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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ring ExH's wife when he is in hospital?

23 replies

GilbGeekette · 11/09/2012 08:06

Bit of background: ExH and I divorced 12 years ago. We have two DDs, eldest is 16 and lives with her dad and his wife. Youngest, 14, lives with me and my DH. Relationships between ExH and I have been terse but civil, but have dwindled to next to nothing as the girls got older.

ExH was rushed to hospital last Thurs, remains there quite ill with tests being undertaken and scheduled for surgery on Thurs. The current situation seems to be an issue with a 'mass' in his pancreas and a blocked duct which requires a stent. Both DDs understandably worried and upset (as am I. Whilst I don't like ExH at all, I'd never ill wish him!)

I spoke with his wife last Thurs and made sure she had my mobile number, asked if there was anything I can do (we're a 2 hr drive away from the hospital) etc etc. All civil on both sides.

Fast forward to now. Updates on his condition have been coming from eldest DD and are... unclear. I'm trying to reassure DD who lives with me, and trying to explain that she can't see her dad until he is more stable, but it's difficult working with 3rd hand information.

So: AIBU to want to ring his wife and ask her for an adult-to-adult update? There is a long history of cancers in ExH's family; his father died recently of pancreatic cancer and his mum died in her 40s from liver cancer. While I have absolutely no wish to impose on her and add to her stress, I'm getting to the point where I'd quite like to know what the situation is so I can try to mentally prepare myself and DH to support DD who lives with us. My ExH has no surviving family, his wife's family are abroad (but her mum is flying in on Wednesday night) and I totally feel for what she's going through. I'm torn between not wanting to impose on her, and being able to reassure my DD and let her know what the situation is.

OP posts:

Wandawingsthe2nd · 11/09/2012 08:08

Of course it's fine.

GOLDFaverolles · 11/09/2012 08:09

YANBU.
He is your dd's dad, they have a right to know what's going on.

Tee2072 · 11/09/2012 08:09

I think you should ring and say your last sentence to her 'I'm really sorry if this is an imposition, but DD really needs to know what's going on and you know how vague teenagers can be!'

Tee2072 · 11/09/2012 08:10

Sorry, I hit post too soon...my mom and Step mom do not get along at all, but managed to speak civilly to each other and help us kids when my dad had his heartattack.

I hope your Ex recovers well.

NarcolepsyQueen · 11/09/2012 08:10

Phone her - I would say it is fine!

JeezyOrangePips · 11/09/2012 08:12

Oh of course you should phone. Your DD is his DD too, and of your eldest isn't being clear then you need clarification.

Lovemy3kids · 11/09/2012 08:12

YANBU....you say things are civil between you when you speak on the phone, so I don't see it should be a problem.

getrealandgetalife · 11/09/2012 08:12

i would phone. In your position its understandable, in her position she can see why, shes an adult.

He would like his DD to know that he is ok, and if he isnt then he woulnt want anything to come as a shock to his youngest DD

amistillsexy · 11/09/2012 08:12

Yes ring her. Explain what you've said here, that you don't want to impose,etc, but you need to know the details so you can talk it through with dd2.
It is a reasonable request, given that his daughter lives with you and she should be kept informed, and given that the last conversation was civil, there is no reason to think that the civility can't continue.

financialwizard · 11/09/2012 08:13

Definately call her, she will understand I am sure.

Original poster

GilbGeekette · 11/09/2012 08:13

Oh thank you all. I know is sounds really straightforward but I'm trying not to be the hellish ex wife and cause hassle, and I've driven myself round the bend and back trying to work out what I should do. The collective wisdom of MN-ers saves the day again!

OP posts:

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 11/09/2012 08:14

Given that this sounds very serious it's more than reasonable for you to ring her.

2rebecca · 11/09/2012 08:15

You can ask but it may be that your ex doesn't want you knowing details of his condition and has told his wife not to tell you anything at the moment. It may also be that the reason your 16 year old is unclear is because either they don't want her knowing details (so are unlikely to tell you so you can give out more details than they wish) or because things are unclear at the moment, waiting for histology etc.
So I don't think you are unreasonable to ask, but don't be surprised if you don't get given any more information.

madmouse · 11/09/2012 08:15

Can you text her and say you would really like an update for dd's sake would she mind if you called her?

Thumbwitch · 11/09/2012 08:17

I don't think she would consider it "hassle" when you're just trying to get the facts straight to tell your younger DD. I assume she has some kind of relationship with your younger DD and wouldn't wish her to be left out, so I think she'd be fine to talk to her directly.

Do phone her, it isn't imposing at this point.

Lovemy3kids · 11/09/2012 08:17

Could you possibly ring the hospital and ask for an update?

Original poster

GilbGeekette · 11/09/2012 08:18

2rebecca - I had thought that; it was one of the reasons I'd hesitated to call her thus far. If, and I hope it isn't the case, things are being sanitised for the sake of eldest DD I would assume that I'll get the same party line. I think, in her position, that's what I'd do.

Madmouse - that's a good idea. I might text her and ask her to give me a quick update at her convenience - then I'd be imposing less.

OP posts:

EMS23 · 11/09/2012 08:23

Glad you're going to call her. I would definitely expect to be in regular contact with my DH's ex in these circs, especially so she could support their DS appropriately.
I hope your ex pulls through.

Lolwhut · 11/09/2012 08:25

I would call too. Hope it goes well.

Original poster

GilbGeekette · 11/09/2012 08:38

Ok, so I called her. She was really grateful, which I wasn't expecting! Says that it is all really unclear (but not very good) and they won't know the exact situation until he has surgery. She sounds knackered and upset (understandably) but says that as soon as she knows anything concrete she'll call me and that she's really grateful for all the phone support I've been giving eldest DD. I wasn't expecting to have quite such positive contact. Thanks again to everyone who encouraged me - I feel like it was really the best thing to do for both of us!

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 11/09/2012 08:56

Oh that's great - glad that you've managed to make her feel supported, even by accident. She's probably exhausted with it all and quite relieved to have someone who has a level of care for her DH phone her.

I remember phoning my ex-MIL when I heard her husband was dying - she hated me but she was so touched that I'd phoned - she said to my ex that it was really kind and thoughtful of me. Made me glad I'd bothered.

Lolwhut · 11/09/2012 11:39

That is good, much nicer for everyone and much better for you DC's?

Hope everything goes ok with your Ex.

HappySeven · 11/09/2012 12:44

You both sound lovely and it's great she has the girls' interests at heart. I hope the op goes well and there's some good news soon.

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