Public face v Private Reality ..

[dazzledsazzle]

Context: Having had a pretty rubbish childhood, I'm very introvert, anxious & socially challenged - with massive trust issues. As this was a problem in my early work career (comments like 'too timid' & 'doesn't integrate' & I was getting passed over for promotion), I told myself to get a grip & developed a work 'persona' thats social, confident etc etc. It worked: I got better jobs & a work support network of friends/colleagues.

This 'front' helped me in other areas so it became a coping strategy. But at home and w. people close I'm my introvert self. The thing is, my public 'front' has become a double edged sword. Half of me wants to be that person all the time because people seem to like it and its got me results at work & half of me deeply resents 'having' to be like that to get ahead. Relationship wise its been disastrous as the men I meet, usually meet me when i have the 'front' on. So when they find out what I'm really like they lose interest because what they want is confident, social etc but what they get just isn't. They probably feel cheated: & I feel a fraud.

Is it normal to have such an extremely different public and private face? I seem to swing wildly between two extremes. I'm like two different people. The fact that the public face is so successful makes me question whether I should stop it (& how). But personally it isn't working (ie. men). I also find it exhausting pretending that nothing fazes me tbh. Or am I overthinking it and need a slap ?

I don't have anything particularly helpful to say, other than I think a lot of people wear numerous 'hats'. I know I'm a bit different with my family (where I'm a daughter, sister, granddaughter, whatever) then when I'm with friends, and different again when I'm with DH on our own. I think a bit of a front is 'normal'.

Personally, I have a confident public face and am neurotic less feisty when it's just me and friends or DH who knows me well. That said, it sounds like you aren't happy with this division of self. At the risk of asking the obvious, have you thought about some sort of talking therapy to reconcile the two faces of you?

As GilbGeekette says, most people have subtly different personas they adopt depending on the situation. But I think the thing to recognise is that, for most people, those personas are simply "them" with a few particular aspects of their core personality turned up or turned down as appropriate. They're not completely different people.

Eg, when I'm at work I'm a bit more serious and grown-up and less playful. When I'm with the kids, then I'm more playful but with an authoritarian edge (when needed). When I'm with DP I don't need the authoritarian stuff etc.

But they're all aspects of my core character. I just emphasise the bits I need and de-emphasise the bits I don't depending on where I am, what I'm doing and what is required.

I think counselling could be excellent for you to help explore this and come up with a "you" that you feel comfortable with and that actually reflects you.

I think what you describe is not unusual. I can see it in myself. Sometimes I think I come across as fearless whereas other times I am quite the wuss. I don't see either side as fake or false. It's just me behaving differently in different situations.

I have not got any advice, sorry. do you have any RL friends you can talk too.
Maybe you ate over thinking it but I really don't know. Are all the men you meet work related? Can you concentrate on hobbies or activities away from work and see what happens?

Most people have a public and private face, but when they are world's apart then it is very, very stressful to maintain both. You're natural self is just that - yourself. So what needs to change is your work persona. At its most extreme form, that could involve changing jobs or career. If that's not possible, you need to actively seek ways to 'dial up' your own personality while 'dialling down' the work one. The act of doing this can make you feel more in control as well, which can then make you feel better all round.

If you really are 'stuck' and can't make changes, then you need to find ways of relaxing and reconnecting, eg yoga, meditation. You could also look for hobbies or activities that are more linked to your 'real' self which in turn could lead to different friendship groups (and new men ) who will meet you in your preferred state and therefore like you for your true self.

I totally have a public face and a private face.

In public I am fairly confident and outgoing.

In private I'm a major introvert and shy.

I've been working hard on integrating the two!