DH never really knew his father, he died when he was young

[Kingcryolophosaurus]

and he has been very seriously affected by this, he talks about it all the time, every problem issue, failure seems to stem from this

I realise I'm opening myself up here
But seriously need thoughts and opinions

He has calculated to the day how old he was when his father died and is now comparing that to DS.
Who is precisely the same age

While I can sympathise to an extent, is this a bit odd and morbid?
I understand that everyone is different re bereavement, people cope in different ways
This was 40 years ago, his mother has told him he has to get past it

Dh somewhat depressed and stressed, but has always been like this on the subject of his father

Often says things like "well you had a father"
Wait and see how you feel when your father dies

I don't think it's odd that he looks at your ds - loved and secure with two live parents - and compares him to himself. Losing a parent young is a life defining event. It will define people in different ways but it changes people absolutely. He might benefit from some counselling now he is parenting a young child himself. You could suggest he talk to his GP about that but you cannot change how is about this. His father's death will have profoundly affected his character. Whilst he might be able to cope better with some help, it will always be there.

It sounds like he needs some sort of counselling. My husband had a lot of issues following his brothers death in an accident when they were teens, and it affected him badly for a long time. He finally got counselling for it and it made a huge difference.

How do you just 'get past' your father dying? My parents went through an acrimonious divorce 30 years ago and I'm still affected by it pretty much every day in some way or another.

Move this to Relationships? Amazing advice and support over there.

Did he have any form of male presence in his life? uncle? stepfather? Grandfather? who stepped into the father role?

Has this manifested since having a child of his own?

Often says things like "well you had a father"
Wait and see how you feel when your father dies

Very self pitying, self absorbed and egocentric. I agree with his mother. It is a morbid fascination he has and is projecting all his life problems onto an absent father rather than taking responsibility for his own life choices.

absent father = absence of a father.

I lost my mother at a young age and whilst I agree it does have a profound effect that lasts well beyond a normal grieving period it does sound like your DH has learnt to latch on to this as some kind of security blanket/excuse for everything. I would say he needs some kind of counselling and he may well be suffering from true depression. I grieved for my mother in the kind of way you are describing in my late teens/twenties (she died when I was 4) intermittently. I don't truly understand it but I am definitely through the other side and have been for over a decade now.

No father figure, mum didn't remarry

Hoops, he is very self absorbed and very negative(glass half empty)
I've only realised how selfish he is since having DS

I have some close family friends whose father died similar age, and they are very well adjusted

have just come from a thread of yours where you think dh is cheating on you. are these two issues that you're worrying about simultaneously and have posted about separately or??? bit odd seeing two such different posts about the same person by the same op at the same time.

I agree, he needs some sort of counselling. I don't think it is normal to dwell on it to such an extent that he snipes at others for their fortune in knowing their fathers, or obsesses about his son's age etc. If you are always looking backwards, you can't see what's in front of you.

My friend found out aged 16 that his father had committed suicide when he was less than a year old, but though it had affected him greatly and was a huge shock (he was always told his dad had had a heart attack), he is an extremely well-balanced man, in no small part due to the fantastic work done by his mum in raising him to be confident and secure. Even if he has admitted he doesn't really understand other people's relationships with their fathers, he's the kind of person who would read or watch anything he could get his hands on to try and be a model father to his children.

Does your DH ever think about the realities of being father to an older child, a teenager or an adult? Or do you think it's the fact that DS is the age he is now that has triggered this recently, and that as he grows older your husband might loosen his hold on the morbid thoughts and enjoy being father to a young man for its own sake?

It takes a while to realise that while you never get your own childhood back, you can have a second chance at family life by being the type of parent you wish you had in the first place.

it is fairly odd

my OHs mum died when he was quite young, about 10 i think, He never mentions it except very rarely.

I agree that he needs to move on and can't use it as an excuse for bad behaviour, poor life choices or self pity. But maybe he just can't move on and I think (especially for a man of that generation) it would be very good to get counselling.

Tend to agree with Zlist - my DF actually died a couple of months before I was born (my poor mother ) - however I can't actually say it had any effect on me because I never knew him and so that was the 'norm' for me. I think your DH would definately benefit from counselling.

Swallowed, we had a huge row last night, and this subject came up yet again. Amongst others

I have always meant to ask opinions about this, just have a free moment now!

king can you imagine what it will be like when you lose your father? you'll get "at least you knew your father/I know exactly what you are feeling/I'm feeling worse because"; he will divert your grief to feed his need.

We can all sit with a little amateur psychiatry, if his father died 40 years ago, he's 45(ish). It wasn't/isn't usual for people of our age to be brought up in single parent households, so he already feels the anomaly to a typical family unit of that time. If he'd been a little younger, when step families and absent fathers were more common place, it's probable that he wouldn't feel so different to his peers.

He has ad's frim the gp, i finally got him to go.
He is just starting counselling, cbt.

He's had various counselling over the years, not specifically for this though

It is hard to explain, I was fine for most of my life, but later I struggled with the idea that I might live past the age my mother was when she died, (the age my father was doesn?t seem to be as important) and was absolutely terrified that each of my children would be orphaned the way I was and left to fend for themselves. I had to work hard to keep my fears from my children.

I know it?s not rational, but stuff does affect you more than you expect, and going from being the orphaned child, to being the parent who might cause them the same hardships, throws up unexpected things.

The other thing is, when you are orphaned you get to sit and wait for everyone else to finally know what it is to be entirely alone in the world. You know that you will have to deal with each of your friends grief as they go through it, it?s not a load of fun to have such knowledge young. He sounds to me like he might be struggling with something like that?

I?m a ?sod how much is or isn?t in it, I still have the glass!? person.

No real advice I?m afraid, just to say that this stuff unexpectedly happens to pragmatic people who think they?ve ?got over it? too, so although I can see how annoying he?s being with it, I think the ?thing itself? he may have no option over.

My friends Mum died when she was only 3 and it was in a terrible accident which my friend survived. She has been affected by the lack of a Mother but she is phillisophical about it...accepting that she is who she is due in part to not having any female role models....she has had councelling though...maybe your DH needs that too.

I agree with justgettingonwith, I don't think it's remotely weird or odd him comparing the age his father died with how long he has been a father etc. I do agree with other posters that he sounds depressed, if he is so fixated on the loss of his father that he can't enjoy day to day life and relationships. Of course it's not something you can just get over/get past, but something to learn to live with, make the best of.

Swallowed, please don't doubt me
I name changed for the other thread, and haven't changed back

Our marriage is v shaky
We've had counselling, I have tried v hard
He is a very complex character

But every argument involves this issue, and it feels like he is playing on it

He does sound a bit self-absorbed.

Maybe he needs counselling. Or maybe he's just playing it up to get his own way.

Did his mother mollycoddle him and let him have everything his own way, or treat him as if he was made of glass, because he didn't have a father?

I feel that if his mother had been "well, that's sad, but it's just the way it is, so let's get on with things" then he wouldn't feel the need to bring it up every time you disagreed.