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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family argument

20 replies

samithesausage · 08/09/2012 07:51

I probably am being unreasonable. But here goes anyway...
My nan offered to keep an eye on my older two boys aged 6 andd 7 whilst I collected my 2nd youngest age 3 from the nursery. (10 - 20 minute Max).
On the way back I find my 6 year old on his bike a couple of streets away from the house. I get home and say I found him in the street playing on his bike and I don't like him going out that far. I get "it's not my fault, I didn't know he was out, you can't blame me" response.
I tell him (the 6 year old) he's not allowed to go out on his bike tonight with his nan. - explain it's because he went out without telling anyone, and he went out too far.
6 year old gets upset has a tantrum. Nan starts shouting at me. I'm a cruel mother, look at him he's distressed. I'm going to end up with emotionally disturbed kids. Then comes the "I'm sorry x, I would take you out but MUMMY says no" statements.
I keep getting shouted at. All the time all I can do is repeat myself over and over again "he went out, he didn't tell anyone, he went to far, not going on his bike after tea is his punishment". I get shouted at even more.
Thing is, I suffer from aspergers, so high pitched shouting sounds like "weeee weeee weeee distressed weeee weeeee" after a while when my concentration lacks. I can't judge social situations so I may of totally reacted. Ok.. Flame proof jacket on now! Lol!
(at least I didn't use text speak)

OP posts:

lucidlady · 08/09/2012 07:55

I think your nan is out of order and YANBU. He's SIX. He shouldn't be going off on his own!

JeezyOrangePips · 08/09/2012 07:56

No you didn't overreact.

It is totally reasonable to punish a child for going out without telling anyone, especially, as you have done, a punishment related to the issue.

What is unreasonable is your nan saying 'it's not my fault I didn't know where he was'.

Yes, kids can disappear - but if you are looking after them for tops 20 minutes it's not hard to keep an eye on them.

iscream · 08/09/2012 07:59

YANBU. I would do the same thing as you. (no more bike tonight). Your gran is the unreasonable one.
Sometimes when a person is embarrassed or in the wrong, they revert to anger and defense, even when they know they are in the wrong. I have a feeling your gran doesn't like that her child care was found lacking.

toriap2 · 08/09/2012 08:00

Yanbu! I would have been so angry! Not going on his bike after tea sounds fair to me

thebeesnees79 · 08/09/2012 08:01

you acted in a very normal and reasonable way. your Nan is totally out of order and don't listen to all that cap about emotionally disturbing your kids! its bull shit, they sound loved, well protected and properly disciplined.

DameEnidsOrange · 08/09/2012 08:04

Yanbu and even if you were, you are the parent and should not be undermined by your Nan regardless of what she thinks

ErikNorseman · 08/09/2012 08:04

You are not wrong. I also wonder what was the point of your nan watching them if she wasn't planning to actually watch them!

TroublesomeEx · 08/09/2012 08:05

Well just to put your mind at rest.

I'd have hit the roof if I'd come home and found my 6 year old riding her bike a couple of streets away from home.

If I got back to find out that the adult 'caring' for them was abdicating responsibility from themselves and then started suggesting that my children would be emotionally disturbed by a perfectly reasonable sanction... well then there might well be blood shed!

I also completely agree with iscream. Rather than just accept she was in the wrong and say sorry, it sounds like she may have gone on the defensive because she doesn't want to admit that she was in the wrong. YY to your gran doesn't like that her child care was found lacking

Margerykemp · 08/09/2012 08:09

Why was your nan so mean to you? She sounds horrible. She should talk to you like that.

Jinsei · 08/09/2012 08:09

YANBU. Your reaction was reasonable and normal. Your nan should have taken responsibility. I'm afraid I'd think twice about allowing her to "watch" them again.

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2012 08:10

sounds perfectly reasonable punishment to me, sounds like your Nan overracted, probably because she's upset at herself for not watching him, she doens't want you to punish him because that shows that it is a big deal, and she can't downplay it to herself.

Don't ask her to do childcare again, if she can't keep an eye on 2 DCs for 20 minutes, she's not up to it. Don't be cruel about it, just smile and say thanks, but I'm all sorted if she offers again.

Also, how old is your nan? Has she always been someone to screetch/over react to critisim? Getting agressive (when they weren't before) and forgetful go together and need watching in older people. (Signs of dementia - took a while for us to notice with my nana as she'd been a right bitch her whole life and prone to rambling stories that went nowhere, so irrational strops and the odd conversations didn't set off the warnings they should have...)

