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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Crossing over boundaries? I need honest opinions please...

44 replies

codebrown · 12/09/2012 12:33

DD 5 and DS3. Grandfather keeps picking up DD by picking her up between the legs and patting her bottom. In short hands are all over private places during play. Makes DH's blood boil. I didn't think anything of it as I thought it the norm, but realise family has a history of not respecting boundaries/privacy issues while I was growing up, so I actually have no idea what is acceptable. Appreciate that it becomes less appropriate as the child gets older, but where to draw the line? (There is absolutely no sugggestion of sexual abuse I have to stress). Please help me guage what you see as appropriate. It is tearing me apart.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 12/09/2012 13:35

I would show him your preferred way of picking her up, and ask if he could do it that way in future please, rather than directly questioning the way he does it.

Of course if he keeps doing it, you may have to be more blunt, and say it's inappropriate and needs to stop.

Actually if she's 5 years old, does she need to be picked up at all?

Ephiny · 12/09/2012 13:36

(I agree don't do it by email)

MsVestibule · 12/09/2012 13:36

I think Nancy66 has the best approach; it's dealt with as it's happening without making your DD feel uncomfortable, and will hopefully negate the need for a 'big talk' which would be pretty uncomfortable for you and your father. As long as he actually listens to you...

DivineInspiration · 12/09/2012 13:38

Email isn't a great method for communicating sensitive information or information which can be potentially taken the wrong way - he's likely to find it more insulting rather than less.

You say you have no concerns about sexual abuse, so a straightforward conversation on now that DD is getting older, things which were okay when she was a baby are now becoming inappropriate. Also you're teaching her about things like private parts being private and not to be touched by anybody without her permission, even by people she knows well, and want the message to be consistent - picking her up in a way which involves contact with her private parts is confusing for her and you'd like it to stop.

Has DD said anything to you about it or indicated that she doesn't like it/it's uncomfortable to be picked up this way? If so, encourage her to tell her granddad this. It's possibly one of the clearest ways , if DD is saying directly that she doesn't like something.

Original poster
codebrown · 12/09/2012 13:44

How to explain...Parental model I had when I was growing up was very bad. Whilst I have claimed my own life back and have control of my life, when we go on to their territory there is always an underlying tension of my house I'll do as I please. Never said out loud, just inferred by behaviour and lack respect when speaking to me in certain situations. Very clever as always done to a degree that you can't quite point the finger at but that is what is going on. Have had major issues in the past that I have said my way or forget it and they have toed the line, aware that I have to push another condition on to them again -so be it. Standard M.O. is to try to make me feel like I am in the wrong to try to regain the upper hand. Usually done by trying to belittle me with verbal abuse, or by denying any such problem and accusing me of causing problems. Just wonder why it always has to be so damned hard.

OP posts:
naturalbaby · 12/09/2012 13:45

So he picks her up like you would pick up a baby? then you can ask him to stop picking her up like a baby next time he does it, then if he does it again you can remind him you've asked him not to pick her up like a baby.
Don't worry about it - I've often made things a bigger issue than they need to be. I hope you make some progress with your depression as well.

Ilovedaintynuts · 12/09/2012 13:48

Inappropriate.

I think the best way to the diffuse the situation is by blaming someone else.
Say that kids are being taught nowadays not to allow adults to touch them in private places and you would hate anyone to think GF was doing anything inappropriate. Say it is all very politically correct and you are just thinking of him.

People do have different boundaries in different families. My DH's family all kiss each other on the lips. So when I see them I get a snog (no tongue!) from MIL, FIL and BIL. Me and SIL smile knowingly - they are clearly freaks Smile
My wedding was the first time a lot of my family and friends met my IL's and everybody's facial expression after they had been bear-hugged and snogged by FIL is still etched in my mind.

Sorry got carried away there...

Original poster
codebrown · 12/09/2012 13:52

daintynuts. thank you. the first laugh I have had in 24 hours. x

OP posts:
Salbertina · 12/09/2012 13:54

It's v inappropriate and you both should -and have every right to - tell not ask yr father. Every right and responsibility tbh, however hard.
I think maybe set boundaries eg always at yr house, always someone else present.. It sounds ...uncomfortable if not alarming

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 12/09/2012 13:55

I think Op all the responces, whilst good indeas and with the best intention, about saying it is because of what children are being taught or saying dd is not comfertable, takes away the credability of you as a parent and adult to make a positive judgemnet and request.

It also playes into his hands of apeasing him over your own needs and wishes and that of your own family. It attempts to difuse his short fuse.

I think as difficult as it will be for you and DH I think this is the situation you must assert your selves over your DF and make it clear that you are an adult with the right to make requests on other pwople that fit in line with your own parenting style.

I do also believe this is not a matter to back down or skirt around on, you wont make any accustaions and obviously need to word sensitivly but reassure your self you are being reasonable to make this simple request and if that is met with hostility then maybe consider not visiting them at thier house, place safeguards that ensure they then come to your house and follow your rules.

Do not be emotionaly controled by him, you deserve more than that.

Original poster
codebrown · 12/09/2012 13:56

We already don't leave our kids alone with them because he is an alcoholic. So not an issue.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 12/09/2012 13:56

xpost with salbertina

Original poster
codebrown · 12/09/2012 13:59

Enthusiastic troll, I agree and think the direct approach of don't pick her up like that she is too big is a good and simple one. Have written it down so I can rehearse in my mind for the next time.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 12/09/2012 14:00

be strong and doubt your self. x

Midgetm · 12/09/2012 14:03

I used to pick up DD like that sometimes - so did my husband. It is a good hold for playing and pretending you are going to fling them about. I don't think you can read much about someones motivations into this really on it's own. I can remember my older brothers doing it to me and not a hint of anything untoward about it - just horse play. It is a good hold for playing airplanes (I would love it if anyone was strong enough to do that to me now - bloody loved it). However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then I would ask him to stop. I wouldn't put it in an email though - easily misconstrued - I would just casually mention it and leave it at that. And no YANBU.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 12/09/2012 14:03

ha ha and dont doubt your self Grin

Original poster
codebrown · 12/09/2012 14:08

Thanks Midgetm, at least I don't feel like I have been totally hoodwinked. I do believe it is innocent, but it also needs to stop. Troll - I did wonder at the typo!!

OP posts:
brass · 12/09/2012 16:22

tbh as soon as I read your description I felt very uncomfortable.

  1. It is NOT appropriate
  2. It is not something I would convey in an email
  3. I would do it in person with DH present so that the message is coming from both of you. If there is any hint of exerting power then it should make him think again.
  4. You actually do not need to defend your reasons why or put up with any argument from him. It is important he understands immediately that you will not be moved on this. Do not sound apologetic.

It is a non negotiable directive - we do not want you to pick up DD like that again, it is inappropriate.

The fact that you are close to cutting contact speaks volumes.

SirGOLDBoobs · 12/09/2012 16:28

So he is both an alcoholic and you feel handles your DD in a way which is inappropriate?

... Why are you still visiting?

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