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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Yes, I probably am. And am bitter. But want friends to take sides!

23 replies

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 11:21

So, brief background. Separated from H. He moved out with DSS in August. We are endeavouring to be amicable and living apart is helping with that, in that we can now be civil, send friendly emails etc. Divorce itself will be very straightforward and clear-cut, owing to fact we have no children or assets together, so nothing really to argue about too much.

However, I am still fairly angry and somewhat bitter about the whole thing. Those of you who are regular MNetters may recall the ghastly wedding in South Africa with horrible sister-in-law and me and H not speaking. Then the subsequent 'engagement ring' thread started by H on here a few months ago. Am glad that we are separated and know it's for the best, but I do feel really angry at certain individuals in his family who made things so much worse and helped to destroy the marriage before it had even begun. I do, realise, though, that other issues also contributed.

Anyway, H was away over most of the summer with his family in S. Africa. He is now back and living a few miles away in a rented place. I stayed in house with DD. BUT, now he's back, he's spending a lot of time socialising with mutual friends. One set of friends in particular, who I met first, who live near my house, who I feel that I know better, yet he's spending all time with them. Yes it's petty, yes I'm being unreasonable, but I want him to back off and let me have at least some friends to myself. I'm currently working daft hours temping, so would like any of the precious free time I have to spend with DD and these friends. Except I can't, because said friends are with H (having a picnic today, having supper together another time). I moved to area that I'm living in solely due to H who was already there. Left good friends and family behind in move. I'm the one who initiated friendship with this set of friends, they live near me - why can't H just back off and let me 'have' those friends to myself?

I know it's irrational - I'm just upset. I want to be vindictive at the moment and I want people to support me and sympathise. Why can't he just stick to his own friends he had before we met and let me have a bit of support?

I am being unreasonable, I know. I'm just fed up.

OP posts:

GhostShip · 09/09/2012 11:25

People will tell you youre being unreasonable but I know how you feel. It almost feels at times like they're trying to make a point.

When I finished my abusive ex I also had to lose a lot of friends. Now I'm glad but I did feel very bitter that he had sort of taken then away from me.

He won't be in it for the long run, you just keep in touch with your friends and bide your time x

Original poster

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 11:27

Thank you What's particularly grating about today is that DD, who is very good friends with their DD, wasn't invited to picnic, despite them knowing that she'd like to stay in touch with her step-father and step-brother.

OP posts:

trumpeter · 09/09/2012 11:29

Have you spoke to him about it?

Original poster

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 11:33

No. Am trying to be the bigger person. But feel so pissed off today, and feel like I'm going to turn into one of those miserable old women whose lives have been consumed by festering bitterness. I just can't stop wishing for H to fall flat on his arse and for bad things to happen to him. Doesn't help that all my dreams whilst sleeping have to do with me arguing with him, going over the same issues. So sleep isn't much of an escape. I need to get a grip. But not sure how.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 11:34

God no, don't speak to him about it - it will encourage him to seek out other friendships of your to hijack, in an attempt to prove that he is the bigger person and that you are bitter and unhappy and can't move on

I lost my parents in this way - they refused to take sides, kept in touch with ex and shared information about my life with him which he then rubbed my nose in referred to when we were dealing with practical arrangements.

It was so destructive that eventually all contact between me and my parents ceased

trumpeter · 09/09/2012 11:35

But if you're being amicable and civil, why not tell him how you feel? I would.

QOD · 09/09/2012 11:36

Sorry and yanbu

Original poster

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 11:37

DisneyMum - that's horrendous. God, I thought it was hard enough with friends, but to lose your parents over it must be hellish. I'm so sorry.

OP posts:

MissAnnersley · 09/09/2012 11:37

It's only time that gives you the perspective you need. I've read your other threads and that was really tough stuff you were going through. There is bound to be bitterness still.

Don't give yourself a hard time - you can't 'magic' this away by telling yourself to get a grip.

Plan some fun things for you and your DD to do together for a start.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 11:38

Civil is one thing - amicable is quite another.

If you're seething inside, you can still be civil - but it's unlikely that a reasonable conversation about emotions can take place

Chubfuddler · 09/09/2012 11:43

Don't speak to him about it - speak to them. Don't accuse, just say you would like to get together sometime.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/09/2012 11:46

Thanks freckled - ultimately it was my decision, they chose to behave in a certain way, and I chose not tolerate it

Original poster

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 11:50

I could speak to them, but am afraid of coming across as deranged and controlling. Am trying to set up things together - for example, called yesterday and said were they around this evening. They weren't sure what they were up to in the evening, but were having a picnic in park at lunchtime with H and DSS. I just feel like giving up.

OP posts:

MissAnnersley · 09/09/2012 11:55

A simple text back saying ' no problem sounds like you're having a busy one. What about....instead? Would be lovely to catch up.'

Then the ball is in their court.

After that, distract yourself by being busy!

Chubfuddler · 09/09/2012 11:58

Well to be fair I wouldn't want to do something in the evening with friend B if id already had a lunchtime picnic with friend A regardless of who they were. And I'd need more than the day before as notice. I'm just uptight like that.

Twiggy71 · 09/09/2012 12:07

I had this happen to me as well ex friends choose my exh as their friend. Though what made it harder was that they live two houses down from me. So had to watch exh go and visit them and stay over.

It still sticks in my throat at times tbh but I have made new better friends since we have split and you will too.

Original poster

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 12:21

Thank you all for support. My mood is probably not being helped by being stuck in office on beautiful day, coming down with a throat infection and developing a headache

Let's hope next week is better.

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 09/09/2012 12:41

I just can't stop wishing for H to fall flat on his arse and for bad things to happen to him.

You really need to stop right there!

Have you heard of the saying "Hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"?

If you continue to think like that it will eat you up.

Are you going to give him that much power over your life that you will become one of those miserable old women whose lives have been consumed by festering bitterness.?

Of course not!

Never mind the sort of role model you would be portraying to your DD..... the best thing you can do for her is to pick yourself up and show her that relationships may end, but it is never the "end of the world", so to speak.

Better to bless him on his way. That way you will come out on the right side so much faster too....

((hugs))

Chubfuddler · 09/09/2012 12:42

No I can imagine that wouldn't help, to think he was having fun on a picnic while you feel rotten and are stuck at work.

Do you know what though, I would say to him that you want to maintain dds relationship with her step brother so he is welcome to take her to things. And the other side of that coin is you need to have dss over too.

trixie123 · 09/09/2012 12:50

so sorry you're going through all this, have been there and it is awful. If you possibly can, just ride out how you're feeling right now without talking to your ex or the friends about it, just arrange things with them when they are free and DON'T, if you want to keep them, ask them about the ex or what he is up to or what he's said about you or anything. If you want to keep them as friends, keep them out of it, no matter how difficult it is. I lost some friends when I left my ex, including one set who were very much "my" friends rather than his, but after some considerable time, we drifted back in touch and they are now mutual friends but I never mention ex's name in their company and I assume the same is true of him. They keep us informed about any major developments like babies and remarriage but that's all. Much better to come and vent on here for now, then when you are feeling better, you won't have done anything rash. Best of luck for everything x

Original poster

FreckledLeopard · 09/09/2012 13:31

suburbophobe - Am totally in agreement with you, but HOW do I stop these thoughts and bitterness? How can I stop having these vindictive dreams?

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 09/09/2012 14:18

You can't. It's a process and it takes time.

SoleSource · 09/09/2012 15:18

I think yabu from tne op. Ypu cannot force peopke to be with you, maybe tbey like him better. Yanbu to be upset about it. Moving is tough.

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