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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a little dispondant that this is my lot?

22 replies

wackymumofone · 09/09/2012 21:16

Firstly let me apologise for spelling (dyslexia) and I wish to make it clear that I'm not looking for sympathy but I have been having thoughts for a while that at the age of 28 this is my lot

My PFB was born 11 months ago, he is amazing and I wouldn't change him for the world but his dad fucked off to another country as soon as I told him I ws pregnant, I've coped well, I'm employed full time in a professional role and bring home approx £33K however to afford this I have to put my PFB in nursery, nursery are fantastic btw but I now feel like my life is work, get ready for bed, sleep, I've no real spare time to spend with PFB apart from weekends which I try to fill with as many experiances as I can

Sorry I'm ranting but I feel like I don't have any me time - Is this amazingly selfish? All the mother and baby groups are during the week which I can't attend, I've no friends here (had to relocate from London when I had PFB) so my evenings once I've got baby to bed are desperatly lonely , Has anyone been in this situation? Any advise or tips?

Thanks

OP posts:

watermargin · 09/09/2012 21:19

I suppose I'm like this a bit, I was never in a relationship wih my baby's dad and now its just the two of us but I love it so no useful advice x

soverylucky · 09/09/2012 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

numbertaker · 09/09/2012 21:21

I don't think you are selfish, I think you are doing a good job in a hard situation. It sounds like you have the get up and go to make it work. What you need to do is to connect with some other peeps, maybe single mums as they will have a better understanding of your issues, and will be more interested in meeting up in the evenings, or maybe doing holidays together. What about finding out about the local groups and booking a holiday and staying at home and attending the groups, look for a group specifically for single parents maybe.

You baby is very young, it will get easier. Have you got parents that can come down to babysit so you can get out more? Don't worry, things like this always pass and there is always another corner down the road. Most probably you will meet somone, get married and have more kids in a few years, your doing a good job, keep going and look forward. xx

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 09/09/2012 21:23

YANBU, what a loser that man must be. Have another look at toddler activities for when your DS is a bit bigger though. Around here (not London) there are Saturday morning classes on for things like toddler gym, mum & baby swimming lessons, toddler football skills etc. Another good place to take him might be to a family-friendly church on a Sunday morning - lots of squash, biscuits, toys and other families!

DorothyGherkins · 09/09/2012 21:24

The first few years are so so hard. Thats with two parents - I cant imagine how hard it is when you are the sole parent. Just hang on in there, is all I can say! The days, weeks, months are relentless when they are tiny. As they get easier, I am sure you will get more from life. My own children are grown up and left home now, I cant believe they were ever babies, the time passes so quickly. I cant give you much advice, just loads of sympathy. I m sure your lives will improve. But, hard as it may seem to believe at the moment, you have one of the greatest gifts in life.

Hassled · 09/09/2012 21:28

Your lot is your career and your baby. And your career can be enjoyable/rewarding/stimulating - do you have all that? Is there anything you could change to make it be like that? It could be something you look forward to going to, rather than another day at the coalface. Do you need to rethink that side of things - any career changes, maybe?

And your baby - well, they make for far better companions as they get older. An 11 month old isn't really company - but an inquisitive 2 year old certainly is. It will feel less like you alone against the world and more like the two of you together in a while.

I do know the working to live drudge - it is soul-destroying. But you're doing bloody well. You just need to find ways to put a bit of pleasure in your life - and if you can't get out, then online forums are as good a place as any. What interests you? There are online book clubs, all sorts. Any single parent groups at weekends?

Original poster

wackymumofone · 09/09/2012 21:30

Thank you for replys - No there is nobody I can ask to babysit - I was in LAC from 10 but the idea of taking time off from work to go to a few baby groups is fantastic! Don't know why it didn't occur to me! I just feel so very sad and lonely which really isn't like me! I've always been a 'spunky' girl but feel like the fight has been knocked out of me! :(

OP posts:

wolvesdidit · 09/09/2012 21:34

Join Netmums - they have a meet a mum section - there will be other single mums in your position. Also like others say, there will be baby groups on at the weekend. You are doing MARVELLOUSLY and I am full of admiration for you. Things will change, you just can't see it at the moment. Also is Gingerbread still going? (google it)

VintageEbonyGold · 09/09/2012 22:35

I'm like you except mine is a teenager now. I understand the lonelyness, it can be really difficult

We didn't really start to get a social life until he went to playgroup and even then, with working, it was quite hard to meet up with people. What did happen was, other parents married were great, we organised babysitting for each other, kind of swopsies iyswim, days out, group things etc

Try to find a group you can get to so you are meeting other parents regularly or start a weekend group?

epeesarepointythings · 09/09/2012 22:41

wacky you are doing the hard part now - it gets easier. Soon your DS will be walking and talking and being a little person, and it will be so much better. 'Me' time comes with a good bedtime routine, it's really worth working on that - especially as enough sleep is crucial to their development and how they do at school too. It's a win-win.

I would definitely look for baby groups and meet a mum in your area, it's so nice to have someone to talk to about your PFB - but you sound really together and you just need to get over this rough patch.

Your DS will thank you for having a fabulous mummy who provides for him and is there for him. DH and I have always had to work full time and put our DDs in nursery, and you are doing what we did - spend time evenings and weekends. 'Me' time is a rare and precious thing, but it will come as your DS gets older.

janey68 · 09/09/2012 22:42

Try to be positive- you have a child and a decent career.
It would be good if you found a babysitter to maybe join a local club, book group- anything to get you out one evening a fortnight or whatever to meet people. But it sounds like you're doing great, you're filling your weekends with lovely things, your child is happy and well looked after at nursery. Oh and mother and baby groups are overrated!

