To want separate bedrooms

[PippiL]

...when dh comes to bed late or has to leave at 5am?

Dh has a fold out bed in his study, though to be fair it is a pain to fold it out and sleeping where you work all day is a bit shit. But he has only used it a couple of times.

He works very hard, often til the wee hours, or has to travel once or twice a week getting up very early.

I'm a really light sleeper and also suffer from insomnia. I often don't go back to sleep for hours. I wear earplugs but they don't really help much and they also hurt my ears.

I don't do any travelling with my job and only work part time school hours, but do all the school runs etc so it's not like I can nap during the day.

So let met have it! What do people with shift working partners do?

Do you actually have a spare bedroom to sleep in?

Well we aren;t shift workers but we have seperate rooms! We are totally incompatible as far as sleep is concerned. I sleep with light blinds, windows open, a lightweight duvet and sleep about 4-6 hours a night mostly broken! I have been insmnic for many years.

He sleeps in the pitch dark, windows closed, big heavy duvet all wrapped around him and is extremely grumpy if he doesn't get his 8+ hours every day.

We have always spent periods apart at night-time but didn't move to seperate rooms for quite a long time because "its not the done thing", "your marriage will suffer", "no room for intamacy" blah de blah. Of course none of these things are true, if anything our marrige (now 25 years) is much better for us sleeping as we need to! As far as I am concerned the only objective of bedtime is to make sure everyone in the house gets the sleep they need - how this is achieved is irrelevant as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Why don't you sleep on the fold out bed if you don't want to be disturbed?

I think it would be unreasonable to ask this of him unless you actually have a spare room with a proper bed in it. Poor man is working hard by the sounds of it. Why do you not have the fold out bed?

The fold out bed is in his study, where he is working.

I have used it once or twice when he is getting up early and not using the study.

No, no proper spare room.

Well then YANBU to want separate bedrooms but you can't have a separate bedroom unless you move home or extend the one you have

Then agree with Worra that would be VVVUR to make him sleep there.

I feel for you. I am an incredibly light sleeper and find it difficult sharing with someone else. To all the critics who say your relationship will suffer if you don't share a bedroom are wrong. Lack of sleep can also spell disaster for a relationship if one or both parties are tired and grumpy. Maybe you could sleep separately for part of the week or maybe sleep together at weekends?

Have you seen a Doctor about your insomnia?

I am a terrible sleeper too. If I wake up or get woke up i can lie there for ages trying to sleep again.
I understand where you are coming from but I couldn't expect my husband to sleep in another room and he is frequently up early or in bed late.

DH and I sleep in separate bedrooms most of the time. It works for us, I love having my own space, and there's nothing wrong with it at all IMO.

However I wouldn't expect him to sleep on a fold-out bed on a regular basis, I don't think that's reasonable.

Nothing wrong with separate beds/rooms or houses for that matter .

I think the sofabed idea during the week is a good compromise here.

I only have a one bed flat and my son has the bedroom. I sleep on a sofa bed and it's very comfy. Why not invest in a new good quality mattress for it and an additional mattress topper.

DS even says my sofabed is more comfy that his double divan!

Oh it's a sofabed? I was imagining a little folding camp-bed type of thing.

I have seen a doc about insomnia, but they can't really do much except prescribe medication.

And I was self medicating for a while so I avoid any sleeping tabs now.

I guess the best thing for me to do is sleep in with my daughter most of the time. She has a double bed.

Yes, its quite comfy.

I feel bad about asking him to use it more. I have made up duvets and pillows there ready for him to use.

Sorry but I am sympathizing with your DH. I would be really pissed off if I was him (for want of a better word sorry)

Thats fair enough. I admit to grumbling if I'm woken, but I haven't demanded he sleeps in there or anything...yet!

Oh I see you are suggesting by putting pillows in there. That is good PippiL I like your thinking make it think it is his idea.

So relieved to hear that others have separate bedrooms! I finally gave in this year and now DH sleeps in spare room after years of lack of sleep! I worried about 'your marriage will suffer' 'how weird' and all that, but I suffer from insomnia too and he, on the other hand, falls asleep within 2 mins and SNORES incredibly loudly. He also gets up at 5.00am for work. Sharing a bed meant I lay there stressed, tired, unable to sleep before finally dropping off around 4.00 - 4.30am in exhaustion only to be woken by his alarm. I would then doze fitfully, terrified I wouldn't hear my own alarm at 7.00am and that I would oversleep. I was always shattered. Now he's in spare room I still have trouble dropping off and don't sleep brilliantly but I'm not lying there seething and fantasising about smothering him with the pillow. Still concerned about the lack of intimacy, I miss snuggling up and chatting in bed, but I just couldn't function any longer on no sleep at all.

We've slept separately for years now - DH sleeps on a sofa bed in the living room. It works for us and certainly doesn't mean our marriage or sex life has suffered, if anything, it's improved because we both get some sleep.

No, YANBU.

I sleep in other room if early start, or if I have a cold and know I'll snore (or have drunk enough beer ditto).

DW sleeps in other room if I start snoring, or wake her up, or if she feels ill.