to think there is favouritism?

[dontreallyknow]

Basically ILs seem to be showing favouritism to DN over DD, and its now at stage where its really starting to upset me, and I don't want DD to start picking it up.. There is only a week between DN and DD, both 2yo. DN parents split so DN stays with BIL at ILs every other weekend, and is absolutely spoilt rotten, ILs have toys galore, clothes as well as necessities for his stays, they take him out to farms/parks/shopping, and quite frankly seem to do more for him than BIL. FIL has his pic as wallpaper on laptop and photos adorn the house, even a name ornament in front room, they put on birthday parties for him, and any family gathering only takes place if he is there too. They are youngest of 6 grandchildren in all. As well as the excessive amounts of attention and spoiling, most discussions about DDs development result in a comparison to DN, often without me finishing what I wanted to say.. Even 'aww my poor DD hit her head, has a huge bump, have you seen it ?' 'DN hit his head too, oh he's always getting into scrapes bless him'. Potty training, talking, you name it, mostly all comes back to him.

Particularly hurts as we live a stones throw away, yet lucky to see them for an hr once a wk, mostly fortnightly, when we do see them, not much attention seems to be paid to DD, she is an excitable bubbly girl but gets shy when they arrive and hides in neck, she's soon out of her shell and bouncing round them, by which point, they are chatting away to DH and I, and don't particularly interact that much. Don't get me wrong, they do love her loads, and would probably be mortified to know how this is making me feel, but the facts speak for themselves .. DD was a long time coming after a 3yr struggle to have her so would of thought shed be seen/treated as the precious miracle we see her as, its the circumstance of DNs parents split that thrust him on them, but they are lavishing it. Unfortunately in the last yr DD has become quite clingy and as I said initially wary of them either at our or there house, but does eventually thaw out, I'm a SAHM so the few times I leave her, are now with DH as she's not having a bar of being left with them. I am thinking of forcing the issue just so she can get a bit more attention from them, but hate the idea of her being really upset and distressed, and that they would maybe feel even less warmth to her if she's shunning cuddles and near hysterical I'm not there. Therefore maybe better to just wait a matter of months til she's that bit older and communicating fully, and past the clingy stage, I almost feel like because she's like that with them they are not as warm to her,even subconsciously, yet they have 4DC and 6GC so surely have the knowledge and experience to know better? Incidentally she is not clingy around my mum, or friends, mainly them.

It sometimes makes me bubble with anger at the injustice, but mainly just hurts me so much, I just want my DD to have a great relationship with her GP and be doted on the way we dote on her and my mum does, especially as my dad passed away before we had her..

I don't know if I should address the issue, I know MIL would be horrified and deny favouritism but it is what it is... AIBU?

I prob wouldn't' raise it cos I think you'll get nowhere. I had same-my ds at under 3 told me gran loved cousins more than him. 10 yrs on he's great relationship with her

So, to summarise. DN parents have split. BIL moved back home. DN therefore stays at the ILs when BIL has his time with DN?

Read back your post and see how jealous you sound. You're jealous of a two year old boy whose parents have split up, whose dad doesnt have a home of his own. As DN spends more time with his GPs than your DD does it is fair to assume their relationship is going to be closer.

You complain about toys - is the child not supposed to have toys when he visits his father? Is he not allowed to have birthday parties when he's in his second home?

Read back your OP again. The ILs house is where his father lives.

You see your ILs an hour a fortnight and they live on your doorstep? Perhaps if you were a little more proactive, DH could take DD over more often, when BIL has DN and they can play together and the GPs can see her more often.

It sounds like they are trying to 'make up' for the face that his parents have split up.

It also sounds like you haven't allowed your pfb to spend much time with them.

You don't need to force the issue. Start small. Pop over, and when Dd has 'thawed' then say 'oh, I forgot, I have an errand to run, would you mind watching dd for ten minutes'. See how they get on.