Nagoo · 09/09/2012 22:49

I think you need a hobby or something that interests you in the evenings Mumsnet I started watching lovefilm/ netflix rather than real telly, then I can find things I can really get into. It's important for you to start enjoying the time you have by yourself. Read in the bath? Paint your nails? Just take a bit of time to stop.

In terms of the loneliness, MN is a lifesaver, there is always someone here :) I hope that people can help you with more practical tips, but I think that it is very hard at the beginning, you are doing brilliantly.

Nagoo · 09/09/2012 22:50

I don't like baby groups either. I find it boring to talk about DC all the time

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 09/09/2012 22:55

You're an independent woman trying your best.

Even with a dh around its hard at times. I salute single parents as I think I would crumble.

It will get easier as he gets older and you're not selfish for wanting to be you and having some me time. It is a part of adjusting to motherhood.

Again, no real advice, but the feelings you have are more common than you think.

Good luck and I'm sure you'll have a very grateful and proud son when he's older.

BabylonPI · 09/09/2012 23:01

You'll never be lonely while you've got a Mumsnet login

What are the chances of you only working 4 days a week and having a day off mid week to spend with your DS?

What you lose in salary, you will gain in reduced nursery fees?

It sounds like you're doing a great job though and should pat yourself on the back rather than berate yourself and feel guilty.

WilsonFrickett · 09/09/2012 23:08

Study. Start an open university course, everything is online these days and a lot of the coursework is based round online forums. Choose something that has oohing to do with your job - art history, music, child development, social science. Yes, you have to pay but you can open an OU bank account and pay it off each month.

You'll use your brain, 'meet' like-minded people and do something with your evenings. I remember feeling the same way around 11 months - you're coming out of the fug of the sleepless nights and suddenly realise you'll never go out again . And I have a DP! What you have just now is a gift. You have time. You can fill it very well, if you think a little bit laterally.

You sound like you are doing amazingly well btw.

WilsonFrickett · 09/09/2012 23:09

Oohing = nothing

CaringMum28 · 09/09/2012 23:13

Ah I feel sorry for you. I'm same age also with 10 mo and work ft and employ a relative to care for baby. Even with a lot of support and a good career I sometimes think the same.

Imagine the things I could do myself, hols and travel ESP, never go shopping fr myself, lost figure etc sounds pathetic but I do sometimes envy other no parents our age as for professionals in London we are seen as 'young' Xx

CaliforniaLeaving · 10/09/2012 02:22

It probably does seem hard right now having to take him to nursery each day, but every time you see him after work must be wonderful. Stay strong for your baby, you are doing a great job.

dysfunctionalme · 10/09/2012 03:40

No you are not being unreasonable. It's hard doing it all on your own, no breaks, no encouragement, no one to share the joy or pain.

Not much help now I expect but as your child gets bigger, it is easier to meet and socialise with other parents of same-age children.

Sorry, no practical suggestions but it sounds as though you manage wonderfully so well done

raresquirrel · 21/10/2012 13:31

hi
Have you had any contact with your local children's centre? They're set up to help people just like you. Also the local Libraries generally have a weekend reading/story group to encourage fathers/parents to play/read with children - you never know you might end up mtg a great single dad!
Maybe you could also speak to your boss about a more flexible work life balance ie could you possible do some of your work from home so that you could take your child to a group one or two days a week? Most play and stay sessions start around 9am and finish by 11 - what about if you just went for an hour and went into work a little later and work through your lunch to make up for it? At least this way you could meet some other parents and while many of them may be couples this might also mean they are more able to help you with your own childcare needs by having play dates or picking up your child from nursery if your running late at work, dinner dates (where they may have single male friends for you to meet).
Also contact your local Families Information Service through your local authority - they have good info systems of things to do in the area (but this relys on the services letting them know so its always advisable to get on the mailing lists of the groups you most like.
Nothing ventured nothing gained - my moto in life is 'if you don't shoot you don't score' - never mind this 'I want never gets' attitude that some folk have - you have to get out there and grab it [tenderly] with both hands. The glass is half full NOT empty hun. Go for it and continue to make it happen yur already doing great. Know that you are never alone if only you can muster up the energy to tell people how you really feel from time to time. Unfortunately we live in a world that is so immediate we forget about the wider things around us. Hold on to hope and keep smiling. If nothing else it makes people wonder what you've been up to!!!

dontdreamitsover · 21/10/2012 14:35

I was in the same situation when DS was a baby, it's incredibly hard being a single parent without a support network. Things like Children's Centres and libraries didn't help at all, as it was all geared towards sahms.

I know you said that you've had to leave London, but the best thing I did was move back there, as there is much more going on at weekends and it was easier to meet people in my situation. I spent a dull two years in the provincial suburbs and if you're not a typical two-parent family with 2 kids, it can be very isolating. There are more childcare options available here too - I used to pay for childcare once a week to get out in the evenings, as why should childcare just be used for work purposes? Your social life is important too.

The good news is that you will emerge out of this in a stronger position. I finally met a lovely DP when DS was eight, and it was brilliant that we could be a family unit without the ex complicating matters.

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