Am i in the wrong for wanting to help? Sorry, long.

[Whodoichoose]

I don't want to drip feed, so...

Around 18 months ago i discovered that a girl (i will call Rose) who was at school with my DD, was my SGD. I am widowed, my DH was older than me.

Her parents (my SDS) were heroin addicts and placed her and her sibling, into foster care. We knew that she had two older siblings, who were placed with maternal nan, but didn't know that they went on to have two more live births.

Her foster placement broke down at 14 and she stayed with birth family members who i don't/won't have contact with, they apparently took her thinking they would get foster care allowance.

She was passed around in the family, but they are a nightmare and i wouldn't get involved as they would use her welbeing, as a stick to beat me with.

She was eventually rejected by all of them, including bio mum and full siblings. She went to live with her bf (15) at his mum's house.

His mum did get an allowance for her, they are also dysfunctional. I had limited contact. She had a contraception faliure and got thrown out.

I sorted out accomodation via duty SS and took her shopping for all she needed.

She has no-one, she lives on £50 a week, so i have been helping her, in every way.

She is now 14 weeks pregnant, low level safeguarding has started for unborn.

My middle DD (16), have been discussing her situation, we want to help. We have been to all of her appointments and i have applied for part time hours around her due date. She wants this baby, we want to help her keep it.

My DD is working towards becoming a MW, she is very mature and caring.

If she does not get offered a mum and baby unit at 20 weeks, i have said that she can stay with us, a unit will be offered after birth. Or it will be a B&B, i worry for her MH.

I have met relevent staff, including SW's. She is back in education.

My eldest DD, who lives with her bf, good jobs etc is raging.

I have helped my DD with anything that she has needed me for, but she is totally against me helping Rose.

She is spouting rubbish about all sorts of imaginary let downs by me and the supposed trouble this girl has caused.

This could (in her head) give her cause to never forgive me. She isn't ttc. She has ADHD which, in her case means she has anxiety and doesn't think things out properly. I support her through any problems.

I feel as though i now need to choose between a girl who desperatly needs me (my DD's neice) and my own DD.

Honest thoughts please.

I'm really sorry, the abbreviations have confused me.
Rose is your deceased husband's grand-daughter, is that right? Your step-daughter (husband's daughter) was an addict, Rose has had a horrendous life with a dysfunctional family, you've not really been involved in her life till now. She's now PG, you want to help, your own middle DD is supportive and involved, your elder daughter is very much against it and is making you choose between her and Rose?

Is that right?

good heavens

Tell all of them that you are doing, and have always done, what is right for all concerned.

This might mean giving more attention at a certain point to one more than the other.

and then dont discuss it and let her get on with it.

Rose is my Step Grand Daughter, my husband's son's daughter, who i brought up, as my DH had residency, through his ex wife having addiction problems.

His ex wife took two of her children down the same route.

So she is my DD's neice.

My eldest daughter (27) is the one that is against this.

sounds like you have thought through alot of the input you have aqlready put in and have been not so far given in to your dds concernes. So what is different now?

Is it that you feel you really will need to choose or do you think your dd is using emotional blackmail? From reading your post it seems she is behaving in quite an imature manner surrounding this.

It maybe be usefull to request a course of family therapy or family confrencing, social services could comission this prior to making any final and lasting decissions.

I think you are doing a wonderfull thing in helping, however now is the time to question your ability to remain fully comitted if you think you may give into the preassures from your dd. It would be a shame for it all to breakdown.

It is a very difficult situation, but if you think your dd will be disgrunteled snd then accept what is happening carry on, if you feel she has some genuine concerns invite her to express these and listen to them. This where family therapy or family confencing will be usefull.

Talk through it with the social worker.

I couldn't quite follow how Rose was related to you, sorry.

Does your DD maybe think that you'll end up being the baby's primary carer and she's worried for you? Does she have any sort of point about the "imaginary let downs?".

Also, if Rose ends up moving in, do you have any plans for what happens next? I can see you want to help her and the baby and that's the main thing for now. But in the long run it might cause problems for you and the wider family if she moves in permanently, particularly if she's got no prospect of finding housing of her own close by where you can help. I mean, it sounds like she's had a rough deal out of life and you wouldn't want to kick her out when she's vulnerable, but maybe her staying wouldn't be sustainable in the long term either.

