to think my parents should split up?

[Paintyourbox]

Sorry this is long...

My parents have been married nearly 30 years. Throughout my childhood I witnessed many conflicts between them and they often told me sister and I they were going to split up (which as you can imagine was very very upsetting for us)

My dad was probably the cause of most of the problems. I remember him telling my mum she'd have to make my sister and I choose who we wanted to live with if my mum left. Seeing how upset this made us, my mum stayed put.

I'm an adult now and seeing the way he treats mum really upsets me. Tbh I think I would call it emotional abuse. She can't go out without getting a hard time, she's lost touch with most of her friends and family as he doesn't like her going out on her own. If she's not back in time to have his tea ready he won't speak to her for days and things nothing of shouting and swearing at her.

She isn't the kind of woman to go out drinking, she just wants to go visit my sister or meet her friends for lunch but even this gets thrown back at her face.

She called me this morning because he had shouted and sworn at her last night because she was 2 hours later at getting home than his normal tea time. She had already told him she was going to have to go and help my sister and she may be late but he was "white with rage" when she got in and said their relationship is all "take take take from her"

She had to take early retirement last year due to ill health. She has a pension which she lives off and has always been very frugal. When my dad feels guilty for giving her a hard time he'll give her money for a "treat" and then throw this back at her during the next fight.

She told me she wants to leave because she doesnt know how many years she has left (this is true not an exaggeration) and doesn't want to waste those years treading on eggshells and not being able to have any hobbies.

I want them to go their separate ways so my mum can get out and enjoy her life. She's such a lovely woman and deserves so much better. For what it's worth I was always a "daddy's girl" growing up but now I can see what he does to her it's so wrong.

hi paint you box

this sounds like a very tricky relationship!!
sounds like your mum is having a very hard time
it is also a hard descion to leave especially if they have been married for so long!!
your dad sounds like a right pain to live with and his behaviour sounds unaccetable
support your mum then hopefully she will make the right decision

Your dad sounds childish and controlling. Trouble is, your mum has never stood up to him (or so it comes across) so he's never been forced to rethink his behaviour. My dad behaved similarly at one point but fortunately my mum is no pushover and put him in his place.

It's really tough when you're stuck between your parents - even as an adult it's very hard. Ultimately if she really wants to leave, she will. It's her action to take and all you can do is support her. Do you think she has it in her to go?

She used to try and stand up to him but tbh I think over the years it's just dragged her down. Now she is in a good place health wise, she's paid the mortgage off, for the first time she's in a position to be able to do something about it.

I think she does have it in her to go but he will emotionally blackmail her as much as possible to stay.

Paint - blimey, I could have written your post about my parents!

I hated growing up in a house where arguments and screaming matches were a regular occurrence. I really hoped my parents would split (when i was about 9) but they still haven't, 43 yrs on. They said they wanted to stay together for the kids but I would have rather they'd split than put us through the constant arguing and screaming which was the backdrop to my homelife. Couldn't wait to leave home tbh. Hated the constant walking on eggshells bullshit.

My mum still tells me life as is crap as ever but still she won't go. Me and my siblings had countless deep conversations with her about what she could do but despite assurances of leaving she never has.

I really hope your mum does the best thing for her and doesn't end up like mine.