to beg you for advice on how to get DH marginally excited and less stressed about our first pregnancy?

[emeraldgirl1]

Really need advice on this!!

I'm only allowing myself to be cautiously excited about pg myself as I'm a natural pessimist worrier. But we had a successful 12w scan yesterday and even I can't help a bit more excitement creeping in. Have felt so utterly shitty and nauseous for the past 2 months that I really feel it's important to focus on a bit of the fun stuff where possible.

DH is like Eeyore atm. He's never a hugely excitable person (except when it comes to football) and he and his whole family have a bloody irritating habit of never showing (or feeling?) that much excitement about stuff. They're not unemotional, they just don't do OTT.

I don't want to be OTT, honestly (I'm a v v v long way from rushing out and buying gifts for newborn, like some people I know have) but I am struggling to find a way around DH's flatness.

FWIW he is happy about the baby and does v much want it, that's not the issue. He is worried about finances which I am too, he is also worried about passing on his disability to the child, as of course I am too.

I just think that there is of course plenty to worry about but that it would be nice to be able to talk about the future a little bit without having to do so with an air of doom and worry. Or not at all.

I have tried to talk to him about this but he just says it is very hard for him and I don't want to push it. But I am rubbish about bringing these things up because I have a tendency to sound critical or more likely panic him even more by mistakenly allowing him to think I want to talk nothing but babies 24/7.

Sorry, no advice but marking place as I have a somewhat emotionally neutral DP too and I hope to glean some good suggestions!

Give it time.

At the moment it's only a pregnancy and not a baby to him yet. Once he starts to feel it move and kick, and when you start to buy nursery items, it will become more real to him.

It's different for us a lot of the time because we can feel the changes happening day by day, to him it's still going to be an abstract problem for a little while yet. Let him finish his problem solving in his head first, he will get there eventually.

No real advice on how to encourage his excitement, as I've given up with my dh. I think they either get as excited as us or not at all, and my dh is not at all.

He just doesn't understand how amazing it is really. And he doesn't like feeling the baby move or anything. I'm 32 weeks pg with our third and he's been the same throughout all pg's.

But he's a fabulous dad. And that's what matters.

I used to get upset honking he didn't want/love the baby, but I think it's jut different for men, and until they can hold the baby-then its not really real. Iykwim.

Don't take it personally or let it upset you. He may well change at your 20 week scan if you find out the sex of the baby. It may seem more real for him then.

You enjoy being pg, and don't let his lack of excitedness ruin your experiences.

Congratulations and best of luck!

ViViPRu - 'emotionally neutral' is a great phrase!

Actually mine is only this way when he is worried about something, I guess I would have to say now I am thinking about it. He is perfectly capable of getting excited about stuff like footie (as I have said), holidays, even a nice homecooked meal.

I know he is worried and it goes without saying that I am too (I am awake at night many a time stressing about this stuff) but I don't think worry and excitement are necessarily incompatible with each other.

Honking?

Thinking!!

BoysBoysBoys thank you for post; that helps actually as it hadn't really occurred to me that it could easily be mostly a 'male' thing and not because he is simply worried about scary, serious stuff...

He doesnt want to talk about the baby? Thats fair enough you have a long way to go. When you get to 30 plus weeks & he still doesnt want to talk about it then i think u should pull him up on it.

They say for women motherhood starts from the minute you find out you're pregnant but fatherhood doesn't start until the baby is born and I think that's true. You spend every waking moment aware of your pregnancy, especially when you can feel baby move. For him it's the odd kick he can see or feel, he doesn't get woken in the night to pee, he doesn't feel sick at the sight of raw chicken and so on. When kicks can be felt from the outside it will become a lot more real to him, I'm 39 weeks and although at the beginning my DH was quite blasé about my pregnancy now he talks about our little boy all the time.

Oh I could have written this 7 years and 7 months ago. In fact, I'm sure I did on another parenting site.... My DP was exactly the same when I first found out I was PG, to the extent that I remember storming out of Pizza Express one night (and the bump really needed some doughballs too!), storming home and screeching that he was ruining my life and my blood pressure.

He's now an amazing, involved and committed dad, by the way. But he's a real worrier, every thought for him goes to the 'worst case scenario'. He had CBT a year ago actually and it's made a huge difference to him.

I had to literally sit him down and say 'we are having this baby. That means we are happy. If you want to moan, make a face or worry you have to count to 5 first and think 'what face does Wilson want to see now' before you make it.'

But pg wasn't his finest moment, by a long chalk. That said, it's 9 months, it's the rest of the time that counts really.