I wonder if they speak about how you never want to leave your dd with them, and feel like you are holding that relationship back - as thats how it has come across to me.

I agree with jumping, I can't believe that you are complaining about photos on the wall in a child's home!

"precious miracle" - puhleese!

It may have bern a hard road for you to get there, but this dies not make you baby a precious miracle as far as anyone else is concerned. So you need to adjust your expectations.

Also, you say that more practical help is being offered by PILs to DGC whose parents have split up. So the current circumstances between the brothers are not the same, and thus has led to a different day to day role for them and they are enjoying it. Why shouldn't they?

The excess fuss made of children who aren't really hurt also annoys me, especially as it is far commoner with girls than boys. I think it's better if minor matters are dealt with bracingly - you clearly don't agree, but I mention it so you realise it's a mainstream view (incidentally, it's one of the boy/girl markers associated with early gender stereotyping and limiting roles for girls - have a think about that too).

And perhaps they are excellent, sensitive GPs who can see that your DD is nervous round them, so they are backing off until she's happier with them.

I think YABU, and suggest you ignore perceived slights and just let relationships develop naturally over time.

OP, I'm on the other side to you.

I have recently had to move in with my parents following a split from my DD's father. My DD is 3. We currently share a small double bedroom and she has a large toybox of toys in my parents lounge (as there is no room in the bedroom for them and all her other toys are currently stuck in storage). My parents are helping out financially and doing a lot of babysitting while I work and try and get us out of the financial mess my exDH left us in.

I would be devastated to think my DB thought my parents were giving us special treatment over their DS (who is nearly 2 and it took them 4 years to have him). My parents adore both their GC but right now they know that my DD needs support and kindness (she hasn't seen her Daddy for nearly a year).

I have just looked round and counted the number of photos of my DD and my DN and there are more pictures of my DD but that's because I have taken the time to get photos printed off and given to my parents (also most of the pictures of my DN are pictures that I have taken and printed for my parents!!).

So, in answer to your OP, yes YABU and I would suggest you put the green eyed monster away!

OP, I don't think you sound jealous at all. I do agree with some points in pp, but understand that it must be hard for you to see your DD treated differently from your DN. it prob isn't as extreme as you imagine it is, just seems so because of the amount of time DN spend there with his dad. And as you say, your ILs would be mortified if they knew what you thought , so it's not as if they are being nasty or disrespectful in any way. Its a hard one but unless your DD is picking up on it, I would leave it for now.

And having been through infertility treatment myself, I understand why you perceive your DD as your precious miracle. Mine is too.

You sound like you think everyone should treat your child as the second coming because it took you a while to have her. And as such you're jealous of a little boy. Just not nice, OP. and I'm sure you have time to see them more than you do. Maybe you pfb wouldn't be so shy around them if you made the effort. The world doesn't revolve around you and your child.

OP - for a second i wondered if you were my SIL! We have a very similar situation here (even down to there being 6 gc).

I know my BIL and his dc need support but it does seem a bit too much. For example when they are at IL's my MIL does all the getting up in the night, getting up with them in the morning, all the school drop offs, makes them tea and does all their washing. Every conversation about another gc just comes back around to them.
They also have a photo wall and to look at it you'd guess they only had 2 gc - the only photo the others appear in is a group photo.

So what i'm saying is I feel your pain. It is upsetting.

I appreciate they need help but imho it has gone too far. We are just trying to keep in touch by dropping round as much as we can but it's difficult as when the 2 staying there are at their mum's our IL's are 'childrened' out and try to put us off coming.

How would you feel if the gp organised a party for you dd, would that be exceptable or would that be pushy, I suspect it would be unreasonable of them.

You some a bit resentful of your inaws and I wonder if your dp feels stuck in the middle.

My dn is very shy and will burry her head in her mums hair, it hard to know what to do for the best as however I try to engage with her it seems to make matters worse so now I let her come to me, maybe that what the gps are doing. Maybe take her round more.

