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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that lateness is not a good trait in a friend?

27 replies

BadEducation · 08/09/2012 13:36

I have recently stopped making contact with a friend because of her persistent lateness. Not just 5 or 10 minutes, but between 45 minutes and 90 late each time we met up. I was also travelling to her home town, which is about 20 minutes away from me, as she doesn't have access to a car every day, and she would only have a short 5 minute walk to our meet up location. Half the time she wouldn't even bother making any contact about it, or apologise when she arrived.

I just think it's so rude and inconsiderate. I guess she does have a couple of good qualities as a friend, but they're not enough to make me overlook the lateness.

OP posts:
FriedEggsAndHam · 08/09/2012 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BadEducation · 08/09/2012 13:41

As I said, it wasn't just 5 or 10 minutes, it was sometimes up to an hour and a half of waiting. By the time she arrived at the playcentre sometimes my children would be tired and ready to leave

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CakeMeIAmYours · 08/09/2012 13:48

Persistent lateness is so rude, it is a symptom of the late person (often subconsciously) considering their time more important than yours and I really can't abide it.

DH used to do this, and in the early days, I very nearly ended our relationship over it. The odd thing was, he had never considered how impolite it was and how he was coming across to others. He's much better now, and was really sheepish when I spelled it out to him.

Have you actually spoken to your friend and said that you are thinking about ending the friendship over it? Might be an idea to do so if she is a good friend in other ways.

ENormaSnob · 08/09/2012 13:48

Yanbu

Original poster
BadEducation · 08/09/2012 13:49

I've tried to speak to her several times, CakeMe, and told her that I find it really annoying and that it's unfair that I've made all the effort but she can't make any effort to walk down the road on time. It falls on deaf ears. She is one of those people who believes she has it harder than everyone else, and moans all the time. Her children having an argument or not tidying their rooms in the morning is catastrophic.

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GotMyLittleLamb · 08/09/2012 13:50

I have a friend like this, I tell her we are meeting half an hour earlier than I intend to get there and then I set off late. It drives me absolutely crazy but I luff her and she is worth waiting for.

I read a theory once that there are 2 types of people, say you need to be somewhere at 10am and it takes you half an hour to get there. Some people will be aiming to be ready for 9.30am and would consider themselves late if they were leaving the house after 9.30am. Other people don't consider themselves late unless it is past 10am and they are actually late (meaning they won't arrive til after 10.30am). We chattered about this and the second type is how my friend works. She has been 3 hours late before Angry

naturalbaby · 08/09/2012 13:54

Just stop making arrangements to meet up. I would have given up long ago if one of my friends carried on like that!

Original poster
BadEducation · 08/09/2012 13:55

3 hours?? Shock That's awful. I hope you went home and didn't wait for her for all that time.

I think you are right about the 2 types of people.

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 08/09/2012 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BadEducation · 08/09/2012 13:56

I have done, naturalbaby. I don't contact her at all now. She has contacted me recently to ask me to meet up and I've said I'm busy at the moment. If, on a day she has the car she wants to visit me in my home town then she can, but I'm making no further effort

OP posts:
Original poster
BadEducation · 08/09/2012 13:57

No, she never apologises or mentions the lateness. She has a very entitled view of things and a bit of a chip on her shoulder at times. I think she thinks the world can wait for her because she's got this or that going on that day

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starfishmummy · 08/09/2012 14:02

U sed to have a friend who was always late, drove me dotty - especially as I was usually early due to when my bus got in! THen one time I was late, and she had actually been on time; nevr heard the end of it as her boyfriend was waiting with her (early evening in a very busy and safe place!) and he had to go.....
She is now an ex friend, but other reasons, not because of the lateness.

GroupieGirl · 08/09/2012 14:13

My mum is like this, albeit to a lesser extent. She can't seem to grasp that those fifteen or thirty minutes spent waiting with an increasingly frustrated and overexcited toddler are minutes I could have put to much better use! I am early to an almost pathological degree now...

KellyElly · 08/09/2012 14:16

It drives me insane. I am currently waiting for my cousin who was supposedly arriving at 2 to see DD and take her to the park. He texted at 2 and said oh sorry am running late will be after 3. So we have sat in on a sunny afternoon waiting when we could have just gone out after lunch and been back home in time to see him. It's just rude!

