Really terrified of moving

[ScaredToMove]

I posted this earlier in the Forces area, but I have sat here since then getting more and more upset to the point where I have just been sick, so I thought I would post here as there is more traffic :-(

I am looking for some advice (I have also NC as I don't want to out myself).

My husband has been told he is due to be posted at the end of this year. We knew he was due posting, so that was no huge surprise.
The posting is only about 20 mins away from the current one, in fact his work will be 6 miles further than his current place of work is from where we live.

Here is my issue...... A few years ago, at a different posting, I was raped one night when my DH was on guard duty. It was a rough-ish area where the mq were and they never caught the person.

The place we are due to be posted to is, if anything, rougher than the place where the rape happened, there is a lot of crime, and a lot of break ins, reports of people breaking into gardens, banging on doors at 2am etc.....

I am absolutely petrified of moving there. I have had nightmares every night since I heard where we were going, not helped by joining the wives pages on Facebook and seeing it is actually worse than I thought :-(

I actually feel panicked sat here writing this, my pulse is racing and I feel sick to my stomach :-(

I just don't know what to do, where to turn for help, or even if there is anything that can be done. I can't talk to my husband as he is away just now, not due back for another couple of weeks so I don't want to cause him any more stress, but I am really struggling with the idea of moving to this place :-(

Does anyone know if there is anywhere I can turn? I emailed the hasc to ask if we would be able to stay here is it is so close, and they said no, we had to move :-(
I just don't know if I can cope with being in a place like that, and I don't know what to do :-( please help

I'm so sorry you've had such a hideous experience. No wonder you're scared. Is getting a fierce dog an option?

I have 2 little dogs already (who are not at all fierce) so I couldn't get another dog. Plus I'd have to walk a big dog when my DH was away, and in the winter it would be dark, which leads to a load more issues :-(

Thanks though.

I just wish I could hide in a cupboard and ignore the world right now :-(

I don't have any good advice for you, sorry, just bumping your thread. x

I think you need to talk to the family person, liason person thingy that deals with these sort of things and explain why you do not want to move. They might agree to leave you where you are as it's not far?

Have you been intouch with the army welfare service? army welfare and support. It's got to be worth a try it says it's confidential and they may be able to put you in touch with people in the area which your moving or make alternative arrangements due to your circumstances.

Horrid situation perceived threat is scary because it's so difficult to get past. You need people around you that can call on when you just need a bit of company. Are there any family groups in the new area you could get to before you move, so you make some new friends before you go?

I don't know if I can even talk about it right now to a person. I just need the time to pass quickly so I can get my dh back, and ask him to help me.
I can't talk to him about it just now as there is nothing he can do where he is and he has enough to worry about :-(

Thank you for the link, I will have a look at it, but I don't know if I can face talking to them without my DH for support. Nobody at my current posting knows about my past.

Ther is an email address with the link. Could you create yourself an alias [email protected] (or similar) and use just your first name, then say, as you have to us, hypothetically is there anything that can be done. See how they react and if and when you feel ready phone them to talk through the options they offer you?

The link does say its an anonymous service so no one would need to know and you don't need to divulge anything you don't want to.

Have you considered both counselling and self deffence? Your GP may be able to direct you.

There are some small steps that you can take to help with your self confidence when out and about. After something that went on in my own life, not at home I should mention, I had a really useful visit from the regional police security advisor, I was too scared to see him on my own so my parents were present, he gave us new door locks so we were the only ones with keys, personal security alarms, door wedge security alarms, advised on putting up high bolted gates to improve security to the back of the property. He said always have a mobile with you that's charges and fast dial numbers for those nearby you can call to your aid if you feel scared.

Isn't it crazy how when you're flustered you can't remember numbers you dial everyday.

Very very few people have a clue about what went on with me and I joined in with all the others speculation about why we suddenly had such a high police presence in our rural hamlet, I don't want to be seen or known of as a victim but inside the vulnerability is there.

The phone thing is a funny one because sometimes just hearing another voice helps you walk those few yards back home and unlock the door with a little less fear.

Do you have any family or friends, even if not physically close, that you could talk with?

Thank you for that suggestion, I am going to set up the email account as you say, and see if there is anything they can do. I can't talk to my parents as they didn't deal well with it the first time around, my mum is a bit difficult. I have a brother who is wonderful, but his wife is expecting a baby so I don't want to put a dampener on that for them by dragging all this up again.

I had counselling after it happened and it helped me get on with my life after a while when we moved away from the area but it's never really gone away from my mind, and this has just dragged it all up again like opening a raw wound. I have thought about asking for more counselling, but I don't want to start it then have to move part of the way through as it would just rip me apart.

Even now, and we live in a very safe rural area, when my husband is away, I can't put the bin out at night, I have to do it in the afternoon, and I put the dogs out for a wee before I go to bed but I have to lock them outside and then unlock the door and they jump back in. I know I have issues, and I hate myself for not being able to put it in my past because I feel weak and that I am letting him win, but it is just eating me up righ tnow.

I have just sent aws an email, so I hope they will get back to me soon with some idea of where I can go for help.

Thank you so much Mis, and thank you for sharing your past too.

I am going to head up for another night of nightmares and very little sleep, taking the dogs up, my DH hates it but I can't be alone :-(

I have a soppy little cavalier king Charles spaniel, not really a guard dog - i'd be more worried somone would steel her, but fantastic at cuddling up when I need someone just to listen.

Most counselling services where I am are regional and the same counsellors cover the county and the neighbouring one. They hold sessions in different clinics on different days. Is it possible it's similar near you?

Any way hoping you did head to bed and managed some rest. Things are tougher when you're tired.

Please also contact the AFF Housing Specialist - they know everything there is to know about retaining a quarter and with the new posting being so close it wouldn't be of detriment to the service unless your DH's role requires you live within a specific distance to camp.

Please don't just take the word of the housing bod - they HAVE to say no initially - and then you build a case including evidence, which in your case will probably be a letter from Welfare, supporting statement from AWS and your GP/counsellor as to why you need to retain the quarter. The other option is that you request an alternate quarter area for that camp (ie a better one) or your DH requests a different posting for welfare reasons. You have more options than you think chick.

I am so sorry this awful thing happened to you, but please please please try not to worry - there are things that CAN be done. You will have to talk to people, but initally you can do this by email or your husband can speak to people for you. If you have a trusted friend who is aware of your situation you could also ask them to liaise with the agencies on your behalf.

I have no further advice OP than that noted above other than wondering if there's any religious figure/ eg. Chaplain attached to your current base that might be helpful - to talk to in confidence etc..

I just wanted to post to say how sorry I am to hear about how you're feeling/ what you're having to go through. While I can begin to get an idea of how difficult it is to keep going despite your fear - and appreciate fully why - from your post - you also seem like you've got more reserves/ focus/ determination to do what you can positively -than you think. Posting here, acting so quickly on some of the advice, thinking about further counselling etc.. Coupled with a clearly supportive relationship - I sincerely hope (and will pray) you have enough resources to deal with the issue and find a solution that works for you. Best of luck, 100 x