We are clearly married to the same man. When I announced our pregnancy to DH he looked like he'd just been shot (despite the fact we were actively TTC!). He is also from a "glass is half empty" sort of family while I tend to be rather more optimistic. It was really hard for me as well as I wanted him to be excited but I came to accept that it simply isn't his way. This isn't to say that he wasn't excited, it was just that he always considered possible problems as well. I like to think that this reflects his responsible nature and is one of the ways in which he is a good Dad. One thing I did was made him sit down and come up with 3 things he was looking forward to about having a child without adding any of down-sides. He managed it

The things that made him quietly excited were the first time he felt it kick properly; the first time DS opened his eyes and looked directly at him and the first proper grin. Ultimately, you have different natures and he's never going to bounce up and down with excitement so you'll have to do it for him!

:)

Did your DH come to the scan with you? That sometimes helps a father to feel that there is actually a baby at the end of it all.

As others have said, I think it is very common that the fathers feel a bit remote and redundant and unsure of their role in pregnancy.
It can be quite scary to be SO out of control of the situation - I know my DH was much more worried when we had various complications in various pregnancies than I ever was (for me!) as I knew I was feeling fine...

Also, if there is a disability that could potentially be passed on, of course he is going to be terrified. Will you have further ante-natal tests done (if there is such a test for the disability in question)? The weight of 'responsibility' of possibly passing something on will be weighing heavily on him.
I have passed on a very minor genetic defect to one of my children and I feel 'guilty' about it - it's not entirely rational since I couldn't help it and it really has no effect on quality/length of live/health.

I am sure your DH will come round - my DH fell in love with DS1 in the labour room, it took me a lot longer to get over the 'OMG, what have we done?' stage.

V best of luck. It'll be fine.

Pregnancy is really abstract for a man until they feel the baby move (and even then its still a bit of a one step removed experience). I don't think my DH ever really got into pregnancy as such. He has spent the last few years as a SAHD so I wouldn't take the reaction to your pregnancy as any indication of future behaviour as a dad.

My dh was the same, didnt seem excited or really that interested at all. He was great at the birth and is a wonderful dad.

I would try not to take it to heart, some people just deal with things differently.

Congratulatons btw!

Such good advice posted here, thank you so much.

Thing is, I know he's going to be a great dad, I just can't wait for the day when he realises that he will be!

I feel much better about the fact that it's probably as much just a bloke thing as it is anything deeper.

PacificDogwood - yes it is tough for him with the worry about genetic problems... tough for both of us in different ways and however many times I've tried to reassure him that I'm not going to blame him (as if) or anything if our child does inherit his disability, I know he's in a stress about it and understandably so. Thing is, I've tried to tell him that I have gone into this with my eyes open and if the worst comes to the worst, we will deal with it. We did everything we could in advance of getting pg to find out the risks and were told that with the info they had there was only a 5% chance of child inheriting his disability. 5% isn't great but it's a risk I am willing to take. He is willing too, but I know he (like me, obv!) wishes we didn't have this extra worry.

I did try to tell him once that there were all kinds of problems our child could be born with that we AREN'T pre-warned about but that just made him all the more panicked!!

Well, a 5% risk is a 1:20 risk that the child will get it - and 95% ie 19:20 risk he/she will NOT get it.
The odds are very much in your favour .

FWIW, my genetic thing gave us a 1:4 risk of conceiving a pregnancy not compatible with life - did not happen in 8 pregnancies (I had 4 MCs - nothing at all to do with my specific problem). We have 4 healthy children, one of which carries the same problem as me (I got it from my mum, we now know), so can potentially pass it on to his children. At some point I will have to have that conversation with him. Aged 4, he really is not interested in genetics .

Some risks are worth taking IMO!

And you are right, there are so many other things that can go wrong, but rarely do. As a wise MNer once said 'Don't borrrow worries from tomorrow'. Easier said than done, I know x.

PacificDogwood I love the idea of trying to explain genetics to a 4yo :) :) Yes, probably a good idea to wait on that one...

I think 95% chance is decent odds but DH disagrees... only on this front, of course; he has gleefully placed bets on sporting events with rubbish odds.

V glad to hear you have 4 healthy children; absolutely some risks are worth taking.

I love that quote from a wise MNer. Just plain good advice, that!

Worrying about finances can put great stress on people, he'll still have that worry even when baby is born and you know re health etc.

Concentrate on resolving that whilst pregnant and hopefully he will feel less worried and more able to enjoy.

My dp was exactly the same as yours, now I'm 27 he is much more involved and looking forward to the baby. Feeling and especially seeing the kicks really helped him attach to the bump as an actual baby.

Also I went clothes shopping with him and got him to chose some outfits hideous matalica tshirts that helped him think of it as a real baby. Maybe buy a football kit for the baby?

Congratulations and enjoy the time when the baby is like your little secret :)

Why are you expecting him to be any different about this than anything else? If you want someone who is excitable, choose an excitable partner.

BTW plenty of men get excited about pregnancy before the baby pops out.