Do I potentionally worry my friend about her childs health/development

[barmysarmy]

I writing this due to concerns I have about my friends 18 month old DD.

The child concerned was very slow to develop but by the age of 18 months has reached all the 'normal' milestones. She is a friendly little girl with smiles for everyone but shows some very strange behaviour at times for example- she hates to be touched, gets obsessions with certain objects, looks through people- not at them, has abnormal fears, very limited speech (although can repeat certain words said to her) cant follow basic instructions, constantly isolates herself and often has vacant episodes where she stares in space for 5 minutes or more.
I appreciate that she is only 18 months old and a lot of the behaviour I have described can be normal behaviour for such a small child but I cant help feeling uneasy and sensing that theres something not quite right.

Today at baby group, she had a vacant episode on top of a slide and almost fell off, Would I be wrong to assume this can be a sign of epilepsy? Would it be wrong to mention these concerns to her mum?

As a side note, Her health visitor has had concerns about this child due to her her not developing as she should at her 9 month review but my friend wont attend any follow up appointments, told the health visitor she is fine and is a very proud person.

I dont think she would appreciate me telling her my concerns but on the other hand I wouldnt want anything to happen to the child if my concerns about epilepsy/autism are right.

I am no expert although I have a degree in early years and 3 children of my own.

Should I watch from the sidelines or say something to my friend and potentially upset her. Rally stuck dont know what to do.

Please don't say anything to your friend - it really is not your place to assess your friend's child for special needs. My son has suspected autism - he is very high functioning and we have told no one - if a friend approached me with concerns about him I really wouldn't know what to say to them and would probably feel awkward and that they had stepped out of line. In short, it would not be good for the friendship. Be sensitive to your friend, coming to terms with having a child with (possible) special needs is a process, which often starts with denial.

Hi all just to state I worked in an autism assessment unit for many years and I agree that all kids are different and have different quirks its not really this I am worried about though I do see the signs in this child I appreciate its not my place to pass judgement or offer my opinion.

Its the vacant episodes that worry me as It can be a sign of epilepsy,I appreciate my ignorance in this but I am wondering whether to pass my concerns on to my friend, as I would hate to think this child could come to any harm.

keep your opinions to yourself and be there for your friend when the wotsit hits the fan.

You should definitely mention it, IMO. If the vacant episodes are due to seizure activity then that in itself could be delaying the childs development, and treatment may help reduce the impact of this. If she has a 2 year check and it isnt mentioned by the mother or observed during the appointment then the HV won't know.

Absences
Absence seizures mainly affect children. They cause the child to lose awareness of their surroundings for up to 20 seconds. The child will seem to stare vacantly into space, although some children will flutter their eyes or smack their lips. The child will have no memory of the seizure.

Absences can occur several times a day. Although they are not dangerous, they may affect the child's performance at school.

thats from the NHS website.

I don't think the main issue here is "does this toddler have SN", the main issue is that the child is apparently displaying acute medical symptoms - these absent episodes could be could be symptoms of serious illness and need URGENT assessment.
If you saw you friends DC vomit blood, would you encourage her to take him to the dr RIGHT NOW or would you think it none of your business? To me, you description of "absence" during play almost causing the child to fall off a slide, is at least as serious as that.
This child needs assessed sooner, not later.

Well mcHappy yes but - not dangerous if there is no dangerous underlying cause, which would not be known until tests were done.

No, from experience I would say nothing. I wonder if you can ring up the HV team and tell them you are concerned and why. I think someone suggested this earlier.

It is not your responsibility to tell your friend, as long as you have no real concerns over the way her child is being looked after - if she noticed the episodes then she is probably looking after her dd Ok.

I honestly don't think that your intervention would help in this situation. I sympathise but sometimes you just have to let things go.

The mother might not be aware that the absences could be a form of epilepsy.

The daughter of very good friends was clearly severely autistic from a young age - DH with his experience of school spotted it before she was one. Parents - particularly mother (SAHD) - in total denial. We broached the subject in terms of other children we knew and where possible corrected the child's behaviour : which caused a bit of a rift for a while.
Then the child went to school and was immediately assessed and assisted.
Mother stayed in denial sill well into year 1
But once she accepted it, the school could do more, Dad could do more. We could do more.

BUT you have to let the mother realise what needs doing in their own time.

Unless the child is in significant danger I think it's going to be counter productive to mention it. I'm not a professional by any means. I just think that it will knacker the friendship, upset the child's mother even more, and possibly push her further into denial if she is indeed in it.

It's strange to me - I am the opposite, I was convinced that ds2 had something wrong with him, he had several red flags for autism but in the end he seems fairly ordinary - if a little bit odd

I remember asking if they could test him for such and such. HV was not remotely worried and I was, weirdly, a bit disappointed as it was all so interesting and I love to diagnose things. But obv glad he is alright.