Original poster

samithesausage · 08/09/2012 08:32

That's a relief I thought I was wrong. There is a lot of backstory regarding me and my nan over disapline. I tend to have to back off quite a bit over punishments, as i go over the top (well that's what I'm told anyway :) ).
This incident stuck in my throat a bit because I felt I had to make it clear wandering off is not acceptable. I stuck to my guns and refused to budge over it. That's why an argument ensued!
I can accept that it was probably more embarassing to her, because number 2 decided to let himself out of the back garden and she didn't notice. (its a side gate so it's easily done, and 6 year olds should have the common sense to stay put).
What I'll probably have to do is make sure it's consistent now. Set a boundry of what's an acceptable distance from the house type rule.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2012 08:38

Hmm. If this is your Nan's idea of 'over the top' I think you are going to have to have more faith in your own judgements and stop backing off. Especially as backing off from a decision you've made will be confusing and send mixed messages to your children.

tryingtonotfeckup · 08/09/2012 08:42

Agree with the rest esp Folkgirl. I thought you were remarkably restrained actually, I'd had found it very difficult to remain calm with my Nan and son kicking off at the same time.

Well handled.

Original poster

samithesausage · 08/09/2012 08:47

My nan's 84. But she's one of these healthy 84 year olds, goes out couple of nights a week, dashing here and there.
The reason why she's horrible to me some of the time is because I don't do things her way. I "openly defy them". It's little things like the way I do the washing to disapline.
According to her I should of given him a warning. But I felt that warnings wouldn't work in this case,

OP posts:

Pixieonthemoor · 08/09/2012 08:51

The only one being U here is your nan! "It's not my fault. I didn't know he was out"!!! I mean wtaf?? HOW did she not know he was out? Kids of any age can slip away in a heart beat and she should have been keeping a better eye on him. What if he had got knocked down by a car? I am sorry but she doesnt sound capable of looking after your kids.

Your punishment sounds absolutely reasonable to me.

Goldmandra · 08/09/2012 09:04

"According to her I should of given him a warning. But I felt that warnings wouldn't work in this case"

I assume that he knew the rules about leaving the garden without permission and about how far he is allowed to go on his bike? If so, the conversations in which he found out about these rules were his warnings.

Warnings are given to inform the child that their behaviour was unacceptable and give them the opportunity to change it. He knew it was unacceptable and he had ample opportunity to change it before you found him. He chose not to do so, therefore he experiences the natural consequences. "No xxxx. You showed that you could not be trusted to be sensible this afternoon, therefore I cannot allow you to go out to play after tea. If you learn from this mistake I will be able to give you the opportunity to show me that you can be trusted again in the future."

You need to manage your children's behaviour logically and consistently. It may frustrate your Nan but don't give in and change your behaviour management when she is around. It will just confuse the children and make their behaviour harder to manage.

MagicHouse · 08/09/2012 09:10

Agree with everyone else - you were reasonable in being upset and angry, and your nan's reaction must have been infuriating. She should not be talking to you like that. If it was infront of your children then that was completely unacceptable (to say your children would be emotionally disturbed). I wouldn't be letting her do much in the way of childcare again, even for a few minutes.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 08/09/2012 09:16

I would struggle to remain calm with 2 people shouting at me, it sounds like eeeeeee eeeeeee eeee to me when there's stuff like that going on and I don't have aspergers - I think you handled the situation remarkably well given the circumstances.

I know your nan was doing you a favour watching your children but she didn't do it properly - therefore I personally wouldn't ask her to do it again. I see a boy of about your DS's age riding his scooter in the middle of my road quite frequently and always worry for his safety, IMO he's too young to be out on his own especially as he seems to have no road sense. I was pleased to see a community support officer accompanying him home the other day. I hope his mum cares as much for his wellbeing as you seem to do.

I agree with the others, I think your nan was on the defensive because she was embarrassed. If you use alternative childcare in future you are well within your rights to ask her politely to back off if she starts criticising your parenting or other decisions in life, it's really none of her business How you bring up your children - unless they're in danger obviously and it sounds very much like you have everything under control

droves · 08/09/2012 09:20

I'd get another form of childcare . Your Nan sounds irresponsible .

And at over 80 , she's probably too old to keep up with the demands of a lively 6 year old child. She sounds a bit of a dictator tbh , does everything always have to be her way ? .

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