JuJuMoo · 08/09/2012 14:23

An awfully bad trait I agree and I have annoyed many a friend / family member because of my own lateness. I'm quite easy-going and it doesn't generally bother me if others are slightly late but anything over 30mins can get very frustrating. A friend had to have words with me yesterday about my lateness having an adverse impact on our relationship, as in essence what people who are consistently late are saying is "my time is more important than yours." My problem is I always underestimate how long it takes to get ready. I think you need to be very firm with your friend about the impact her lateness has on you. People now generally except my lateness and work around it by asking me to arrive at 1pm for example, when really they mean 2pm - but I admit they shouldn't have to do this and I really ought to sort myself out and rectify this behaviour.

Groovee · 08/09/2012 14:27

Dh's brother and SIL were like this. We once were late and OMG the way they went on about it was ridiculous. I tried to point out how often they were late and it was laughed off.

No longer see them so its not an issue.

Abody · 08/09/2012 14:40

I was going to say 'YABU', some people are just crap at getting organised/ have difficult kids etc. But the other stuff would bug me more - moany, self-absorbed, unapologetic etc. If the friendship is one-sided & she's all take & no give then I'd probably not waste my energy either to be honest, better to spend it investing in your other friendships (is that too harsh?)

Original poster
BadEducation · 08/09/2012 14:46

She is very much all take and no give. To the extent where she moans if I haven't got her a cup of coffee if I'm there before her.

OP posts:
theoriginalandbestrookie · 08/09/2012 15:14

YANBU - I have one friend that I love dearly but is always late as its always a complete mystery to her that it's tricky to get a cab on a Friday or Saturday night so what I do now is text her about an hour before we are due to meet just to confirm that we are still meeting at x place at y time and does she want to order her taxi now so she isn't late Grin seems to have worked a treat

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 08/09/2012 15:52

My ExH used to do this, leave the house when he was supposed to be somewhere. He did think he was better than everyone else, mainly subconsciously, so he did it all the time.

MrsDWho · 08/09/2012 15:58

Oh, DPs aunt is a NIGHTMARE for this. She will say "Meet you at X at 5.30" and because we always factor in traffic, we usually get there 10 minutes early, and she won't show her face till 6.30, meaning we are waiting over an hour. Does my head in!

If you are literally not getting anything from the friendship, YANBU.

Paralympia · 08/09/2012 16:04

YANBU, but I have a few friends like this and ime they all 'sing for their supper' and /or are very attractive and confident. So they believe (deep down) that you will wait for them. They get away with it because The Waiters enjoy their company and may feel resentment but won't stop calling!

I have a friend like this. It drives me crazy. SO selfish. I remember we arranged to meet one morning at 11am. I was ready to be picked up at 11am. then she called me to say that she'd gone for a run and gone shopping for shoes and could we make it 12 as she needed a shower. IF SHE'D TOLD me that then I could also have gone for a run and gone shopping. So she had a satisfying morning and mine was spent ...... waiting. I tried to communicate that as calmly as I could but I don't think it got through... I think I just came accross as 'anal'. Not sure. I hate wasting a morning though.

CrunchyFrog · 08/09/2012 16:14

My best friend is a total fucking nightmare, although he is getting better.

I actually blew up at him last week, asked him why he thought HIS life was so much more important than mine, and does he not think that when I've gone to the trouble of sorting childcare/ making myself available that he could possibly make the minimal effort of getting out of bed...

Which means he'll be "good" (ie, 15-20 mins late) for about a month, then it will start again.

I am routinely 10 minutes early for things, we're a terrible combination. Grin

wineandroses · 08/09/2012 16:26

YANBU. When I first dated DH, he was routinely late when meeting me, and it drove me mad. Strangely, he was never late for work-related appointments, nor for concerts etc, so I told him that he clearly thought I wasn't important enough to show up for on time, unlike those other things. He was very embarrassed, and stopped being late (mostly). In all other ways he was lovely, so I married him Smile

Lueji · 08/09/2012 16:27

Crunchy, just arrange to meet much earlier and how up when you want.

Or start walking off after 10-15 min.