I wouldn't say anything about the autism worries because you are not an expert, nothing urgently needs to be done and you would worry the mother horribly.
The absence thing I'm not sure about.Some children, even at this age, are little thinkers and often away with the fairies.I find it hard to believe he stood at the top of the slide for 5 whole minutes staring into space , nearly toppling off and no-one but you noticed. Also you say he nEARLY fell off.So presumably did right himself when he started to topple.Would he have been able to do that if 'absent'? I don't know !

She sat there unmoving,I didnt say she was stood there and was staring in to space with one leg underneath her, in an unbalanced state if you see what I mean, I couldnt tell you how long for though there were a couple of children behind her waiting, she did right herself and go down the slide as normal. Her mother did notice and comment, bUt seems to think its one of her quirks.

I would say something. You sound like a very caring, sensitive friend and that may make all the difference in approaching her in comparison to an HV- she may have worried she was being judged by the health professionals, they may not have had the time to broach it sensitively.

Worries about being on the autistic spectrum/SN are one thing (and possibly a red herring here), a potential medical condition is a completely different prospect. It may be nothing but vacant episodes should be investigated to rule out anything more serious. Seizures can be caused by all sorts of things and could be related to another underlying condition that could worsen if left untreated. Your friend may be a bit anxious about seeking help, a bit of hand holding from you may be appreciated. All depends how you phrase it, I agree with previous poster who said she might be more receptive to general medical check than reviews for developmental delays. Good luck!

Sounds like my neighbours child who plays here a lot. My dh is a sen teacher and knows but we know our neighbour is in denial. We don't comment.

When my DD was young, I thought there was something, but was fobbed off. When she was eventually diagnosed with SN, someone said 'I suspected but was told not to mention it.'

I was so hurt that someone had the power to validate my concerns and choose not to.

DD now goes to special school.

I agree that 18 months is too young to worry much about language...I do understand though...my friend's 2 year old is a concern to me but I can'' say anything as she'd be annoyed I think.

Similar thing with the vacant episodes and not looking at people...not responding to name or liking touch.

i have decded to leave it and wait till an expert notices..imagine if I am wrong and her son is fine! She'd be offended.

Lougle I am afraid to tell my mate about my concerns as when I asked her about his language development she was very defensive. I asked in a roundabout way but she kept saying "I'm not worried...I'm not worried."

NCForNow, if she is actively saying that, she's either in denial, knows it's an issue but can't cope with talking about it, or really not worried

That's all you can do.

I was saying that I didn't have the opportunity to 'be in denial' or 'to be defensive' because no-one treated me with the respect to say what they had noticed, or even ask in a round about way.

I was told by the HV, Physio, etc that I was being neurotic and she was fine. She started preschool and they immediately (well, after 6 weeks, where they had compiled evidence) said she was so behind that she needed 1:1, and from there we got a diagnosis of a brain malformation with epilepsy, and she now goes to special school.

I can tell you that from my experience, being repeatedly told that you are imagining your child's differences and then suddenly having a whirlwind of professional input and having it acknowledged that a MS setting isn't suitable for your child is far more distressing than a trusted friend raising an interest in the way your child does x, y, z.

But, as I say, if you have mentioned his speech, and she is defensive, you just have to wait.

Yes...I think that when he goes to preschool in September next year, it will be picked up on. It wont make much difference I suppose...I just worry that she could catch something and help him earlier is all.

Sorry to hijack OP...I wanted to tell you about my similar situation. It's SO hard. Your instinct could b right....as could mine...i just keep saying "He's not my child."

nd then I think that I have no right to go on to my mate and worry her potentially with no reason.

I have been in this situation twice and neither time did I say anything. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it seemed to be the right decision at the time. I would only say something if asked.

If she actually noticed and commented couldn't you just say to her

"you know I've been thinking about what happened the other day. I've noticed it a few other times too. It's probably nothing but is it worth getting it checked out at the doctors in case its' epilepsy - just to be on the safe side?"

Then you've voiced your concern but at the end of the day it's up to her.

The absences you describe could be Autism related but I understand your concerns.The thing is, telling your friend your concerns is clearly not going to achieve anything. She is clearly well aware of her child's differences and isn't ready to face them yet.

Maybe what she needs is a really good friend to take her out, get to know her better and provide a listening ear when she's ready to talk.

She might have other issues in her life that she needs to deal with before she can take this on board.

She might just feel that if she accepts her daughter's differences she will be acknowledging that her family isn't perfect and doesn't have the confidence to let that happen.

When my DD1 was 18 months old I was in the depths of PND. If someone had suggested she had AS at that point it may have tipped me over the edge. I already felt like everyone was looking for things to criticise about my parenting. Years later when she was diagnosed I was much better able to cope with it.

Take her out for a few drinks and get together with your DCs a few times. Look for and comment on the positives you see in her DD and their relationship whenever you can and let her decide whether to confide in you when she's ready.

In the meantime try really hard not to give her any reason to feel that other mums are talking about her DD behind her back. It will make a difficult situation an awful lot worse for her.

I think shewhowines has come up with a good formula - if you come at it from a concerned-about-accidents way rather than a concerned-for-development way then your friend might find it easier to hear your message.