AIBU to make them a plate of cheese sandwiches and let the PIL get on with it?

[whyme2]

Where to start?

Some of you may remember but at the start of this year my dh was arrested for drink driving. He lost his licence, job. We got through a very tough time together and now life for us is better than it has been for a long long time. Please don't under estimate how traumatic my year has been.

When my pil found out in Jan what had happened they basically cut contact with us despite having had a close relationship with our dcs, their grandchildren and previously always being supportive throughout our entire relationship (12 years now). So they stopped phoning, writing, visiting. They posted parcels on the dc's birthdays but apart from that nothing. In an attempt to make the relationship work I wrote to them about 3 months after the "finding out" phonecall. I was trying to make amends and invite them to still be involved in their grandchildren's lives. No reply.

Three months after that we moved house, dh phoned them to let them know and offered a meet up with dcs. Not interested was the response.

Personally I feel so pissed off with them. Totally abandoning me and the dcs at a time when we needed support from family. I could understand them being cross with their son (my dh) but the children and I had done nothing wrong. My dh could have gone to prison and they knew this. So when we realised this is what the pil were doing we left them to it. We gathered ourselves together, sorted things out and we are moving on. We have worked hard to compensate the GP's absence from the dc's lives and we are ok.

Last Saturday evening, quite late in fact, I got a phone call from mil asking if they could visit. I was totally and if I hadn't had a little I would have been a bit quicker thinking and told them to shove it. But I didn't. I invited them for lunch Sucker is written on my forehead
I felt sad for the dcs' which is why I said yes.

I am dreading the visit and feel like making them a plate of cheese sandwiches and leaving them in the sitting room with the dcs until they go.

I am normally the most hospitable person going but I just don't want these people in my house.

AIBU?

(Sorry it so long)

It's not too late to change your mind and tell them you'll meet them somewhere for a coffee or something, in a neutral place?

Thank you for ploughing through my OP MrsT

Thing is they have about an hour of driving to do, we have no car and can't really afford much travel or spending anything but it would solve the "Right, I've had enough, time to go" issue.

Actually, you have been amazingly gracious and magnanimous in your reaction and I think you should go with it. Something has brought them to their senses I suppose and this is their chance to make it right. By receiving them, and being prepared to give them a hearing, you are absolutely doing the right thing. The bigger picture here is the DC's relationship with the GPs and your DP's relationship with his parents. It is worth salvaging really, because life is short.

I would receive them in a kindly but reserved way and wait for them to put their cards on the table, which they surely will at some point. By the end of the visit they will surely have some attempt to explain or excuse their actions and you will have a chance to give your side. Naturally, in the immediate future at least, it will be up to them to continue to "pursue" you and get back in with you if it's still possible to get past the hurt they have inflicted.

Good luck and well done so far on being the bigger person. They could learn a lot from you.

Ah SSW you have made me cry because I know you could be right, I do want the dcs to know their GP's. It has just been such a hard hard year for us.

Perhaps they are coming to sort things out.

More or less what SSW said. Whatever their motivations are. You are doing the right thing, and you are 100% right to put their relationship with the DCs first. I have a situation which is simply not resolved or capable of resolution with my DM, and I have decided basically to "put that in a box", pretend it is not there, and behave as if it is not there. I know my DM thinks she has won in the sense that I haven't "dared" to make reprisals, but actually my DCs have won, and I have (sort of) won by behaving better than she has. I have some idea how difficult this must be for you. Good luck.

Totally what SSW said, I feel really sorry for you all, especially your DC, are they old enough to know what's been going on?

There's not much else I can really say having never been in a situation even similar to this.

I really hope they are coming to make amends, good luck!

They must be coming to apologise and make amends. They just must be. You have behaved impeccably and cannot be criticised. A plate of cheese sandwiches is a perfectly hospitable way to greet them IMO. YANBU. I hope they realise how bloody lucky they are that you and your family are willing to receive them after all they have done (and failed to do).

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I am not going to cancel the visit as I was going to this morning.

My dcs are all under ten - they have asked many times to see the GPs but I have made excuses, holidays, sickness etc. Fortunately they are not old enough to really measure the time scale so haven't twigged anything is wrong I hope

I do hope they are coming to make amends and I am useless at confrontation type things.