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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to expect family to check dates with you before booking a visit?

24 replies

oscarwilde · 12/09/2012 15:38

I don't see v much of my family as they live overseas, though only an hours flight away. It's been a particularly busy year and for many reasons (often their holiday plans) we haven't visited since Christmas. I am now in final trimester and can't. Got an email from my father at the weekend telling me they have booked flights to come for a week to visit.
We had discussed them visiting and they were humming and hawing about whether to come before or after DC2 is born but booked without as much as a text message to say "have you got plans". It's less than a week after my due date.....
My husband [English and v v polite] thinks this is incredibly rude and I'm livid that I'm stuck in the middle feeling like I should defend my parents inexcusable rudeness and b) that they've decided to come when I will either be in recovery from an ELCS with a newborn, or if the VBAC route in labour, or trying to have a few quiet days before or after the birth.
I feel I am being unreasonable to be this pissed off as my mum has been seriously ill and I am lucky that she is still around but I know that my DF has picked these dates as they are convenient for him.
My parents are not going to turn up and make themselves indispensible. They expected to be entertained, me to make conversation and my DH and I to do evening meals [my experience two weeks after DC1 was born by CS]. It will cause a major incident though if I ask them to change their flights - even if I offer to pay. I will be the worlds most brattish child. Tempted, really tempted though.:)

OP posts:

SirGOLDBoobs · 12/09/2012 15:42

No, YANBU. How bloody rude of them!!

Crinkle77 · 12/09/2012 15:45

I think you might have to be straight with them and tell them that you will have your hands full and won't be able to entertain them. Can't they book in a to a local hotel?

MousyMouse · 12/09/2012 15:47

very rude.
be rude back, you have the hormones on your side...
send them a list of hotels at the other end of town if they can't change or cancel their flights.

DuelingFanjo · 12/09/2012 15:48

this is really rude.

you say "They expected to be entertained, me to make conversation and my DH and I to do evening meals"

well someone is going to have to tell them this is just not going to be possible. You might even consider telling them that they will need to go to a B&B.

ENormaSnob · 12/09/2012 15:49

Very rude of them.

Tough shit if they don't like it, they need to rearrange.

TudorJess · 12/09/2012 15:50

YANBU. How hard would it have been to ask you?

NatashaBee · 12/09/2012 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubirosa · 12/09/2012 15:52

You need to say no. Email back saying that there must be a mistake as that is less than a week after your due date obviously it isn't possible, and suggest some more convenient dates.

Bubbless · 12/09/2012 15:52

put it this way, how awful would you feel if you thought you were seriously putting either of your DC at a horrific inconvienence? id feel awful.. your parents must surely feel the same?! although i know some peoples parents....

id tell them, and be a brat.. its their own fault!
id send them an email being like 'oh, it such a shame you didnt check the dates as actually, were 'trecking across africa' or 'renting out our house to a load of hillbillys' or 'taking the DC to [other end of the country]'. So next time, just a quick phone call to check, as youll have to change your plans!'

but thats just me!

Catsu · 12/09/2012 15:53

So rude. Can't you just say 'oh no, if only you'd checked first! Those dates are inpossible, what a shame!' and then they know the problem is them not checking!! If you have to think of an excuse you could say You aren't at home for some of the time?
If your dad says 'how can you not be at home, you might be in labour!' then you can respond with 'well obviously we will be there if I am in labour but of course that still means it's not suitable for you to stay then either!!'

Original poster

oscarwilde · 12/09/2012 15:55

Suggest a hotel? I might as well tell them to "f right off". We have plenty of space, they are just the type of people who think that they are absolutely no trouble, need no entertainment and are really helpful when they turn up, they just aren't. I like houseguests who make plans to do stuff when they visit and not just hang around the house telling me inane stories about people I have never met and don't give a flying f88k to hear about. I live in London ffs - go out for a few hours!
Worse still - the "I don't mind" answer to everything. I do get my own back and serve food that suits me. Always amusing to watch your parents dealing with chopsticks and noodles
With a bit of organisation it will be fine when they are here - I'm just really hacked off right now that I have to add it to my to do list and try to pacify my DH.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 12/09/2012 15:57

Definitely tell them it won't be possible. You're not being unreasonable at all, they'll just have to change their flights, and it's their fault for not checking. Up to you if you want to offer to pay, it would be nice of you but you're not obliged.