All children are mircles and all should be valued!

Your child is your precious miracle baby.

Expecting other people to feel the same way is incredibly strange.

On that basis alone, YABU. If that's how you feel others should treat your child, please be very careful you don't become blinkered and one of those 'my child can do no wrong' parents.

Yanbu IMO.

Different situation completely but my fil shows blatant favouritism and I hate him for it.

This is this little girls other home of course she is going to have toys and clothes there do you take your child to see them or do you wait till the arrive I am sure you could pop in so the cousins can play and get to know each other, your child is very precious to you but she doesn't have to be to everybody else, you sound jealous of a little girl and want the Ils to run to you ,pop round and see them might make their day

nephew not neice My post still stands but he is a little boy ,

We have this a bit in our family but I think it's with god intention. MIL does loads more for SIL and DN's than our family but SIL does need more help. I also think she makes a deliberate effort not to step on my toes where's SIL is her daughter so she won't mind so much etc.

I think your IL's are just trying to make their home feel like a real home to DN. I do understand why it upsets you though. Maybe if you became more involved and took DD to them you might feel better about the situation.

Every baby is a "precious miracle" those who took 10 years to conceive, those conceived on one night stands those conceived after 1 month ttc. Our baby took 2 years to conceive and to us my pregnancy is a miracle but I don't expect anyone else to think of it as more special than an easily conceived baby. Most of the time I forget how long we were ttc, now I just feel like I have a normal pregnancy and a normal baby, that is all I ever wanted not some special miracle child.

I think the grandparents living with DN will naturally make them closer to him than your DD. Have you ever given them any framed photos? I think you need to provide the photos if you want them on the wall. With 6 grandchildren I think it could turn into a gallery and naturally they will have photos of the child they live with as it is your DN's home. If you are a sahm why don't you make the effort to pop in twice a week for a cup of tea? maybe choose to go over when DN is not there.

I really think YABU, think about how nervous your DD is when she visits the grandparents, imagine how her life would be turned upside down if you and your DP split up and she had 2 homes, then habe a little empathy for your DN. Could you try and make a relationship with DN? maybe take both DD and DN to the park once a week.

My parents care for my DS's children for lots of weekends and all of every school holidays. They have their own bedroom, toys and clothes there and my DM buys them lovely new things all the time, has lots of photos of them up, etc.

I can cope with most of it because I don't have to see it so I just try to make sure my own DDs are not too aware.

There are a few things which are hard.

If we go out for a meal together they pay for my sister's children, I pay for mine. I don't know why this bothers me so much but it does.

My parents look after my nieces to save my DSIS paying for childcare (my DNs would rather be in childcare and go home each night) but when they are busy/tired/bored of having the girls around I am expected to offer free childcare to give them a break.

If I share any news about my own children it is always turned into a discussion about my sister's children in the next sentence. I also always have to hear how much harder things are for DSIS.

My parents will cook, clean, iron, shop, do DIY, etc for my DSIS, and then tell me all about it in great detail, but can't even take their own plates to the kitchen or put a bit of rubbish in the bin at my house.

Yes, my DSIS is a single mum but she earns a fortune and pays cleaners, gardeners, decorators, etc to preserve her leisure time. I do have a DH but we struggle financially and have two children with AS.

It is hard to swallow everything revolving around my DSIS and her children but even harder that they even dominate conversations when they are not present.

It is also hard to see my own children being treated like second class citizens just because they spend less time there so I can understand your emotions, OP, even if they can be described as jealousy of a two-year-old.

I have some of this with IL's. There are no special reasons for it either in our case (as in a family breakup to manage) but what I think it boils down to is that I think mil just gets on much better with bil & sil than dh and I are and is therefore closer to them and their family.

It makes me feel defensive because it's so glaringly obvious sometimes, but really in order to be treated the same we'd have to be much closer to her and tbh I can't see us ever being like that with each other.