Would it help if you put together a more detailed plan and agreed it with Rose and your daughter?

It sounds like your daughter is jealous, but at the root of that is probably fear. What has she seen in the past? For example, have you become subsumed in that bit of the family's problems when your elder DD was growing up? Have you ever let her down because you've prioritised your SDS? It sounds like over the years they've taken up a lot of your time and energy.

OTOH maybe she's just scared that this won't end well for you.

I think you have to help her sort out legitmate feelings - anxiety for you, a sense that this isn't going to end well - from throwing the toys out of the pram jealousy. Agree about speaking to SS, perhaps there's family counselling on offer?

It sounds as if you are a lovely caring person. I would say that at the age of 27 your daughter, even with ADHD etc. should be old enough and mature enough to respect that you are trying to help a troubled teen in need of some love and stability in her life.

Perhaps you could speak with her and explain that you would like to give a little of the love, care, attention and stability to this girl that your daughter has had the benefit of for her life.

I hope it all works out well for you and all the family, your step GD and the unborn baby.

She doesn't have a point about the let downs.

It started two weeks ago, that i wasn't around on her 21st Birthday, i was, we went through dates and it was on her 23rd birthday that i was on holiday, in Eygpt with my younger two, it was half term.

Then it was that i wasn't around on her 25th, was again. I do CV's and help her with paperwork for work, including her qualifications (dyslexia).

She owes me around a £1000, i am not demanding this back. I sit in for work men etc, so she doesn't have to take time off.

Rose will be housed with me, or in a mum and baby unit, spaces will be available within 6 months. I am happy to have her stay, so are the children that live with me.

This isn't unrealistic. I like teens and work in a social care role that involves working with vulnerable families.

We have discussed me being a primary carer, but i feel that it is a lack of confidence in mum, she was very low. She is now in college and feeling better, i have seen her grow so much in a couple of months.

This is not a rash decision. She can be housed at 18, if things are stable between her and baby. We have had meetings with the teen MW, her SW and her community support workers.

But do i just leave my eldest to 'spit her dummy out of the pram'.

For example, have you become subsumed in that bit of the family's problems when your elder DD was growing up

I was my DH's carer whilst he died of cancer. I am the 'rock' in the family. I have massive coping ability, though.

My DD works in social care, also and was a support worker, so this has shocked me.

Have you ever let her down because you've prioritised your SDS

He disappeared out of our lives when she was 2, until the other two siblings needed placing, she was 6. We made the decision for them to go to maternal nan, as that was best for all of us.

Well, you know, maybe at 27 you do just leave her to spit her dummy out of the pram. I'm not sure my DM would have involved me in any of her life choices at that point IYSWIM. She's left home, she has her own life now, as do you. Maybe someone (else?) needs to point that out to her? Is there someone else in the family that can act as an intermediary?

I think rather than getting into tittle tattle conversations with her such as the one posted about birtthdays. My responce would be, Im not discussing this but if you have concerns about the current situiation I will be happy to listen.

I think if she is voicing some concerns wether you think are genuine or not she needs to be heard and responded to. I think this is where family therapy or confrencing or even mediation. definatly request this OP.

It sounds like you have a well thought out care plan for Rose and are well placed to be supportive without removing all parental responsibility from Rose when she has her baby.

If you eldest DD is troubled herself then maybe she is acting out as she is feeling anxious about her own situation and is looking for someone to blame - you are the obvious choice as her mother - not fair but very common. It is not up to her what you do and who you house/ help. She is an adult and living independently. You can listen to her opinions and just nod and say reassuring things then go on with your plans, she has no real right to dictate to you so don't give her that power. If she needs help with her own situation you will still be there for her, but you can't make her believe that if she is determined to be unhappy.

It is hard what you are doing and you sound lovely so get as much support as you can, from people that are going to actually help rather than criticise.

I'd be inclined to agree with Wilson. She is 27, she has her own life which presumably she doesn't allow you to run; it cuts both ways.

A 27 year old who does not live with you certainly doesn't get to decide who you have living in your house or who you spend time or money or attention on.

I could understand her being worried that you will be left essentially bringing up this baby (which is a valid concern), but it seems as if she is just jealous that you are paying more attention to someone else than to her.

Thanks for the imput.

She has actually just phoned me, because she had another outburst last nght (which prompted this thread).

