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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For thinking that I am being used by my sister and mother?

19 replies

mamafridi · 12/09/2012 09:16

I moved back to the uk 5 months ago to be closer to my mum and sister, especially since having my dd, but now I feel like they're taking advantage of me being here.

Before I moved here my mum was helping my sister out by looking after her dd two days a week. One of those days was when my sister was at work and the other just to give her time to do what she wanted. Well now my mum has made other arrangements for the Friday and so there's no one to look after my niece. I've helped out a couple of times, on the friday as well as other bits here and there, but I'm just not prepared to do it every Friday. The problem is my sister is struggling financially so can't afford child care even though her dd goes to half day nursery two of the days that she isn't working. I just feel it isn't my responsibility, but then am I being a mean cow for not giving up that Friday especially as I am not working at the moment?
The other thing is that the whole moving to uk has been pretty hard for me. I haven't found it easy to make friends and the one day that I have managed to meet some nice mums to chat with is on a Friday morning at a child centre.
I can't help feeling used, but isn't that what families are for?

OP posts:

Kayano · 12/09/2012 09:20

Just remember you might need their help one day

Asking for help isn't being used as you have the option to refuse.

I couldn't do that to my imaginary sister if I didn't have anything on or wasn't doing anything. Could you not say I will do it til xx date but then I have something on? Just to give her a bit breathing space to sort something?

Lovemy3kids · 12/09/2012 09:24

Could your sister not change the day that her daughter goes to childcare to co-incide when shes at work, and then if she's not doing anything on the other day she can have her own child....its called parenting.

thecatsminion · 12/09/2012 09:24

Could you agree to do look after your niece in return for your DSis looking after your DD during the weekend or for one night a week?

As I'm discovering, mums groups can be a minefield, even if you haven't just moved from another country. You could keep trying with the Friday mums, or join a club to do with something else you're interested in (using your DS or DM for childcare)?

diddl · 12/09/2012 09:29

I think that regular free childcare-is using someone.

It´s not the odd favour-it´s a commitment.

Is friday the workday, then?

So your mum looks after her GC on the day your sister doesn´t work now?

Which really means that she doesn´t have to-if she says no, it won´t let your sister down.

I suppose your sister can´t change her work day so that your mum can still do that & you can be emergency/holiday back up?

Can she change nursery to the day she works or cm for that day?

imonthefone · 12/09/2012 09:40

no-dont feel you have to do this; you will be giving up your social life to enable your sister to have one

it was nice of your mum to do this, so your sister could have some R&R, but you are not obliged to step up

in the interest of helpy-helpfulness, I think it is a good idea to see if you can reach a reciprocal arrangement, though

MrsDWho · 12/09/2012 09:53

So on a Friday, is she actually working? Is the favour ever returned?

Original poster

mamafridi · 12/09/2012 09:58

Thank you ladies.

I have written an email to my sister and asked if she might consider changing the day so that her dd goes to nursery on the Friday morning and then I can pick her up at lunch time, but I still feel it's not my responsibility to do it every Friday.
Unfortunately my mum has spoilt my sister and probably took on a lot more child care than she should have and now that I've turned up she thinks she can share it out with me. The thing is I don't see why I should spoil my sister too!
But at least from most of your responses I can see that I'm not being totally unreasonable.
Lovemy3kids - that is how I feel too!

OP posts:

imonthefone · 12/09/2012 10:02

please dont send her an email-go round and talk about it face to face. Or I guarantee you will be back her, with some misunderstanding derived from trying to communicate via email!

Original poster

mamafridi · 12/09/2012 10:09

It's too late I've sent it now. The thing with my sister is that even face to face she twists things round to fit her argument, so at least it's in black and white and as clear as I can make it without her constantly interrupting me!

OP posts:

imonthefone · 12/09/2012 10:12

DontmindifIdo · 12/09/2012 10:19

I would send her another message saying "oh and by the way, I have plans on [list 4 of the next 8 Fridays] so won't be able to help you on those days. Long term, I think you need to make other childcare arrangements because after Christmas I'm not going to be able to do free childcare for you."

Really, you don't have to do this, part of the cost of work is that you have to find childcare. If she's financially struggling that's actually not your problem, it's nice to help out, but if she asked you for say £50 a week to cover a day in childcare you'd think it was seriously cheeky, so why is asking you to do it for free any less rude?

mrschewbacker · 12/09/2012 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mamafridi · 12/09/2012 13:44

Mrschewbacker - my sister is strapped for cash, but I am by no means rolling in money either, but I am careful with what I do have or I try to be. However, I think that my problem and perhaps yours too is that we are too accommodating/nice and feel somehow guilty if we say no, or in my case scared of the backlash I will get from the person I say no to. My sister's reply was to say that I must think she is a bad person for having asked this favour and that she won't ever ask anything of me again and that I won't hear from her now. Unbelievable! Although in this case I think she is just angry at me for having brought up that she was maybe taking the p a bit. Basically give them an inch they'll take the whole bloody M25.
But I suppose no one likes to be turned down, it's whether they can shrug of the no and not hold it against you.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 12/09/2012 14:02

I wouldn?t her in to any further discussion with her about whether you think she is a bad person. She sounds like she?d be over dramatic, would go round in circles and you'd end up offering to take her child on a Friday to calm everything down.
So I?d just reply back with ?ok well I?m happy to help you out with favours but I can?t provide child care for you every Friday, speak soon?. If you keep it light, she can only argue with herself.

Original poster

mamafridi · 12/09/2012 14:14

It's ironic that everyone but me has it figured out so clearly. MimiSunshine it is true, my sister, now when I think about past situations, has this way of turning things round so that I feel I am the bitch and then I end up making up for it by doing whatever it is that caused the argument at the beginning!
Finally it's dawned on me and I think that I'm going to be more aware of how I get caught up in her life far too much.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 12/09/2012 15:48

I once had a friend like that and I walked round on eggshells. I once I found myself apologising to her, because she felt I hadn?t forgiven her quick enough for a bit of backstabbing she did to me . Some people are truly gifted at emotional manipulation.

I found that when I stopped ?solutionising? for her then her issues stopped being my problem. So rather than take on your sisters issue of child care and you finding ways to solve it. Just stick to what you can cant do and leave her to figure the rest out for herself. Even when it?s screamingly obvious i.e. she works the days her child has nursery and not the ones she doesn?t.

Ephiny · 12/09/2012 15:54

People can't 'use' you unless you let them. There's nothing wrong with her asking you for a favour, but equally there's nothing wrong with you saying no if it's not something you are comfortable with or want to commit to.

If you 'won't hear from her again' then that's the problem solved, isn't it? . Leave her to it, I'm sure she'll stop sulking eventually.

Crinkle77 · 12/09/2012 16:20

I think it's unreasonable of your sister to expect people to give up their free time just so she can go and do what she wants. What does she do on a Friday?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2012 16:22

" My sister's reply was to say that I must think she is a bad person for having asked this favour and that she won't ever ask anything of me again and that I won't hear from her now."
I'd respond along the lines of "you're not a bad person for having asked, but you might be a bad person for feeling entitled to have me say yes. And you're definitely a bad person for trying to make me feel guilty because I said no. If you want to go in a huff like a six-year-old every time you hear that word, go ahead."

Basically, she can only twist things that are twistable. Very blunt language is hard to twist. I have found going on the offensive to be the most effective defence against such people. They are used to painting polite people into a corner, they're not used to blunt people and so find them harder to manipulate.

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