I can see why you would be upset. When I had Ds1 his GP's told me they were too old for all looking after him or having him overnight. Fair enough I thought, they already had 7 other GC's they'd looked after (ds1 was born 7 years after the next youngest)

Them dh's brother had a son and they looked after him all the time, had him over to sleep etc. it was hard not to feel like we'd been snubbed. They still looked after dh's sisters kids after school too till they left school!

Yabu.
Your dn lives there. Of course they are going to be closer, of course there will be clothes and toys.
Honestly you sound very hard work.
My mum seems to favour my dd. However that's because when i had her i worked and mum had her 4 days a week. With my as, me and dh could work childcare between us.
Mums bond with dd is different to ds.
I think you need to realise 'equal' is not always 'fair'. Circumstances ances are different for everyone and i would say your dd is the lucky one.

Oh dear had a feeling I may be shot down in flames, it is obviously totally not the case I'm jealous of a 2yo boy, I just want my DD to have more quality time and play with her GP. FWIW I am very much trying to make it more pro active, see them more often.

Also to clarify BIL doesn't live with GP he lives with new Gf but his ex will only let DN stay at GP.

Sorry if the term precious miracle offends so many of you, but DD came after several losses so she is my miracle.

I'm very aware that GP are overcompensating, and also that DD shy.shyness may be making them keep distance to let her come to them, its just once she does, there is not exactly over exuberant reciprocation..

Basically I'm sure any of you like your DC and achievements to be acknowledged in their own right, and constantly hearing how DN does it this way, comparisons just make me a bit sad. MIL reguarly says all GC are to be treated equally, same amounts for christmas, birthdays, yet is not the case with DN, and his parents are both well off so not a question of helping out as has been said in prev posts.

I know once DD is older, past the shy stage for first 5min when initially seeing them, and most importantly fully talking, things should equal out.

It is obviously hard to judge a situation without every detail, and my OP may not be to clear, but basically visits tend to leave me feeling sad and a bit upset obo my DD. My DH shares the view, and so does my other SIL with my 3 older DN, that its all about DN. Her DC being older can make a more pro active approach so its not as bad, and am hoping this will eventually be the case with DD too. I don't want it to be the case DD starts picking it up, as my other DN have. The first post in reply to my OP states her DS felt his GM loved his cousins more, but now have a great relationship so. am hoping for the same. ILs are very lovely, and have been v supportive, I'm sure would be most upset if I raised the issue, so I won't, perhaps a tired midnight post on here wasn't the wisest decision on my part... Its not all black and white, but thanks to everyone for their replies and thoughts...

First of all, good on you for taking criticism with such grace. :)

I don't think anyone at all was offended that you view your DD as your precious miracle (I'm still MY mummy's precious miracle ) It was that you said you expected her to essentially be treated differently because of the fertility issues. I am very sorry for your losses, I empathise as I too suffer from fertility issues.
Again, So sorry for your losses.

I guess it just seems hypocritical that you feel DN is favoured but you're upset DD isn't treated as a precious miracle..Surely that implies preferential treatment? Or was it just poor wording.

My ILs and DP's each have 4 DGC including my DD. I believe that my parents and ILs treat their own children and their families all differently depending on the circumstances of each family I don't view this as favouritism but it can sometimes mean my Dnephew's and Dniece's spend more time with their grandparents, they receive more gifts etc... I don't care as long as I am doing the best I can for my DD!!

After reading your 2nd post I've changed my mine, particularly if bil doesn't live there I think that changes my view a lot.

My mil often talks about one gc a lot, I just let her carry on and when she gets to the end I say, and your other gc? I think this has shamed her a bit. But I have also been very direct and said that I think you treat bil children differently (brother and sister) and although the brother might not be aware he will one day.

I have been very clear that I think she should treat them all the same. When my Dcs get older then they will be treated equally, not nesscessary the same but with equal concern iykwim,

Next time you're round there ask why dd doesn't have a name plate?