to feel this was uncalled for?

[extremepie]

I have recently moved 200-odd miles away from DH and DS's to start a new job. Things have been ok mostly but I do find it very difficult being away from them and as such am feeling a bit more 'fragile' emotionally at the moment.

Recently, I was late to work and was told off by my boss - no issues there, I was late and was rightly reprimanded but I was having a bad day and I went into the loo to have a little cry, blow off some steam and clear my head.

On returning to the kitchen (that's where I work), my co-worker noticed I was a bit upset and suggested I take a 5-minute break, have a drink and get some fresh air. It was very quiet at the time and all our tasks had been completed so I stepped outside to dry my face off and calm down.

My boss then sees me outside and barks 'You better pull yourself together, I'm not paying you to sit there and cry' at me.

I was really upset by this - it is the most recent of several snide comments he has made to me over the last couple of days but I felt like this was uncalled for. Surely he could have made his point a different way? Other members of staff are allowed 5 minute fag breaks all the time so why am I not allowed a 5 minute break just because I don't smoke?

I was just really irritated by his attitude, as there was no need for him to speak to me like that - WHBU or AIBU and overly sensitive?

Some people have the sensitivity of a brick. I think he was being rude, I hope you're OK

I do think he was unnecessarily harsh, but have a look at it from his point of view

You have only recently started
You were late in
You took time out to have a cry in the loos
He then found you having further time out outside to gather yourself

I think i would have come back with a brave face on and said, "yes, grip firmly got now, - sorry about this" to indicate to him that this is not something you will make a habit of.

Sorry you're having an unsettling time though,

No, you are not being unreasonable, he sounds like a wanker.

Sounds like hells kitchen

but really in a new job being late, crying in the loos having a break outside jut after

It's not overly professional and overall you were told off twice legitimately

He could have spoken more gently but he doesn't have to

Have a ((((cuddle)))), it must be so hard being away from your family. I do think your boss was unnecessarily unkind. Just be on time and keep your head down for a bit, it will be OK.

Next time he has a go at you, just picture him on the toilet.

I do accept that he was justified in telling me off but I just didn't feel it was necessary for him to be that nasty about it!

I think its just the build up off stress over that last month (that's when I started) is beginning to take its toll - especially when he's constantly making little 'remarks' about how, if I waste too much food (which I haven't actually done yet), then my job won't be there anymore, or how he 'refuses to carry me', or hovering over me and watching me every time I use a knife.

I don't care tells me off for things I've done wrong (like being late) but he tells me off before I've done anything wrong!

Like I said, I feel like I'm being a bit too sensitive but I also feel that him making all these digs at me is not helping!

My boss tells me I'm not there to talk

It's
True

He doesn't pay you to cry

He was trying to tell you to pull yourself together and get on with it

If he had threatened
To sack you it would have been ott but
'I don't pay you to cry' seems like a normal thing to say

I don't
Mean that to sound awful btw

I think that you are already vulnerable and upset so may be taking that incident the wrong way.

But seems there
Is more to this really

Seems to me this job isn't worth travelling 200-odd miles for! I get the impression that working in a kitchen there is that kind of environment, though? I hate the inequity in some places with fag breaks though - it really annoys me.

He sounds very insensitive

But he is trying to run a business I suppose

Do people still have cigarette breaks in the workplace other than during their tea/lunch breaks?

I had no idea...I thought that had all stopped now. I think you would be within your rights to bring this up with him.

Sounds like a bit of a tosser if you ask me. Some people do just get off on having a little power trip when there's a new person in the firing line.

Just say to yourself "shake it off extremepie...he probably has a very small penis"

He sounds like a proper bellend.

I think the telling off for lateness was justified, as you have already admitted, but his words when you were crying seem uncaring and unnecessary. It would have been better for him to say "Can you come back into the kitchen as soon as possible please?" to make his point.

I used to work for a knob like that, sympathies.

Usedtobe is undoubtedly correct

Honestly I think you are being a bit sensitive.

He told you off for being late. Then as a result of you being emotional about it you spent more time crying about it and gathering yourself together, time which he is paying you to work in.

He could have been nicer about it, but really your personal circumstances aren't his problem, he pays you to do a job.

It doesn't sound like you are very happy there (both in your job and with being 200 miles away). I hope things get easier for you OP.

