To expect neighbourhood kids not to pester when DD doesn't want to play?

[kunoichi]

There are several girls in the neighbourhood with whom DD(7) sometimes plays with. DD particularly likes to play with her older best friend next door (whose mum is also my best friend).

Two particular girls constantly call for DD and question "why not", "where is she", etc if DD is not outside playing with them. Some days there will be knocking at the door every 5 minutes, literally, and if DD doesn't want to play with them they ask me why and expect me to make DD play with them.

I have tried explaining that she doesn't always want to play with them/is busy/having dinner/will call for you when she wants to play, but the pestering doesn't stop and they often camp out on my front garden waiting to "ambush" DD as soon as she appears.

Ignoring knocks at the door is not an option. If my car is parked on front, the kids assume I'm in and won't stop until someone answers the door.

The girls' parents don't seem to think this behaviour to be unreasonable. It seems both girls are pushed encouraged to play outside during all daylight hours, in all weathers. Both are well aware that I'm a single WAHM with a baby to look after too.

This evening, the parent of one of the girls first sent her older daughter to tell on DD because she and her BF had locked themselves in the garden next door to play alone. When I didn't tell DD that she MUST play with her, the mum came out, told DD off for upsetting her daughter saying that she didn't have to put up with this (her daughter running in to tell her that DD doesn't want to play).

Neither DD or her BF would dream of hassling other friends or their parents in this way. My neighbour (and BF) is also getting stressed out about this situation and answering the door to kids asking if my daughter is there.

I don't want to fall out with parents over this, (though seem quick to want to) and probably think I'm being unreasonable. Am I?

No. Tell them to go home and they are not allowed to knock any more.

I have heard of people putting a 'don't knock' sign in their window for just this purpose. It would drive me bats I have to say.

Maybe the parents thought DD and BF were excluding the other one.

It's difficult isn't it. Kids in our street play out after school most days when it's still light, but mine are always knackered after school and prefer to watch some tv, do homework, have tea and then early bed. It took a while but other kids have now got the message that they play on weekends and not on weekdays unless they are already out playing.

You need to get your daughter to tell them she doesn't want to play out. The only way to get my younger brothers friends to stop knocking was to send him to the door to say he didn't want to play.

I agree. Keep out of it and leave her to answer the door and tell them she doesn't want to play. There is no need to get involved.

Yes I can only draw upon my own childhood experiences when friends and I regularly called on each other to play. Usually the child answered the door and conveyed the necessary info. If a parent said no, she was not available today, that was that. I might have asked if she'd be available later or tomorrow but would not have dreampt of knocking repeatedly - the parents would have got really cross!

These children clearly have no respect for adults, which is a big problem for them but it probably doesn't help anyone to act as your dd's gatekeeper. If they carry on regardless I think you need to say she will call on them when she wants to, then maybe limit them to one knock a day, put a sign up, then ignore the door if they keep going. If your dd wants to play with them she will go out and do it and they will get used to seeing her when she's out.

My dd (7) has only recently been going out to play and I know what you mean by the knocking, it drives me bonkers and I just go to the door and ask them not to keep knocking as they will wake sleeping hubby etc, it takes a few tellings as so many different kids knock but they soon get the message. I will say some of these kids have such hard knocks I jump out of my bloody skin.

I would stand back on the who plays with who situation as your dd could end up very good chums with the other kids at some point and then you'd feel awkward, just let her tell them she doesnt want to play etc.

Just be firm with the door knocking. Look them in the eyes and tell them firmly not to knock again that day because it's getting on your nerves.

This evening, the parent of one of the girls first sent her older daughter to tell on DD because she and her BF had locked themselves in the garden next door to play alone. When I didn't tell DD that she MUST play with her, the mum came out, told DD off for upsetting her daughter saying that she didn't have to put up with this (her daughter running in to tell her that DD doesn't want to play)

See now I don't think that was very nice of your DD and her BF to exclude the other girl like that. The mother obviously thought you'd feel the same way - which is why she thought you'd back her up.

