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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 4 year old boys are supposed to run around

45 replies

mamamibbo · 12/09/2012 12:24

bil and sil are long term fostering a little boy, he turned 4 in january, they got him in feb, i have 4 children, he is their first, when they need a sitter they ask mil who is 75, while hes there he sits and watches tv with her so i offered to have him (i used to be a childminder,then a nursery nurse before i had my youngest ones so im used to alot of children) she said she prefers him at mils because she "doesn want him to be one of those little boys that runs around" he just started school so hes now socialising but out of school she doesnt let him play with other children (not just mine, other cousins)

aibu to think its a bit odd? ive seen them together and she tells him to sit down and be quiet at their house and other peoples houses so he sits and watches the other children playing, if he tries to get up and join in he's told to sit down again

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 12/09/2012 13:55

To be honest these people should not be foster carers at all. That poor boy. Out of the frying pan into the fire almost here

What do you propose to do about this OP? Would you consider an annonymous call to the authorities that placed him?

Fakebook · 12/09/2012 13:59

How horrible for the little boy. The Bil and Sil sound like they've hopped out of the 1800's and landed in 2012. I'd call up the authorities and report them. This poor little boy was abused by his mother and put into foster care, and by the sounds of it, he isn't really getting much love here either. Do the right thing OP. Think of the little boy.

WorkingMummyof1 · 12/09/2012 14:00

poor thing - unless due to a disability/behavioural issue as others have suggested - would be toruture to watch other kids play but not be able to join in - you should talk to bil if sil refuses to listen. surely the child can be taught to play without wrecking his surroundings!

Original poster

mamamibbo · 12/09/2012 14:02

im going to call :( ive tried to tell her but she knows better so just carried on, poor little lad, hes a lovely kid but had a rubbish time

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 12/09/2012 14:03

Phew! well done OP. You're doing totally the right thing.

Fakebook · 12/09/2012 14:05

Good job OP. I hope they don't get another child either. What a horrible way to treat someone.

choceyes · 12/09/2012 14:06

yes please report this. This poor poor child. He probably knows no better because of his history too, so not making a fuss. I have a nearly 4yr old DS and even thinking of doing this to him is so so cruel. This is emotional abuse.

D0oinMeCleanin · 12/09/2012 14:10

AFAIK foster carers are only allowed to have people babysit who have CRB checked and assessed by the local authority/agency.

SIL fosters and DH had to be CRB checked and given an assessment before he could be left alone with SILs foster child, your BIL and SIL might be breaking the law allowing MIL to babysit.

YANBU btw and well done on reporting them.

AmberLeaf · 12/09/2012 14:10

also if your fostering you are only supposed to leave the fostered child with another REGISTERED foster carer so they should NOT be leaving him with your mother or with you (unless of course you are registered)

You can have a designated secondary carer who is vetted to a degree but doesn't have to be a foster carer.

Floggingmolly · 12/09/2012 14:11

Definitely report this . The poor little sod has had one bad break already in his short life; the idea of him being handed over to another family who can't or won't meet his needs is chilling.
That people like this can be approved as foster carers is shocking.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/09/2012 14:11

Why don't you try talking to your sister in law and tell her about your profession experience of children that age? I think before you have children you think that they are not going to take over the whole house and then you get a baby that doesn't really make too much mess; by the time you get a 4 year old you're knee deep in plastic tat and spend loads of time doing active things. This is fine because it creeps up on you gradually.

Now imagine that you go from tidy home to manic 4 year old madness in one go. Bit of a shock I'd imagine. Tell her it's normal and try and suggest things that keep him active without the house becoming a disaster zone such as soft play, playgrounds, activities at sports centre etc. If she's fostering she must care about the little boy but just may not know the best way to help him. Give her the benefit of the doubt before contacting anyone in authority.

WelshMaenad · 12/09/2012 14:15

Oh, that's not good. Definitely call the agency/local authority and get him out of there. My mum's s supervising social worker with a foster care agency and I know her well enough to know this would be ringing big old alarm bells.

If that's their attitude towards play and socialisation, they should not be fostering. Poor little chap.

Lucie99 · 12/09/2012 14:18

YANBU I would also be informing the Local Authority of your concerns. This is not right and the little boy's social worker would not approve of this no running/playing rule.

FeersumEndjinn · 12/09/2012 14:18

That is a dreadful situation - and as he would only be being fostered in the first place if he's already had some awful things happen, you would be unreasonable NOT to raise this with social services. This couple should not be fostering if this is their attitude.

Lucie99 · 12/09/2012 14:19

Amberleaf is wrong ... foster carers can use their friends and family as help as long as it's been agreed by the supervising social worker.

Lucie99 · 12/09/2012 14:20

Whoops realise amberleaf was correcting another poster ... sorry

WildWorld2004 · 12/09/2012 14:26

Ghoul has a point. It would be a shock to have a 4 year old living with you as your first child. Theres no slow run up from them being babies to children. Maybe have a word with them and see if they are coping as it may be a shock to their systems.

Kids of any age need to run around and let of steam and also get some exercise and also to play and interact with other children.

wolvesdidit · 12/09/2012 14:34

Poor little boy :( I have two boys and believe me it is an effort to keep them still. Don't let him be abused again (and it is a form of abuse) after all he has been through. You need to report it (anonymously?)

sue52 · 12/09/2012 16:49

You've made the right decision to call. It can't have been easy for you but that little boy needs to allowed to play and make friends or he will lose the ability to.

WilsonFrickett · 12/09/2012 17:15

Something I found through being on MN is that foster carers have to be 'better' than parents - they're held to a higher standard, IYSWIM because they are dealing with vulnerable children. It doesn't sound like your SIL is meeting this standard - whether that's through ignorance, apathy or just because she's overwhelmed. It may not be sinister, it may be done with the best of intentions - but it's wrong and you do need to report it to her SW.

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