AIBU to expect the good people of Stockholm to offer me (and my bump) a seat on public transport

[honeytea]

I am really not sure if I am bu, pre pregnancy I would offer my seat to anyone who looked like they needed a sit down, older people, small children pregnant people and obviously disabled people.

I'm 7 months pregnant and have an obvious bump, I work in Stockholm and travel on the tube and busses for around 3 hours a day. I carry heavy bags around full of teaching resources (slightly irrelevant) not once has someone offered me their seat, people often push past slow moving me to grab a vacant seat, occasionally I have had people gutting when I ask them to move their handbag/small dog/feet from a seat so I can sit down.

I know pregnancy is a choice and I'm not ill I'm just pregnant, I do have very painful hips and back by the middle of the day and when I'm standing feel like I'm about to wet myself constantly.

I wonder if it is like this in all countries? I am happy to accept I'm bu if that's the case.

Tutting not gutting

yanbu i would concider it to be very ill manored not to

fear of offending puts alot of people off asking.

i once asked a young women if she wanted a seat i honestly thought she was pregnant, but she wasn't turned out she had liver problem which made her look pregnant

I was offered a seat on a British rail train on my daily London commute ONCE, by a woman, who said to me as we both spotted the only spare seat "damn - I'm going to have to give you this seat aren't I?"

I did hear a story from my midwife though of a woman in a very hot carriage who threw up over a set of 3 men "determinedly reading their papers to avoid seeing the heavily pregnant woman". She did it before passing out, and came to on the platform, surrounded by sniggering women. Apparently the reactions were priceless!

It might be that they expect you to ask if you need one, if you don't, they assume you don't. Very upfront on the whole, the Swedish, aren't they?

I think you should just ask. If they say no (which is unlikely) you can spend the rest of your trip glaring right into their faces and muttering hexes in a strange tongue (English).

I commuted for two hours a day on London transport until a few days past my due date. I was always, always offered a seat. However, that doesn't seem to be the norm, from what I read on here.

Hehe at the vomiting woman, maybe I wouldn't be unreasonable to do a little wee on their shoes if its on the way home.

I don't tend to ask, I'm not sure of what the polite way to say it would be, the person sitting might need to sit down for their own reasons, maybe a nicely said "is there any chance I could sit there, I'm struggling with pain caused by my pregnancy"

The Swedes hate confrontation so they would stand up I'm sure. It's not just pregnant people they don't stand up for old people, even ones with sticks! I have a blind friend and he says it is the proudest city he has ever been to, apparently people will push past him and say nothing because he can't see them (he is Swedish so not biased!)

Rudest not proudest stupid phone!

I've found in London that people offer a seat only if I'm wearing my "Baby on Board" badge. Is there something like that in Stockholm? It's quite handy.

Otherwise, people are REALLY good at ignoring. It's quite shocking actually - I've got a big bump and I'd never miss someone like me - I used to give lots of seats to pregnant ladies with/ without badges!!

There are sadly no baby on board badges here, they are a great idea.

The irony is the Swedish people tend to stare, it's like they were never taught the staring is rude rule so it's not like they don't notice my bump!

Paris has a reputation of being a rude city; however, I once went there for a daytrip when pregnant and was offered a seat every time I used the Metro.

It's like that here in Amsterdam. With my first it was completely embarrassing how people would stare at their mobiles or their hands just to avoid having to "notice" me (I was, and am again, skinny with a big round preggo belly so it's not like there was any "Is she or isn't she?" doubt in their minds.)

Last week a man stood up for me on the tram. He was English!

It is interesting that in some cities people stand up and in others they don't. I wonder what the reason for that is?

YY, Parisians usually get up for pg women.
I've never had to stand when pg on public transport in Poland, either.

I think I need to move!

YABU

If you live in Sweden you should know that Swedish people would never offer a seat to someone who they think needs it more. This would be considered extremely rude and presumptious because you are passing judgment on someone else's capabilities and that is very bad manners.

You should also know that most Swedes are extremely polite and well mannered and will do anything to help anyone if asked. But you have to ask.

(Saying all that, I was in Götebörg the other day and I got very stabby on the trams because of all the pushing and shoving.)

I don't find people polite on the trains at all! I find the sweeds I know lovely once you get to know them well enough to be invited over for dinner but in public they push and ignore people who are obviously ïn need, once a man on the train collapsed and no one did anything, me an indian woman and a romany gypsy were trying to help him but the crowded train was silent apart from us, none of us spoke great Swedish so we were talking to him in English/finnish :( It really scared me because I felt like if I was ever in obvious need of help I would be ignored :(

My DP tells me that it is part of the eqaulity here, that it would be rude to stand up for an old person because they may be fit and well but I do think that asking is not harmful and the person can say no if they feel they can stand.

I agree you should ask if you need a seat. It's nice if people spontaneously offer, but if they don't, just ask.

I did once offer my (priority) seat on the Tube to a lady with a Baby-on-board badge, and she said no! Also I've been offered a seat when I wasn't pregnant, just a bit fat and wearing a loose-fitting blouse . Seems to me it's easier if people just ask.

Unfortunately you're applying one culture's social norms to another culture and judging accordingly. I understand that, I'm more in tune with British culture and find the Swedish way weird but it is the Swedish way and they do believe offering help without a request is extremely rude. It's a clash of cultures and you have to try and adapt to the culture you live in.

I remember when someone crashed into my car a few years ago. I was injured and trying to push my car to the side of the road myself as strapping men stood around just watching. I snapped and shouted for someone to f*ing help me. Immediately I was inundated with help. One guy actually said he thought I was mad trying to do it myself and wondered why I didn't just ask for help in the first place. Growing up in the UK, it never occured to me that I needed to.

I have never seen a person ask another person for a seat or for help in anyway. I do understand I live in a different culture, I enjoy meeting my DP from work because he works near an immigrant suburb and the train out to that part of the city is lovely, people talk to each other and the old people are allways sat down.

I think it's just my hormones making me feel a little vulnerable.

The most extream example of Swedish rudeness towards pregnant women I saw was when I went to an open evening at the hospital, there were about 50 couples and 10 seats, the 1st couples who arrived sat down and then when all the seats got filled up and more couples arived non of the men stood up, these men had pregnant wifes/girlfriends and they sat there for 20 mins with women ranging from 6-9 months pregnant standing all around them!

Unfortunately seems to be one of the side effects of living in quite a socialist country. It is assumed you are being taken off by someone else. I think if you asked you would get the response you want, but you would have to ask. Its like this in The Netherlands, and its not quite as socialist as Sweden!

Also I think its more the culture not to interfere and to respect a person's privacy - I don't get subjected to the unwanted comments from men in Holland that I do in the UK, unless its a very fleeting compliment, with no expectation from the giver. Which is rather refreshing actually!

Get yourself a "can I have a seat please" t-shirt printed. King size. In Swedish.

I take it you're talking about commuter trains in rush hour, where everyone is either just out of bed and barely awake before having to face work (90% of the time the last place on earth they would want to be!!). Or on their way home from work, tired, fed up dealing with other people and their issues/complaints, just want some peace and quiet, have some dinner and chill with a cold beer in the garden.
If you are in that much pain, you should consider buying one of those small foldable camping chairs. They are small enough to put in a rucksack.

Do people really wear "Baby on board" badges?

I thought they were just naff car stickers?