Original poster

oscarwilde · 12/09/2012 15:58

Think I will offer to move the flights in any case.

OP posts:

Rubirosa · 12/09/2012 15:59

Just tell them it's not possible - if I was your DH I would be livid too!

eurochick · 12/09/2012 16:01

I think I would take the diplomatic route and say those dates won't work because you might be in hspital giving birth then and not around to see them. And change the flights on that basis.

AdoraBell · 12/09/2012 16:12

You don't have to defend their rudeness. And it is rude in my mind. Plain common sense tells me to check if someone is available before booking anything. Just tell them that the dates are not convenient, you'd love to see them but are busy, if they still want to come maybe you could meet up for coffee/lunch/whatever you can do without putting yourself and DH under undue pressure. Alternatively you'll be free on .

And feel free to point out the fact that no-one asked you if you were free before booking flights/time off work, etc.

fwiw, my ILs are the same, you have my sympathy.

EscapeInThePark · 12/09/2012 16:15

Tell them how happy you are that they are coming especially to look after dc1 whilst you are in labour/recovery and obviously your DH will be with you to support you?
And insist he won't be a hassle at all, will just need

gallifrey · 12/09/2012 16:17

Same as my Mum who lives abroad, she just books flights and turns up whenever she feels like it too!

julieann42 · 12/09/2012 17:32

YANBU? My outlaws, sorry inlaws are the same! They also live abroad and will just ring and say we are coming over this do that week, this time we have told them, those dates don't work for us! And they are now not coming! Result! Wish they would consult before thinking they can just turn up, we are very busy and I work weekends on a rota!

bigsnugglebunny · 12/09/2012 17:58

I'd go with EscapeInThePark Tell them how happy you are that they are coming especially to look after dc1 whilst you are in labour/recovery and obviously your DH will be with you to support you?

Make sure you gush... and say things like "I'm so relieved that you'll be here because I can't move around much at the moment - and it'll be great to have more help around the house" and "it'll be so nice to know you're at home making it nice while I'm in labour in hospital" oh and also "great! I won't be able to do food shopping, so it'll be wonderful to have a hand with that"

Panzee · 12/09/2012 18:03

Oh great idea escape and bunny. Things like "I'll make sure I have a list ready so you can go to the supermarket" and "the ironing basket will be nice and full then" :o

WinklyFriedChicken · 12/09/2012 18:07

From what you have said, it appears that you are being unreasonable to expect your family to check dates, based on experience

But yes, I like the suggestions re making them help out. Rudeness just booking flights.

diddl · 12/09/2012 18:38

It does sound rude-but I think it also depends on what was already discussed.

For example when they were pondering about when to come over-did you say outright that certain dates were a no go or were you non committal & perhaps gave the impression that it didn´t matter when they came within certain dates?

Does your father have work commitments to consider?

As for the waiting on them-well, just why?

ivesufferedenoughfools · 12/09/2012 18:39

Very very rude! You're going to have to tell them they can't stay with you or it will drive you mad once they're there and you're less able to deal with them than you are now.
We had a similar situation where the inlaws booked flights to come and see us and then just rang to say they were coming over. We'd only been here (the US) 4 weeks and were moving to a new apartment and up they popped, such bad timing. DH(!) made them stay in a hotel and they have been given strict instructions not to do it again.
The time after giving birth is special to you, your DH and newborn. No one else has a right to impose on you and you have a right to tell them they can't visit then. Be strong!

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