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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To deeply regret being sterilised?

18 replies

OhWouldYouJust · 09/09/2012 11:07

m a 26yr old mum of 3 wonderful girls and have a wonderful husband.
We married young, (18 and 19) and had 3 daughters in quick succession, they are now 6,4 and 3.

DD1 was a fantastic pregnancy and c-section delivery due to a very long labour which did not progress.

DD2 was another great pregnancy apart from SPD and morning sickness a smooth delivery (elective c-section delivery) but after the birth i suffered from severe post natal depression which i hid for 7 months, causing it to become so bad i had to stay in hospital for a brief period of time. DH was my rock throughout this whole time, even when i was positively evil toward him and he could have walked away, he stuck with me and helped me recover, and became mum and dad to our daughters when i couldn't be.

A week after DD2's first birthday, being classed as in 'remission' but still taking medication for the depression, i discovered i was pregnant with DD3. This was a surprise to say the least as i was 6 weeks into a cycle of the contraceptive injection when i conceived.

DH and family were all happy but naturally very worried, as was i, but we were reassured by doctors, midwives etc that they would support my decision to continue with the pregnancy and closely monitor me after the birth. By this point i felt well enough to recognize the signs of a bad period looming, and confident enough that i would not ignore it.

My pregnancy with DD3 was an uncomfortable one. SPD was awful, but i was so happy and excited at the prospect of another child. At 25 weeks i saw my consultant and was booked in for another C-section. I was told as this was my 3rd c-section and i had a history of PND i should be sterilised at the same time as the c-section, for mine and my children's well being. I given a long list of Pro's and quite frankly i felt pushed into agreeing. DH was also of the opinion i should have it. I agreed and signed the consent form, although looking back, in the back of my mind i don't think i was entirely sure.

DD3 arrived 4 weeks early after i went into premature labour and was a smooth delivery (c-section) even if a little earlier than planned! The sterilisation was carried out at the same time, using the clip method if i recall correctly. I suffered no relapses from the PND and gradually came off all medication.

I knew when she was around 6 months old i had made an awful mistake.

DD3 is 3 next month and my longing for another child is growing more and more.

Every month when AF arrives i feel bitter, every baby related advertisement, every friend who announces their pregnancy or birth i feel so sad inside. I was 23 years of age and i agreed to a life changing decision which now seems to plague my mind every day.

I love my children deeply and i know i am very lucky to have them, DH does not want any more children but i cannot shake the feeling that my family is not complete. I know its my own fault for agreeing but i regret it so so much.

AIBU to feel this way? OR should i just suck it up and try to accept the reality of the situation?

OP posts:

GlitterPinkRubberDucky · 09/09/2012 11:21

Huge hugs...yanbu at all. Would you and oh ever consider adoption perhaps? I think you're very strong and sounds like you're a wonderful mother.

warzonemummy · 09/09/2012 11:29

My heart aches for you. Are you in the UK? I thought it was nearly impossible to get the NHS to perform sterilisation on women as young as you are. Sounds like one of those horror stories that I have read about from India, where women are forced into sterilisation when they give birth. Under the circumstances, maybe they should have spoken with your husband too and considered operating on him instead as male op is reversible. I am specially shocked to hear that they did this despite your history of PND, didn't they think you were mentally in too fragile a place to make a decision. Can your operation be revered? Have you spoken with your DP about what you want?

shesariver · 09/09/2012 11:30

YANBU to feel the way you do but the part of your post that leapt out to me was DH does not want any more children, stopping at a certain number may always be a compromise for 1 person in a relationship because the decision involves 2 people. What it does sound like from your post is you feel you were rushed into a decision that you now regret and have a lot of underlying anger and resentment because of this. Tacking this I think would be far more useful to you just now.

thepeoplesprincess · 09/09/2012 11:40

YANBU. Bless you. Three beautiful girls is a good haul tho.

I understand that it's hard transitioning from always having a teeny around, to having older kids with lives of their own, but my advice to you would be to try to focus on the positives of having older and more independent children, instead of pining for the baby you feel is missing.

Original poster

OhWouldYouJust · 09/09/2012 11:44

GlitterPinkRubberDucky To be honest i have never considered it but i would look into it if Dh agreed.

warzonemummy Yes i am in the UK, i haven't spoken to DH about how i feel as i feel i already know his answer. If i thought he would agree to it i would have it reversed in a heartbeat.

shesariver You are right, i do feel entirely rushed into it, and i have considered possibly asking for some counselling, although i fear 3 years down the line i may just be expected to get on with it.

