Blackmail

[forgettherules]

I've just joined mumsnet but have been an admirer from afar for many years, driven to join now as my DD has just taken me to the end of my tether. She's nearly 18 so should probably be beyond this but no such luck. I'm a single mum (widowed 8 years ago and still single). Her older sister has just moved out and so its just the two of us at home. My biggest gripe is she does NOTHING around the house - AT ALL! So all I seem to do is nag - it's not just her bedroom, its every room in the house and the garden. Every where she goes she leaves a trail of mess. What almost makes it worse is that she has until recently been a great girl - all my friends used to envy me! She does no washing, washing up, cleaning, ironing, I could go on forever. She won't even bring down cups or glasses from her bedroom. I have to get them because I run out. My biggest worry is this -she says my nagging is the reason she's not doing as well as she could do at school and that I'm the reason why she's so difficult and why she won't get the grades she needs. I now have to do very little for her apart from make sure she has school uniform and good food, I won't give her money any more but she doesn't seem to need it as she has a good Saturday job and does babysitting, which seems sufficient to fuel her very active social life. I can't carry on like this, I have a very busy full time job and yet I come home to a pig sty and resent sharing my home with someone who takes no responsibility for it at all. AIBU?

She's not doing well at school because she has an active social life. Something has to give and she finds it easier to blame you than give that up. Why do you need to make sure she has uniform and food? See how long she lasts doing her own washing and cooking her own tea, she is an adult after all.

I think you might need to re-frame your relationship. She is 17 so doesn't need to be nagged. What she needs to do is understand why people in a family contribute. Can you sit down with her and have a real conversation about being a family, division of labour and what she thinks is fair for her to do. Then hold her to it. Let her some up with sanctions and consequences if she doesn't do as she says.

Also, my dd 17 has just started college, so I DO sympathise and I'm not being judgy. I know it's a hellish age. BUT, you need to be tough. She's not a child anymore.

Oh by the way, why is this called 'blackmail'?

Thanks jeezlouise, good point about social life! Blackmail because I feel she's holding failure at school down to me and if I stopped 'nagging' her she would do better, maybe bribery would have been a better title.

Thanks - really good point, I just need to pick my moment.