It sounds to me like he's preparing you for what is undoubtedly a tough job. He may have had employees in the past leave because they couldn't deal with the pressure, but he's taken a risk on you and may now be wondering if it was worth it.
I think you need to prove to him that you can do it, so for the rest of this month just keep your head down, banish all thoughts of your family from your mind whilst at work and be the best you have ever been.

I've had this before and whilst at the time I felt they were being nasty and cruel, afterwards when it was too late and I had left, they told me they were just trying to toughen me up in preparation for a tough role. They had to because they go through so many staff and it's a right pain.

So yes, it may seem cruel and horrible but take it as a warning about the job, it's nothing personal. If you think you can hack it then go all out to prove that.

You have my sympathies op, he sounds like a right knobber.

Of course you shouldn't have been late that's a given, but when I was a manager if any of my staff had been that upset about a simple bollocking I would have been concerned initially.

If I was him, when I saw you outside still visibly upset I would have wanted to talk to you and find out why. It isn't normal to get that upset about a simple thing so either you are a drama llama or there's something else going on.

It's a manger's job to find that out!

To me it seems the sacrifices you made for this job may just be too big.

Fwiw I cried in work once, my area manager was being vile, really vile. I could feel myself welling up so went to the toilet, composed myself, and carried on.

I later found out she was telling people that I burst into tears every time she visited! Still makes me

Just be aware op, no job is worth your happiness x

He sounds like a twat! Is is a very well paid job? part of a career ladder? becaue im not sure it is worth all the sacrifices you are having to make if it is just a make ends meet type job.

It sounds like you have chosen to work in a high pressure environment, i do think you are going to have to save your emotions for when you go home :(

If it were me and he hovvered over me whilst i had a knife, id be in danger of either a) becoming flustered and cutting myself or b) stabbing him in the eye - if him hoverring you stresses you out and makes you less likely to be able to do your job properly you are well within your rights to tell him, politely, to fuck off and let you do your job, if he has problems with delegation, thats his problem, he shoudlnt be makin it yours.

He was right. We have a group of women in a different department who sit behind us at work who use any excuse to go off and have a good cry which is the cue for the whole department of six to huddle around clucking and simpering. Reasons for the tears include stressing about boyfriend not booking a nice enough hotel on a surprise weekend away. It really fucks me (and plenty of other people) off when the rest of us are too busy to find to even make a cup of tea most days.

Also, and I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but keep your tears when you are alone. Generally speaking the workplace isn't the place for them.

He probably had concerns about employing a woman who would be leaving her family so far away, but he took a chance on you and did it anyway only to find that it is indeed a big issue and now he's worried he's made a mistake.

He was rude and insensitive, but not wrong to feel the way he did.

If I'm reading it right, and you work in a restaurant kitchen for a very good/well-known restaurant (assuming it is because you moved 200 miles to work there when there are probably similar but less-prestigious career opportunities closer to home)...

YABU. Working in a kitchen like that means performing under pressure, and o matter what the stresses are you have to perform. Your boss will test you and push you to make sure that you aren't caving under pressure, because you're a new hire and he needs to see what you are made of. One weak link lets the whole team down. You may well have the skills, but so do lots of others and at this point it's down to whether you have the mental strength to get on with it.

You were late, you went off to cry, then you went outside on break to cry - all in one morning. You're not showing yourself in your best light. You have to learn to leave your troubles at the door and go in prepared to do your best. It's not easy and you won't always succeed (I don't!) but this early in the job you should be looking to impress, and instead you are bringing all your baggage to work with you. It doesn't look good for your longevity at this job. (Wo)man up, amd get on with it, and save your tears from home and a big glass of . Otherwise it's inappropriate emotion and your boss will find it and you too much to deal with. Best of luck now.

Hi OP,
I've been in a similar high-pressure, high aggression kitchen with a very masculine, hard working, cocaine snorting, work 15 hours a day and show-no-weakness atmosphere. Unlike you I was young, free and single so had no home life to be missing so loved it. I doubt they have had many women with children in the kitchen before. Are you on the pastry or main kitchen ?
Unfortunately arsehole head & sous chefs are par for the course in pressure-cooker kitchens (I'm guessing you've gone somewhere good to move 200 miles or you're agency ?). When I was an apprentice I did spend an awful lot of time in the loos crying as the chef de partie (I was a pastry chef) loathed me and just loved to upset me. I dealt with it by growing a massive pair of balls and becoming as gobby as the boys. Whether you think it's worth being unhappy and separated from your family is another matter

Very unmumsnetty hugs.