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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to contact social services? I need advice.

22 replies

ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/09/2012 19:19

My friend has been diagnosed with aspergers about 4 months ago. She is 22 and at university, she lives in halls at term time.
I noticed odd things she was telling me recently about her mother's reaction. Her mum kept saying things like "Oh there is nothing wrong with you it's all an act".
Her mum is in denial I think, my friend has suffered all her life with feeling different to other kids at school and despite teachers recommending that her mother take her to be checked out her mother never has. She was only diagnosed recently because she went behind her mother's back and through the uni to do it.
My friend finds it hard in social situations and is highly dependent on her parents as they would not let her get a student loan and fund her university education themselves (they are loaded). She also passed her driving test and they bought her a car. Whenever she does things that they don't want to do they threaten to take the money and car from her.
She has also got her first boyfriend who is also asd and her mother hates him because...well in her words "he's autistic and you can do better".

Today she was talking to me about how life is hard with her parents and I told her that when she gets her degree she will get a job and move out and things will be easier. She kept arguing and saying it was impossible. I knew something was up and delved a bit further and she finally told me that her mother regularly hits her when she displays "asperger behaviour" (in her words).

I really dont know what to do as she is a vulnerable person and I am the only one she has told and I really need advice. Should I call social services or keep my nose out? Would bringing it all up be detrimental to her? I really feel like going round to her house and having strong words with her mum Angry

OP posts:
CailinDana · 11/09/2012 19:25

How sad for your friend :( I do think you should call social services but I'm not sure they'll take much interest given that she's a functional adult rather than someone who is totally at the mercy of her parents. Still, it's worth a try.

Would it be possible to persuade her to look from help from the uni? Most unis have pretty good student care, especially for people with disabilities.

Hopeforever · 11/09/2012 19:28

Agree that help from the uni may be a much better place to start.

However she is a vulnerable adult and SS shoud still be able to help if uni cant

stoatie · 11/09/2012 19:30

SS may be interested - as your friend sounds like she may be a "vulnerable adult" - hope she gets the support she needs

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 11/09/2012 19:48

She may be a vulnerable adult so it is fine to call SS for advice, particularly if the mother is hitting her Sad.

For the record and the thread, if anyone is asking themselves if they should call SS, you have answered your own question. They are trained, they are professionals. Your role is to follow the law and report if you feel there is abuse or neglect.

ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/09/2012 19:50

Thanks, I just didnt know if SS would be interested or if they could do anything.

OP posts:
boredandrestless · 11/09/2012 19:56

As she has a diagnosis and is a vulnerable adult they should be interested.

Do you both go to uni together or did you know her beforehand. I would encourage her to go to the uni's student services and ask for their support. Maybe you could go with her? She may be able to access some counselling.

How many more years of uni does she have?

My DS has autism and I just cannot imagine what the hell is wrong with her parents to behave this way towards their own daughter. I would be amazingly proud if at 22 my DS was at uni and driving.

Debs75 · 11/09/2012 19:57

Call SS, she is a vulnerable adult dealing with a confusing diagnosis and going through a great deal of stress. If her mum is hitting her for displaying ASD traits then how long has she been doing this?
SS are there to help all vulnerable people and it may be time for your friend to get that help

RuleBritannia · 11/09/2012 20:05

I think SS because this sounds like domestic violence.

Noqontrol · 11/09/2012 20:08

Call SSD because she sounds as though she is a vulnerable adult and this is a safeguarding issue.

Somebloke · 11/09/2012 20:10

Social Services + see if there's any support services at the uni.

coronalover · 11/09/2012 20:13

She's a vulnerable adult and her parents are physically, emotionally and financial abusing her - social services will want to know and can help to protect/support her. I would try to get her to agree to accepting SS help though and contact them herself with your support.

Socknickingpixie · 11/09/2012 20:15

yep call them,she a vulnerable adult with a disability. also does the uni have student support services these days?

ShavingPrimateRyan · 11/09/2012 20:35

I just feel like if I do contact SS she will never talk to me again and/or deny it as will her parents. I really want to help her, I told her we could go to the uni Councillor and she said she was too frightened of her parents finding out. When I asked her what she thought they might do she put:
"um hit me, put titanium bars on my windows, never let me leave the house ever on the gorunds of im not sane enought to sustain myslef without slagging them off"

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 11/09/2012 20:48

thats a risk you have to take. given that the other more likly risk is she will spend the rest of her life being beaten or abused as a direct result of her disability

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 11/09/2012 23:22

I was the person who would have gone to see her. I am very nice Smile. People certainly do deny things. People tell stories and lies. However, we are quite good at working this stuff out and she would have some support. It may be that the parents are struggling and need help, we can do that too.

I will give you an example. I had to interview a vulnerable adult about financial abuse. I spoke to school (who had reported), DM, DF, her, siblings and saw her room (because she invited me). I did homework on what the incoming/expenses were and worked out that there was no financial abuse. I also worked out why it looked like there was to the school. Offered support to her DM, who was really grateful and kept in touch.

Call SS.

TudorJess · 12/09/2012 09:54

Counselling is a very good idea. It should help her to become stronger and make the break from her parents. It's completely confidential and so why does she think her parents might find out? Or could she discuss these things with her GP?

loopyluna · 12/09/2012 09:59

Call SS to report a potential safeguarding issue regarding a vulnerable young adult. It won't hurt to have the situation checked out.

SchrodingersMew · 12/09/2012 10:46

They have threatened to put bars on her windows!? That's horrible. :( I think you should call SS as I do think she is a vulnerable adult. :(

Mrsjay · 12/09/2012 10:49

They sounds horrible , yes I would call SS for advice this is abuse of a vulnerable adult imo I think these is new legislation regarding this, your poor friend

ElsieMc · 12/09/2012 10:59

One of the best things she has going for her is having you as a friend. You sound very caring and understanding. You are right, she needs professional help and support to allow her to move on from the current situation with her parents and lead an independent life. Why on earth would her parents feel she could not lead an independent life when she is a uni studying for a degree despite having a disability?

Her mother sounds in denial and is lashing out in frustration at her daughter's perceived imperfections rather than being proud of her achievements. Carrying on supporting her and I wish you both luck.

starfishmummy · 12/09/2012 12:38

I would say call SS and I am they would not tell your firend that it was you who rang.
Otherwise, is there a counselling service at her Uni that you could persuade her to talk to (or a trusted tutor)?

Extrospektiv · 12/09/2012 14:04

She needs protection from her mother. Call SS

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