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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find night times without PFB really hard?

24 replies

Scheherezade · 06/09/2012 22:34

Apologies, I need to tell someone this who isn't DP or friends so I don't get laughed out the room

DS is 11mo. Unless we are out at a group/shopping/activities etc, I have a cuddle or nap with him when its his nap time (he has two, mid morning and mid afternoon).

Unless we're out and he's in the pram, in the house he either sleeps in my arms, or we snuggle in bed together whilst i MN read.

At night, he goes to bed in hos for. And I really, really struggle :( I miss him so much, I look at pictures and videos of him and talk about him with DP. Last night we had to stay in a b&b, I had a travel cot, bit when he woke at 3am I didn't bother resettling him, just brought him in with me. Bliss!

He goes to bed well in his cot, bit he is starting to wake in the night and we can't get him back of. He's happy if we're holding him, but as soon as we try put him down he wakes up.

Be nice please. I had severe PND and spent 5 months in a mother and baby psych ward.

OP posts:

NCForNow · 06/09/2012 22:38

Why don't you just co-sleep? I do. My DD2 is 4 and still gets in bed with me every night at about midnight.

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 06/09/2012 22:42

That is lovely, and totally normal.

I didn't have PND, but I remember it took me until DD1 was about 9 months not to feel like I was walking around in a weird disconnected bubble when she wasn't with me. Goodness knows how much longer it would take if you have been ill.

What I found was that I slowly started to enjoy odd little things going out on my own - the peace and quiet of a haircut for example. I began to feel more connected with the wider world, and therefore more able to be without her. But she is 3 and DD2 is 1 and I still feel weird if I go out for a drink with friends in the evening with just a wallet, a phone and keys (all those years with a nappy bag, I don't carry a handbag now when I'm alone ).

The Naomi Stadlen book (what mothers do) might be a nice read if you want some affirmation on this?

Poppylovescheese · 06/09/2012 22:47

Tbh I would co- sleep, you will both be happy x

McHappyPants2012 · 06/09/2012 22:51

awww it sound lovely that you miss your baby.

hope you get your PND under control and wish you well

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 06/09/2012 22:52

Yes, if he sleeps well co-sleeping and you like it, do it. Sadly DD2 now attempts to sleep lying across my back, pinning me down, and kicks like a demon. Or I'd do it more often

FutureNannyOgg · 06/09/2012 22:52

Co-sleep. I co-slept with DS1 until 22mo, but stopped in preparation for DS2 (not enough room for both in our bed, no room for a bigger bed).
I secretly love it when DH is away and I can have both of them in with me.

Isntitironic · 06/09/2012 22:54

I too feel weird without my pfb (DD, 11mo) with me. I don't think I could sleep without her in bed beside me. I highly recommend co-sleeping. You might like The Attachment Parenting Book by William Sears.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/09/2012 22:56

I think if you are really really struggling without him and feel the need to state at photos and watch videos, then you need to get some help with those feelings. If you are seeing a councellor for your PND, then talk to them about this. Sleeping with your baby until that age and well beyond is normal, but I don't think the feelings you are describing are normal. If you don't have a councellor, the you need to ask your GP for a referral.

There is no harm at all in co sleeping though, as long as you do it safely. If it will help you feel happier and get some sleep, then take him into bed with you. I slept with my babies until they were well over a year old, and they have had no problems going to bed as they got older.

annalovesmrbates · 06/09/2012 22:57

Tis lovely sleeping with DS. He's snoring gently beside me now - at 4 1/2. If you miss him, co-sleep!

annalovesmrbates · 06/09/2012 22:57

Tis lovely sleeping with DS. He's snoring gently beside me now - at 4 1/2. If you miss him, co-sleep!

OrangeEyesDoMoreThanSee · 06/09/2012 23:00

My two-year old is asleep on my tummy

I missed her first two weeks as she was too sick to be held and we need to rebond. I also bath with her sometimes and use a sling. It's lovely.

Co sleep more. It will reassure you

ipswichwitch · 06/09/2012 23:18

Another vote for co-sleeping. I love it, and I was dead set against it before DS was born. I'm actually looking forward to DP going away for the night (his stag do!) at the end of the month, so I can bring DS in with me :) we only co-sleep now if he's poorly as he takes up loads of room, and I need plenty space in bed (bad back) so I have to kick DP out!!

Original poster

Scheherezade · 07/09/2012 07:54

Thanks all :)

How does co sleeping work when they need to go to bed early? DS needs to go to bed at 7ish as he's shattered by then. I guess I could carry on putting him in the cot, then bringing him in with me if he wakes- that's what happened last night, DP ended up on the sofa!

