Or is DH? re: depression as a get out clause

[cherriesblossom]

NB: sorry for the length, want honest opinions & not to drip-feed.Ok, quick background. I have previously suffered depression, Dh moderately supportive. I am Not Good with sick people, in general. This has been an issue for a while (my DM is a bit Münchhausen-y and I a very much of the keep calm mentality).

Context: DH teaches, I have been working all summer. As parents, we have am 'on duty' system (which I know in itself is weird for some, but heigh-ho) where the'on duty' parent sorts out all childcare, meals etc on their 'days' so the other is free to work etc. Over the summer we have kept this system, so DH has some free time - i.e I have organised childcare on my 'days' even though he has been off (sometimes working/sometimes having a break). I don't resent this, in itself.

BUT we went on holiday last week and he went on a pre-planned 3 day cycle break as soon as we returned. He made absolutely NO effort to help prepare the children for school (i.e, shopping for school supplies, DD1 had an exam on Monday & he didn't arrange anything for her - transport/tutor/anything as he was back to work on Monday and didn't consider her needs. So I took some TOIL to arrange all this (including waking early sat & sunday while he was away to accomadate tutor - something he could have done all through summer, but didn't).

I asked him yesterday to make an appointment to get kids haircut this evening in time for school tomorrow, & he asked me to meet him at the salon which I agreed to.I called at 5pm after work to check which salon and he was sleeping (!) & hadn't bothered to make an appointment. Baring in mind we live in London, lots of salons local to us are open til 8/9pm I asked him to ring around to get it done this evening.

Anyway he had a little strop about it, and I text him that I felt really frustrated with him for not doing this one thing for the girls despite having lots of time over the summer. He text back that he has been really low & struggling to cope. My reply was that it hasn't stopped him getting his hair cut/going on his break/socialising with friends on his days off (in the past few days!) - why is his 'depression' manifesting itself in just struggling to get this minor thing done for the kids?

His response is basically that I'm acting like a heartless cow as per usual, and depression takes different forms. I struggling to be sympathetic as I just feel this lowness is a convenient excuse for being pretty rubbish/disorganised this summer.

Who is being unreasonable?

Well dies he actually have a 'depression' diagnosis? Or is it A case of feeling a bit low, so let's call it depression?

He is. The trouble is though we only have your side of the story

I had PND, and lots of days were really a struggle. But it doesn't absolve you of your responsibilities.

If he can get his shit together enough to sort himself out and go and have a nice time, then he can do the things he needs to for his children.

He is BU.

no diagnosis. 'depression' my term, not his tbh (he's saying he;s been feeling low/breaking down - I have seen no evidence for this. Not disbelieving it as such - but as I said to him, if he'd had mentioned this before my reaction may have been different. As it is, it feels like a defence, almost passive aggressive, 'poor me-you're-such-heartless-bitch' type thing because I have criticised him for not pulling his weight on the school-organisation front.

Thanks for the reply btw x

I can see both hands to some degree. Feeling low can mean you procrastinate and avoid the responsible duties in life because they are important. That's what makes them hard.

However, it doesn't mean that these things go away and you enabling him avoiding them isn't helpful to anyone. You can voice sympathy whilst still insisting that day to day family responsibilitys are shared. If he needs help to get himself out of his fug then encourage him, but leaving someone depressed to exist in their own decline isn't the best course of action and if it means you prodding him into action so be it.

If he was severely depressed and not washed for several days would he think it reasonable of you to leave him stinking or force him to bathe?

I was a teacher, with plenty of marking / planning to do in the school holidays. I still work school term time. I have always taken full responsibility for sorting the children's uniform / shoes/ equipment /haircuts in the school holidays, because I'm the one off work. Obviously many teachers have to go in for exam results days etc, in which case , and spend much of the holidays working, so in that case childcare etc needs to be arranged to meet the work needs of both parents.

I'm no expert on depression, but it does seem awfully convenient that he's been well enough to do things for himself, but not contribute to helping with anything else in the family. And all teachers feel a bit low come the end of August :)

Maybe next time the answer is to plan in who does what in the summer holiday time- it's not fair that the parent-on-duty system you use results in only one of the parents-on-duty actually doing any of the family work.

If he was"breaking down" you'd have noticed. Yanbu.