To feel completely helpless?

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

Just been to visit my DM and on the way out we walked past her NDNs only to find him (a burly 6ft+ boxer) cornering her (a slim little petite 5ft nothing type) behind their kids trampoline whilst screaming at her. She looked terrified. He was calling her a smackhead, threatening to massacre her whole family, their three kids (7, 5 and 2) were absolutely hysterical.

As we passed him, he turned on me and my DM and informed us that 'any fucking neighbours who call the fucking police are gunna get fucking whacked n'all'.

Charming.

I had 8mo DS with me, DM had my 9yo DB with her. We just got in our cars and left, quickly.

AIBU to feel like absolute shit? I feel so sorry for her and the DCs but there's no way I'll phone in a complaint against him in case he makes good on his threat, after all, he knows exactly where DM lives.

WWYD in this situation? I think she's genuinely terrified of him. She's left a few times but always comes back [sigh].

What does NDN mean?

Next Door Neighbour.

Those poor children, please do call the police i can understand youre concerned about possible consequences for your mum but those children need someone to stand up for them.

Their father is a hideous bully and their mother is doing fuck all to get them away from him.

Because, truly, it is only the children who are actually 'helpless' here

Thanks.

Thing is, even if you did report it to the police I doubt anything would be done cos his partner won't press charges. I think the police only could if they ended up in hospital with a doctors report to corroborate.

Does your mum speak to the woman?

Ringing the NSPCC is a good idea. There may be concerns at school too & that would add more to the file so that something is more likely to be done.

Sometimes it's easy to say call the Police because that it exactly what you should do. I don't say this lightly. I called the Police for my neighbour (block of flats) when he abused his GF. I made it clear the the Police that I wanted to be anonymous and they kept it that way. I was also asked to testify against a murderer on Court. I agreed to do so. Thank goodness he pleaded guilty before the trial so I didn't have to but I was willing to.

I hope that if someone targets me, someone else will help.

Call social services if you can't phone the police.

The police can prosecute without the victims consent in cases like this. The reason for this is because so many victims of DV are too afraid to make a complaint.

I would've called the police. At the very least they will know about the incident. Even if they don't prosecute on this occasion they can offer her support. Chances are they are already aware of the whole situation and the more people that come forward to report this the more chance of getting a successful prosecution.

I suffered an incident of violence with an ex p years ago. I ran out in the street in my nightgown screaming for help. People opened their doors looked at me and slowly shut them. Eventually after an eternity a young student man came to help me at which point I was hysterical.
This was in holland park the most elite and sought after locations in the world.

The young man told me his mother suffered the same when he was a boy and called the police. I will never forget his kindness.

The police can prosecute without the victims consent in cases like this

In this instance what would the crime be? was there a physical assault?

I know about the law and not needing the victims consent but how would that work in a case like this?

I wouldn't have phoned the police, cowardly as that may seem, my priority in that situation would be my own family. There is no way I would put them at risk, especially a mother and a nine year old, who deserves as much protection as the other children do.

The woman will make the call herself when she's ready.

Next time?
Best hope she's still there.
It's not for you to decide whether or not the police might do something, call them!

I know you're scared,but how can you sleep tonight thinking of them?

CALL THE POLICE - ^please*!

I meant general domestic violence cases. Although he has comitted an offence of threats to kill. As I said the police will use all the information available and I expect there has been physical violence in the past so it all builds up the evidence.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, but YABU if you don't take any action.

What does your DM feel should be done about the situation?
Now you know about it, you can't walk away and do nothing, but I can see how you need to balance a very desperate family's need for help against protecting your own from physical or emotional abuse.

I know that personally, if it was just me that the abuser had threatened, I would report and have no problem doing so.
The problem is the situation you're in is that, potentially, you could put people you care about in a risk situation by doing so.

Maybe call either the NSPCC or the police to discuss the situation prior to formally reporting? Given their expertise, they are likely to find something that can help the NDN's family while protecting yours.

The woman may never get to call.

On average a victim of domestic violence will be assaulted 35 times before they go to the police. Even then most of them will withdraw their statements within a few days. This is why it is important to prosecute without them making a statement.

YANBU to feel shit. I would have called the police, I think. But I'm not there, I'm not you and I don't live near that arsehole. I would definitely report to NSPCC and I would seriously reconsider calling the police.

A mum I knew by sight was murdered by her ex, along with her brother, 12 year old daughter and five year old son, who attended my children's school. She was a neighbour of my mum's. The whole community was devastated

I so wish that somebody could have alerted the authorities earlier. I wouldn't have thought twice about it if I'd had the chance.

Yrbu, call the police or at least ss. I'm not quite sure how you can sleep if you do not to be honest. As others as pointed out it isn't up to the 'victim' anymore if they press charges. The women and her kids need help, you can help them get it.

Sorry, yabu.