to be feeling sad about my MIL

[newmummytobe79]

I have a pretty good relationship with my inlaws but I'm finding my MIL's behaviour is making me sad.

This has raised it's head since the arrival of DC.

She seems jealous of my relationship with my mum, although she has a DD and GC from her so it's not a PFB GC issue.

I make an effort to visit each week, but at a recent family gathering she seemed to not want baby to be held by my family members. My mum has commented on her ways before and makes a consious effort to let DC spend the majority of time with my MIL as my mum does in all honesty get to see baby more often - because I want to see my parents more often.

I offered her babies feed, which she seemed happy about, but it's like I'm just not doing enough.

I do see my parents more often, but that's because they're MY parents and we're very close. It's very similar to her relationship with her daughter.

It's not huge things, just small digs ... but they're all adding up in my head.

She often tells me about the issues she has with her DD's friends and inlaws which make me paranoid that she's talking about me and my family to others. I try not to get involved with any bitching and just listen, but it's as if she's warning me not to behave like they do.

I know she adores baby, but I feel a bit smothered and although I feel dreadful saying this - I look forward to their holidays so I can have a week off.

I know she loves DC, which I'm very grateful for, but she seems so competitive and overly fusses over DC.

I don't ever express my upset at the digs, but they do get me down. Some days I just let them wash over me but others I get sad/anxious about them - like I'm not good enough.

I'll feel really bad writing this if the next time I see her she's very sweet to me, which she can be, and often buys me small gifts, but I can't help feeling that I have to 'behave' and let things go because she's bought me something.

DH often says that he thinks she says things to get people's backs up and provoke a reaction - but I hate confrontation and don't want to upset her, as after all she is my DH's mum and my DC's GM.

Do I just need to toughen up a bit?

you do need to toughen up a lot and practice the sentance "mil your hogging the baby let dc be"

Just don't get drawn in, especially as your DH can see what she's doing. Some people need the attention, all of it all the time. Just carry on visiting both sets of GP as you have been and let her comments go. My MIL is similar in terms of talking about people, I view this as being very much her problem rather than mine. She definitely tried favouring me over the other SIL at first, which was supposed to cause friction, but I ignored her and so she found another target.

Agree she sounds like she needs to be centre of attention. That's her problem, not yours. As is her jealously re your relationship with your mum.

Your MIL just has to accept that you are naturally going to be closer to your own mum and just get on with it. You should not make any extra effort to keep her happy, just be normal. x

You could be writing about my MIL. No advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

100% toughen up. It does sound very much like being over sensitive to me. Basically she fusses too much and gossips. Unless there are actual digs at you not your interpretation of her moaning about someone else as a warning to you. She is family now and deserves some tolerance. If she is rude, tell her so in a kind way.

You are being fair, allowing MIL to be involved and spend time with baby. There's nothing more you can do. Just carry on being fair and try to ignore the drama she is trying to cause.

You don't have to change your behaviour to please her. She's responsible for her own sense of satisfaction as a grandmother, not you.

"I don't ever express my upset at the digs"
What kind of things is she saying to make you feel this way?

Would the MN phrase "Did you mean to sound so rude?" be too confrontational for you? You could soften it to "It upsets me that you think that." or somesuch. Although that does shift the responsibility from her (for being rude) to you (for being upset-able) IYSWIM so is not so good.

But I do feel you should not let it pass. I always feel that if someone is allowed to get away with such behaviour it simply emboldens them to continue/get worse.