OP posts:

KaraStarbuckThrace · 07/09/2012 07:59

Scheherazade, I put my DD (my PSB) in the cot at bedtime, and when she wakes up after I have gone to bed I bring her into bed with me. I have a bed rail on my bed and she sleeps between me and the bedrail.
Totally get what you mean, I love sleepy cuddles with both my babies (the oldest one has just started school but will get into bed with us in the morning.

DaveMccave · 07/09/2012 11:29

Having children sleep independently is an affluent western phenomenon. Once you realise that it's not working for you and do some research, you'll soon have lots of friends 'confess' to you that they also break that taboo. Co sleeping is usually better for everyone, but we're often too scared to do it because of all the horror stories about SIDS in the tabloids and from the AAP and NHS recommendations. Do some of your own research and you'll see that bed sharing is probably safer. The reason most of the SIDS recorded occurred when co sleeping, is probably because they are all in unusual circumstances, parents fall asleep when they are exhausted because they've spent nights trying to get the infant to sleep on their own, and they end up accidentally falling asleep on the sofa in an unsafe position and fall into a deep sleep. You wouldn't be so sleep deprived if you were bed sharing so that is unlikely to happen. There is also evidence that sleeping next to your baby regulates their breathing, so can actually jump start respiration in babies that have stopped breathing.

naturalparentsnetwork.com/five-benefits-cosleeping/

You could try removing the side of his cot and placing it next to your bed if he goes to bed earlier than you, and settles fine on his own.

DaveMccave · 07/09/2012 11:31

Also, are you breastfeeding still? I felt exactly like that attachment wise, right up until she self weaned. I don't feel like that at all anymore! I believe it is the oxytocin that is produced when feeding that keeps you so attached.

Greythorne · 07/09/2012 11:43

Co-sleep!

You can put him to bed on your own
Double bed when it's his bedtime, then sleep in the same bed at night. You probably won't miss him so much, I imagine, during the evening whilst you potter, have dinner, tidy up etc. If you know you will be falling asleep with him when it's your bedtime.

And ignore those who say if you let them
In your bed ad babies, you'll never get them out. Total fallacy.

aamia · 07/09/2012 11:53

If your partner won't let you co-sleep, could you have the cot next to your bed so he's right there with you? Just a thought...

Mama1980 · 07/09/2012 11:58

Definitely co sleep I do

MainlyMaynie · 07/09/2012 12:26

Ah, I love co-sleeping. I feel all nervous when anyone suggests I should be moving DS to a cot, we have such a lovely snuggly time and sleep so well.

MyDogShitsMoney · 07/09/2012 12:44

God no! If you're both happier sleeping together then sleep together.

I tried putting DS in his own room at 7 months, he was fine, I hated it

He was quite ill at 8 months so moved his cot back into my room (right up against my side of the bed so I could be sure to hear if he vomited).

I put him back in his own room 3 nights ago, he's 13 months. He's absolutely fine, I've hardly slept, my room looks so big and empty

I've always brought him into my bed if he wakes at sparrow's fart and on the very rare occasions he wakes in the night and will do so for as long as it works.

My mother hoiks her bossom but I couldn't give a crap.

They're babies for such a short time, make the most of every second. If you both enjoy it do it, when either of you stop enjoying it you can change it.

If he's still sleeping in your bed at 27 maybe worry, until then carry on

Morloth · 07/09/2012 13:02

Just co-sleep.

My 8.5 year old has fallen asleep in our bed right now and I am loving having him snuggled up. He looks just like he used to when he was a bubba.

Snuggle him for as long as you can, because soon he will be too busy for you.

We bought a mega king bed, so there would be room for everyone if needed.

TroublesomeEx · 07/09/2012 13:26

Another for co-sleeping.

It's quite obviously what you both want to do.

MyLastDuchess · 07/09/2012 13:48

I had severe PND and spent 5 months in a mother and baby psych ward.

How awful, I'm really sorry to hear that.

My DS is now 2 and since he turned 1 he has slept in his own room. He is all go-go-go during the day and wears me to a frazzle, but often after he has gone to bed I miss him dreadfully and am tempted to tiptoe in just to look at him sleeping.

Lots of my friends still sleep with their kids at the same age. There's nothing wrong with it. The only reason we don't do it is that by 1 year DS slept much better on his own, he was getting disturbed by the slightest noise we made.

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