In her head she has come up with a potenial list of what can go wrong and one beng involvement by my stepson (possibly still a heroin addict, just out of prison).

I think that this is one reason why safeguardng will go to the next level.

I answered every point, she is still ranting and saying that my middle DD will suffer because of a lack of attention. I will not allow this to happen.

She is finding things to go wrong and saying that this baby should be removed at birth/or aborted.

Is it wrong to tell her, that i don't want to listen to ranting and if she won't communicate, then she will just have to lump it, if she doesn't want as much contact with me, for now, then so be it? (If all goes according to plan i will be a hands on nan).

Are you sure she's not ttc and having problems? Because there's something here that's totally disproportionate, I think.

But no YWNBU to keep calmly repeating that you don't want to discuss your decision any further at the moment, your door is always open but you are going to keep supporting Rose in the way you see fit.

Good luck OP. x

It sounds like she's worried, maybe even not sure what about, just got it all going round in her head. Perhaps her boyfriend or a friend is contributing to this and that's where it started - even a throw away comment like 'does that mean your druggie relative will be round your mum's?' could magnify over and over in her mind. I don't think it will resolve fully until these things happen, and she sees that her 'what if's don't actually come to pass.

So long as you do intend for Rose to end up in her own accommodation once she's had baby, and that you keep SS involved, ending up as a normal supportive grandparent at the end, then there's no reason for anyone to worry. This girl needs a family to care for her and for the baby, or she'll end up on drugs and breaking down herself. Hopefully that someone is you.

You could be the last chance Rose gets to turn her life in the "right direction" and to start her baby's life decently. You could make all the difference to their future.
Your daughter is a grown woman, with a life of her own and seems to be only thinking of herself - is she worried about her future inheritance maybe? seeing you leaving money to Rose and/or the baby that would have been hers? She may dress it up as worrying about you, but that in itself is pretty disrespectful - does she not know you are perfectly capable of thinking a major decision through, looking at all angles, and making up your own mind? She's trying to infantilise you almost - has she pulled out the "what if you die/get sick, you're old" line yet? Or is she jealous that this baby will be "your grandchild" and she hasn't had children yet, so she won't be able to Provide The First Grandchild and bask in that maybe?
You sound like you've decided to help Rose and her baby and I hope you all have a good outcome and that your help really does prove to be a turning point for Rose - two lives "saved" almost because you are a good person and willing to be there for them.
If it's not horribly rude of me to ask, (and feel free to ignore my prying) would your DH have helped do you think? They are his, and thus your, family after all.

There isn't much future inheritance, but will be on her DP's side (they are going to get married).

We are very close, she has discussed children with me, she will need support if she has a baby and will get it, regardless of this baby. She has been promoted at work and they are financing her management qualifications.

Her DP wanted children, until he became an uncle, she doesn't, especially after babysitting her friends babies/children, she doesn't want that, yet.

would your DH have helped do you think

He would have been guided by me, but was a total 'family man', we suited each other, so together, we would help.

Rose is a lovely girl, who it went wrong for from the start, she loves being back in education and wants to work towards uni.

Her mum gave birth to her in Wales and that is why we were not informed of her birth, by SS.

Just to add that my DD isn't concerned by money. She works in MH and enjoys it, she enjoyed support work.

As i said, her reaction shocked me. She so committed to her service users, she is progressing because of her caring/commited nature .

Do you know what, every time someone posts something anything saying, let it go, it's your DD's problem, you come back and defend your DD. I think that's lovely, and you're obviously a fantastic, caring mum. BUT you have to let this go. You are not going to withdraw your support from Rose, are you? Equally you are not going to stop supporting your DD. And you're not going to be able to work out why your DD is being the way she is.

So all you can do is withdraw, with love. Don't get drawn in, don't battle, just disengage from DD on this one topic. You sound like a 'fixer' and you want to fix this issue for DD. But you can't. Perhaps time will, but at the moment, you can't turn DD around.

Accept that.

Cut yourself some slack.

Focus on Rose while keeping the door open to DD.

And please (humour a stranger on the internet) find something for yourself one hour a week.- yoga, swimming? Where you just have time for you.

My (me) hobby tends to focus around my dog and outdoors stuff.

Me and my middle DD are starting water aerobics together.

Thanks, the replies have given me stuff to think about.