhaps I should not have put her first on this occasion.... I fear that it may be too late now anyway, and if I go back with a better offer, it would not be possible for them to take me up on it and it would therefore be a hollow offer which only served to make me feel better about myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

bitweepy · 12/09/2012 20:18

X-post Breath - thank you, I suppose I do tend to feel responsible for all sorts of things which maybe I shouldn't, and to be fair to my in-laws, they haven't said anything about this to make me feel worse than I do of my own accord... maybe I should look at it another way and think IBU to expect them to arrange everything so that I can feel good about having the other girl for a few days of my choosing..

OP posts:

CaliforniaLeaving · 12/09/2012 21:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable they asked and you said 3 days and nights, if that isn't good enough then that is their problem.
If you have her more than you can feasibly look after her, your own Dd will start to resent her coming at all. You put your own child first.

squeakytoy · 12/09/2012 21:17

why does the great grandmother not want to see her own great granddaughter though?

Original poster

bitweepy · 12/09/2012 23:27

Thanks California, I do feel to an extent that I offered all I reasonably could and that if that wasn't enough, then it's not my fault entirely that the trip doesn't happen.

I do know that I could put pressure on my DD as in "you so lucky, this isn't much to ask" etc and she would agree to extending the visit (it's not that she has actually not agreed to do so, I haven't really explored it with her beyond a casual conversation about what she wanted to do at half-term), but I don't really think it's fair to do so.

As for family relationships and the great-grandmother, squeaky, I am afraid there isn't enough space in cyberspace to go into all that ...

OP posts:

deleted203 · 13/09/2012 02:26

I don't think you are being mean. You've kindly offered to have someone else's DD for 3 days and nights which is reasonable. If I've interpreted your post correctly she is a fairly distant relative whom you've met a couple of times in last 2 years. It's quite a strain having anyone else's child for more than this length of time, particularly if there is a language barrier. It is your DD's half term too and she quite rightly has friends/plans of her own. Don't see why she should sacrifice her whole week off for the convenience of Great-Granny-Can't-Be-Bothered.

Original poster

bitweepy · 13/09/2012 12:18

Thanks sowornout, that's helped me get a grip on the real issues... And thanks to others who responded - I feel less mean and horrible now and will just focus on making sure that we can have the other girl some time next year.

OP posts:

wellwisher · 13/09/2012 14:35

I think you are being mean and setting a bad example for your daughter. Have the poor kid to stay and try to help her pick up a bit of English while she's here.

TubbyDuffs · 13/09/2012 14:42

She will now be a year older than last time you had her and things may have changed, she may have better English and she may be a bit more confident in a group and therefore could hang out with your daughter and her friends. Are your daughter and her in contact at all during the year?

Could you make contact if not and gauge how she is.

I would probably take her in as I'd feel guilty otherwise, but I don't know that I'd be happy about it (bit of a martyr at times!).

deleted203 · 13/09/2012 15:29

wellwisher ever think of changing your username? That wasn't a terribly supportive or kind message!

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 13/09/2012 15:35

Yes, I'm afraid I think it's a bit mean too. Would you like your daughter to float around between random relatives when she could be having fun with a 2nd cousin her own age?

JennerOSity · 13/09/2012 15:42

Hmmm, tricky. She is hardly your responsibility and you are being put on the spot. But if your daughter were to take part in a school exchange programme the foreign student would probably be with you a week, albeit with other fellow foreign students around during school-time.

I don't think it would hurt to explain to your daughter that not everyone is as lucky as she and extending kindness and generosity to someone in need is no bad thing even if the rewards are oblique rather than obvious and instant.

Sometimes children get more out of each other when they have time to get to know one another (which is what they are doing as so much time passes between them seeing each other) while a brief liaison can be such a short exercise the real bonds don't happen and thus it is more of a chore IYSWIM.

I don't think you would be a bad person for not having her but you would certainly be being very kind if you did.

Original poster

bitweepy · 13/09/2012 17:34

Oh dear, a few more varied responses now, but fair enough I did ask... Thanks to all posters (even wellwisher !) you have all, collectively, come up with all the things I was thinking, both good and bad, and have given me food for thought about the example and lessons I want to set my DD, and how we manage this issue in future. It's too late now for this half-term anyway, as the aunt has told her GD that it can't be done this October and is now away on holiday for 10 days, but the issues remain the same and I need to think about how to make sure my DD and I put the other girl (my first-cousin-in-law once removed, I believe) first next time, since it is unusual in her life for anyone to put her first.

OP posts:

wellwisher · 13/09/2012 20:53

Sorry, posted in a bit of a rush so probably sounded harsher than I meant to! Just felt so sad when I read your description of the girl.

If she's in Europe, she's likely to be learning English at school, so maybe visits will get easier as time goes by. :)

DeWe · 13/09/2012 21:24

Even if her English has improved, unless all the dc involved are very sociable, I think expecting a "strange" (as in "not known" not "unusual") cousin to fit in with a group of girls who are friends from school could be potentially be problems.

The school friends may be all over the "new" girl, leaving your dd feeling left out. The school friends may resent the cousin "butting" (in their minds) in, and do things leaving your dd out. They may outwardly accept her in, but expect your dd to basically look after her all the time. Or they may say "yes it's fine for her to come" and just don't bother inviting your dd when they're going out. All of which have a potentially longer knock on effect for your dd.
It may be that they're all lovely and will accept her in for the time and nothing more will happen.

If it was a week of the summer holiday, then I'd say suck it up and cope. But when it's the whole half term, it doesn't give your dd any down time to be grumpy and relax on her own, and dental appointments/holiday work/hair cut...

I think offering 3 days and night (that's roughly half the week off) is perfectly fair enough. Maybe you could suggest that if they came in the summer holidays you could have her for longer? I don't think you're being mean at all.

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