OP posts:

TinyDancingHoofer · 09/09/2012 12:01

If you hadn't been sterilised do you think you would still want another baby? Maybe it's because the option isn't there anymore that you feel like you want another. Also having them young i'm guessing a lot of your friends have started having babies now. Would a new child fit into your life, maybe you could consider adoption or even fostering in the future.

GlitterPinkRubberDucky · 09/09/2012 12:26

ohwouldyoujust maybe you need to have a serious sit down with your dh and tell him exactly how you're feeling and that perhaps down the line, maybe in 5 or 10 years even you would like to adopt. You are so young still that even in 10 years you'd only be 38. Your youngest would be 13 and maybe your dh would feel more comfortable with the idea of more children then. There are so many children and babies out there who need a loving family and you sound like a wonderful mother, I'm sure there is some compromise to this situation.

Whatever you decide good luck to you and enjoy and treasure your family.

margerykemp · 09/09/2012 12:41

Was this in the UK? I'm really surprised any doctor here would do this to any 23 year old.

minceorotherwise · 09/09/2012 12:47

That is incredibly young. Maybe it is just the idea that it is so final that is the problem
I think you would be wise to have counselling to delve a bit deeper into your feelings and help you through the sorrow that you are feeling

numbertaker · 09/09/2012 12:52

I don't think that you are U at all. I actually think its a pretty drastic thing to do to your body, and as you such a young woman, I think it was ill advised. It might be that your family is complete, but there is a difference between not choosing to have another child, and not being able to. This might be the reason you are sad, because you know its the end of the line without a reversal.

Original poster

OhWouldYouJust · 09/09/2012 17:27

TinyDancingHoofer I would definitely want another child even if i hadn't been sterilised. I always wanted a big family.

GlitterPinkRubberDucky Thankyou so much for all your kind words. I am going to speak to DH and tell him how i feel. Then maybe have a plan in place for adoption in the future.

margerykemp Yes this was the UK, many people i know have expressed surprise at this being done at such a young age.

minceorotherwise numbertaker I think you are both right, it does affect me that the choice has been taken away from me, counselling is my next step after discussing how i feel with DH.

Thankyou everyone, you have all been very kind.

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 09/09/2012 17:32

Op you can always have ivf, with modern technology it is possible to have a baby after being sterilised.

Hope the talk with DH goes well.

Also you could get hold of your notes to see what type of sterlisation you had and it may be possible to have it reversed

Mrsjay · 09/09/2012 17:35

wow it is hard in some areas you wouldn't be able to be sterillised at such a young age i was 27 and i had to go through councilling never regretted it though , you have 3 beautiful children and I do think you need to consider your own health in al this you had a difficult time of it , I hope you can get through this I don't think i would go through a reversal could you adopt or foster children perhaps,

Mrsjay · 09/09/2012 17:37

you can get the clips removed I was snipped so can't be reveresed,

Mrsjay · 09/09/2012 17:38

Do you think you are maybe reacting to your 3 year old not being a baby anymore ?

amillionyears · 09/09/2012 17:56

I feel for you.
I got sterilised at a later age than you after having had several children.DH wanted more,but we knew my body,for various reasons,couldnt go through another pregnancy. I had the sterilisation done a few short months after my youngest.The reason I am saying this is beacuse they offered us a cancellation,for the op to be done 2 days later.It sent me into a bit of a spin.
Sterilisation is a big deal,and the decision shouldnt be rushed.We went ahead and in no way regret it,but I still remember those 2 days well.
The other reason I am posting is because I dont think anyone has mentioned fostering,which may or may not appeal to you both.
I agree with most of the posts above.
I also think you need to talk to DH about it all.And even if he says stuff you dont want to hear right now,it doesnt mean he wont change his mind about something at a later date.

Bluegingham · 09/09/2012 20:07

As McHappy said, IVF bypasses the issues of clipped or tied tubes and given that you've had 3 successful pregnancies your chances are probably good. You'd have to do it privately as there's rarely any NHS provision if you already have children.
I'm saying this regardless of any emotional issues - just don't think your baby days are necessarily over. There's ways around it.

Mandiemoo69 · 22/11/2013 21:53

I was sterilised after my third child at the age of 22. At the time my circumstances were such that I definitely didn't want another child. the relationship was bad (very bad) and I left when I was 27. I quickly met someone else and spent 10 years with them but we grew apart and the want for a child was not there at that time. However after 5 years of singledom I met my soul mate who had no children. He has never pressurised me into anything but had my sterilisation reversed 7 weeks ago at the age of 44. A lot of places were extremely negative about success but went to a specialist clinic and I know through my hormone levels that things are ok. However, although my tubes are now fully functioning again it does not guarantee a pregnancy. We do now have the hope of having a child together.

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