If you think that sort of exclusion is ok, let's hope you still feel the same way if your DD's BF locks herself in the garden with the other girl next week and leaves your DD upset.

Really, Worra? If your child was playing in next door's garden, you'd insist that she either came out of there to play at the front, or that the neighbour had extra children in her garden? I'd jib at that! I quite like having two kids in the garden; any more are hard work to keep tabs on.

WorraLiberty as an adult I don't think I should be pressured to spend time with other adults I might not like that much, why should OP's DD have to spend time with children she doesn't nescessarily like that much?

It isn't bullying to not want to spend time with someone.

Red Cards, Green Cards. You can knock if its Green, can't if its Red.

I didn't mention bullying?

I think in cases like that where one child is being excluded, the OP could have at least tried to appeal to her DD's better nature.

If her DD still insisted she wanted to exclude the other girl then fair enough...at least she would have tried.

YANB
I know the girl who constantly knocks for DD2 is bored to tears.

Lives with elderly family, no car or money to do extra curricular stuff.

I feel very sorry for her, it's a very MC school and she really must feel left out.
I do get DD2 to play with her quite often.

However, her appearing the second we drive through the gate is very wearing.

It's also very difficult when DD has other school friends round as they definitely don't want her to join in.

The exclusivity thing is more complex. Long ago when I was little, if you were playing on the street you were generally open to playing with whoever was about and forming larger groups. Sub-groups would depend on different games or ages but there was an acceptance of accommodating littler ones. We'd probably only have insisted on remaining exclusive on a pre-arranged visit.

Gardens are a bit of a half-way zone though as going into someome's house to play was more regulated by the parents and generally only done with closer friends. Being in a back garden would be in the same category I think.

How is it OPs daughter´s fault if she is in the neighbours garden?

It´s surely then up to the neighbour & her child who plays there?

I would have thought that the locked door/gate was hint enough tbh.

Not all children want to play with everyone all of the time!

WorraLiberty - I do appeal to DD's better nature (situations like this happen often) and most of the time they do all end up playing together, but on that particular occasion DD and her BF really wanted to be alone. I also always explain the consequences, telling her that the girls may exclude her on later occasions - which they do sometimes, DD understands why and accepts this. When that happens, DD either finds someone else to play with, or comes to spend time with me and her brothers. Personally I don't feel it's "wrong", just children learning how to form and deal with relationships.

Startailoforangegold - Wow, do we know each other personally? You described part of the situation we're experiencing almost to a tee!

We live in what you might call an "underprivileged" area, so most of the local kids don't get to do much in the way of extra-curricular activity and are probably bored. I do take my own children out to parks/day trips and the like but only have a small car (and very limited funds) so can rarely take others with us.

To explain about the gardens, we live in a strange estate of tower houses where we only have front gardens (which lead up to the front door) and balconies on the second floor. My house doesn't have a fence up around the garden, though I'm saving like crazy now to have one put up, I can't even hang my washing out without being hassled these days!

Yesterday evening put us in a very tricky situation. It was DD's best friend's birthday, and her mum had planned a small BBQ, inviting DD and one of her daughter's school friends (she's VERY strapped for cash and couldn't afford to buy food for bigger numbers) and grandad. My other neighbour's girl had called round after school so she and DD had made up, and I'd explained that DD would be eating with her BF so she wouldn't be offended at not being able to play until later in the evening.

As soon as DD went round, not only the two girls but the older sister and older sister's friends were hanging out right next to the gate, peering in to see what was happening. I popped round to take cards and presents and they tried to follow me in. I explained as nicely as I could that it was a private BBQ and that it wasn't my place to invite them in, while my BF's mum gave them all some cake (luckily a family friend had brought another so there was lots spare) and explained the girls may play outside later.

Of course I understand they wanted to join in as DD was there, but still I find it rather rude as none of the others are particularly "friends" with the birthday girl. I'd planned a family get together for baby's birthday in a couple of weeks. Bearing in mind that baby's dad and I have only recently separated and things are still very awkward, I wanted to keep things quiet and cosy, and really hope if I explain in advance that the girls won't be pestering to join in!